The Force Awakens is only days away, and Star Wars merchandise hysteria is at an all-time high. Here to service your every bizarre desire, we bring you Wookiee Crocs, droid aquariums, and a 16-foot inflatable Darth Vader. Because capitalism!
Look, we love Funkos as much as the next fans. And yes, we will occasionally put on our officially licensed Jedi bathrobes and furry Chewbacca masks, wave lightsabers around and play with our Millennium Falcon replicas. (Perfect first date, right?)
We’re also all about creative works of art and fashion inspired by the Star Wars series. Give us all of these dresses.
But then there’s Yoda grapes, and we’re starting to think that the whole thing’s kinda getting out of hand.
Here are 10 absolutely absurd Star Wars tie-in products, that serve no other function than to cash in on fandom excitement — and yet, true Star Wars fans might just get a kick out of them anyway:
10. R2-D2 aquarium
Totally logical tie-in product. Nothing whatsoever weird about putting water and live fish inside of a semi-sentient droid.
Best part is, this beauty (which doubles as a mood light) is priced at a very affordable $79.95. Of course, that price is excluding the “freshwater family of goldfish” the maker imagines will call the hollowed-out shell of R2-D2 their home.
9. BB-8 oranges and Yoda grapes
Get it? Cause Yoda’s green and BB-8 is… kind of shaped like an orange?
On the bright side, it might actually make kids want to eat fruit, if they’re not usually into that.
See more Star Wars produce on The Disney Driven Life.
8. Chewbacca Mr. Potato Head
It’s called “Chipbacca,” because chips, because potatoes! Oh, some tweed-suited executive must be so proud of that one.
P.S. You can also get one for Darth Maul, which is the CUTEST THING WE HAVE EVER SEEN:
Awwww Darth Maul. So misunderstood.
7. ‘Star Wars’ fishing equipment
So… is that where the “Qui-Gon’ fishing” joke originates from?
Which is perhaps not as random as it seems: after all, much like this writer would enjoy watching the Star Wars films with her mother, we would also occasionally go fishing together. Mother-daughter bonding activities for the win!
6. Wampa rug
Hilariously, this is currently out of stock! We like to think that’s cause of a lack of demand, rather than because of too much.
After all, if you’re gonna spend $129.99 on a rug, you want to make sure that’s genuine Wampa fur, which we’re just not convinced that this is.
5. 16-foot inflatable Christmas Darth Vader
Because nothing says Christmas like a giant-ass inflatable Darth Vader holding a candy cane lightsaber, right?
…Actually, you know what, that does kind of sound like an awesome Christmas. Buy it here!
Just don’t go getting any ideas about multi-colored lightsabers, Disney.
4. Death Star waffle maker
Come to the Dark Side. They have… waffles, apparently.
We’ve got so many questions: Why waffles? Why the Death Star motif? Why, in general?
Scorn aside, this is awesome. We’re totally getting one. You can buy this at Think Geek!
3. Wookiee Crocs
In general, we wouldn’t say that branding Crocs makes them more attractive. Putting fur on them and slapping a Chewbacca sticker on the side, however?
…No, they’re still ugly as hell.
It’s really quite impressive that these bad boys somehow manage to make the already ugly Crocs even uglier, but that is indeed the case for the Crocband™ Star Wars™ Chewbacca™ Fuzz Lined Clog (that’s a lot of trademarks in one title).
2. C-3PO tape dispenser
Of all the bizarre tie-in products, this must be the bizarrestest…est. Words literally fail us.
Why tape, or all things? And why is he riding it?! Poor thing looks terrified.
If you for some bizarre reason want to buy this, you’ll have to trawl Ebay — it’s vintage, and for some reason in high demand.
1. Jar Jar Binks candy tongue
This wins only because it is so, so wrong. Luckily, it appears to no longer be available. Probably got ripped off the shelves.
The only worse thing than having to watch Jar Jar Binks muck up the already cringe-worthy prequels would surely be having to make out with him.
Although we guess you could always wash down the taste with some Yoda grapes.
Wait a minute.
Star Wars: The Force Awakens premieres December 18! Bring your Wookiee Crocs.