Happy birthday, Percy Jackson! As your loyal friends and fans, we promise not to give you a single one of these five gift ideas, both for your safety and your sanity.

August 18 is a day to celebrate because today Percy Jackson (the character) turns 24! In the past, we’ve celebrated by giving you a list of 10 naturally blue foods, as well as sharing our favorite Percy Jackson quotes.

This year, we wanted to be extra thoughtful and help you steer clear of a few gift ideas we definitely know Percy wouldn’t enjoy.

5 gifts Percy Jackson definitely wouldn’t want on his birthday

An all expenses paid trip to Tartarus

Been there, done that. Remember that time Rick left us on a literal cliffhanger? If just thinking about it still stings for us, imagine how Percy and Annabeth feel! In this case, it’s not the thought that counts. There are plenty of other places Percy would love to go that don’t include the very depths of hell.

Alternative: What about a visit back to Camp Half-Blood? It’s safe, and all his friends are there!

A cellphone

If you give someone a cellphone for their birthday and they don’t seem too excited, you know they’re a demigod. Remember, phones just make it easier to track the sons and daughters of the gods, so let’s not make their life any harder than it already is, okay?

Alternative: Some really nice stationary and a pen that can write underwater. You never know when the mood will strike to write a long-form letter!

An epic poem written and read by Apollo

Percy likes Apollo. He’s even willing to help out the fallen god in his quest to regain his immortality. But you know that if you requested Apollo write an epic about Percy and give it to him on his birthday, Apollo would make the entire poem about himself — and maybe mention Percy once or twice right near the end.

Alternative: What about just getting him a cool card from the store? It’ll take less time to read, at least.

A visit from a minotaur

Just like Tartarus, this one brings up some painful memories of Percy’s first days as a demigod in Camp Half-Blood. While most children of the gods like doing their duty and fighting monsters to help save humanity, maybe on Percy’s birthday we can let him have the day off, no?

Alternative: Maybe just give Percy a video game. That way he can defend the world from the comfort of his own home.

A family reunion

While more people like to be surrounded by their friends and family on their birthday, Percy’s familial situation is a little more…complicated. If you invite one god, then they’ll all want to come. And if you get them all in the same place, some choice words are going to be said and you’ll probably end up starting the next war. Better safe than sorry.

Alternative: Let’s stick with just surprising him with a visit from his mom. He’ll definitely love that one.

Happy birthday, Percy Jackson! We hope you get a day off from saving the world!

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