11:22 am EST, December 14, 2015

10 ridiculous pieces of ‘Star Wars’ merchandise for the fan who (thinks they) have everything

You know you want that Death Star waffle maker.

The Force Awakens is only days away, and Star Wars merchandise hysteria is at an all-time high. Here to service your every bizarre desire, we bring you Wookiee Crocs, droid aquariums, and a 16-foot inflatable Darth Vader. Because capitalism!

Look, we love Funkos as much as the next fans. And yes, we will occasionally put on our officially licensed Jedi bathrobes and furry Chewbacca masks, wave lightsabers around and play with our Millennium Falcon replicas. (Perfect first date, right?)

We’re also all about creative works of art and fashion inspired by the Star Wars series. Give us all of these dresses.

But then there’s Yoda grapes, and we’re starting to think that the whole thing’s kinda getting out of hand.

Here are 10 absolutely absurd Star Wars tie-in products, that serve no other function than to cash in on fandom excitement — and yet, true Star Wars fans might just get a kick out of them anyway:

10. R2-D2 aquarium

R2-D2 aquarium

Totally logical tie-in product. Nothing whatsoever weird about putting water and live fish inside of a semi-sentient droid.

Best part is, this beauty (which doubles as a mood light) is priced at a very affordable $79.95. Of course, that price is excluding the “freshwater family of goldfish” the maker imagines will call the hollowed-out shell of R2-D2 their home.

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9. BB-8 oranges and Yoda grapes

Yoda Grapes BB-8 Oranges

Get it? Cause Yoda’s green and BB-8 is… kind of shaped like an orange?

On the bright side, it might actually make kids want to eat fruit, if they’re not usually into that.

See more Star Wars produce on The Disney Driven Life.

8. Chewbacca Mr. Potato Head


It’s called “Chipbacca,” because chips, because potatoes! Oh, some tweed-suited executive must be so proud of that one.

P.S. You can also get one for Darth Maul, which is the CUTEST THING WE HAVE EVER SEEN:

Darth Maul

Awwww Darth Maul. So misunderstood.

7. ‘Star Wars’ fishing equipment

Star Wars fishing

So… is that where the “Qui-Gon’ fishing” joke originates from?

This came via The Force.net, but there’s actually a surprising amount of Star Wars fishing equipment out there.

Which is perhaps not as random as it seems: after all, much like this writer would enjoy watching the Star Wars films with her mother, we would also occasionally go fishing together. Mother-daughter bonding activities for the win!

6. Wampa rug

Wampa rug

Hilariously, this is currently out of stock! We like to think that’s cause of a lack of demand, rather than because of too much.

After all, if you’re gonna spend $129.99 on a rug, you want to make sure that’s genuine Wampa fur, which we’re just not convinced that this is.

5. 16-foot inflatable Christmas Darth Vader

Darth Vader Christmas

Because nothing says Christmas like a giant-ass inflatable Darth Vader holding a candy cane lightsaber, right?

…Actually, you know what, that does kind of sound like an awesome Christmas. Buy it here!

Just don’t go getting any ideas about multi-colored lightsabers, Disney.

4. Death Star waffle maker

Death Star waffles

Come to the Dark Side. They have… waffles, apparently.

We’ve got so many questions: Why waffles? Why the Death Star motif? Why, in general?

Scorn aside, this is awesome. We’re totally getting one. You can buy this at Think Geek!

3. Wookiee Crocs

Wookiee crocs

In general, we wouldn’t say that branding Crocs makes them more attractive. Putting fur on them and slapping a Chewbacca sticker on the side, however?

…No, they’re still ugly as hell.

It’s really quite impressive that these bad boys somehow manage to make the already ugly Crocs even uglier, but that is indeed the case for the Crocband™ Star Wars™ Chewbacca™ Fuzz Lined Clog (that’s a lot of trademarks in one title).

2. C-3PO tape dispenser

C3PO Tape

Of all the bizarre tie-in products, this must be the bizarrestest…est. Words literally fail us.

Why tape, or all things? And why is he riding it?! Poor thing looks terrified.

If you for some bizarre reason want to buy this, you’ll have to trawl Ebay — it’s vintage, and for some reason in high demand.

1. Jar Jar Binks candy tongue


This wins only because it is so, so wrong. Luckily, it appears to no longer be available. Probably got ripped off the shelves.

The only worse thing than having to watch Jar Jar Binks muck up the already cringe-worthy prequels would surely be having to make out with him.

Although we guess you could always wash down the taste with some Yoda grapes.

Wait a minute.

Childhood ruined.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens premieres December 18! Bring your Wookiee Crocs.

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