Yes, I’ve made it 22 years without watching Hercules, but that all changed thanks to the current Once Upon a Time story line.
As an adult, I’m a pretty big fan of Once Upon a Time. However, as a child I was an avid avoider of Disney animated features. Beyond Mulan and The Lion King, movies my little sister loved so much, she (and subsequently, we) wore down the VHS tapes, there is a gap in my Disney princess story.
Below are (largely unedited) thoughts I had while watching the movie, recorded in real-time.
This movie feels very Emperors New Groove, which is one of my favorite animated movies. This is promising.
Are these muses dancing around pottery?
Who is stronger: Hercules or Thor? #DisneySynergy
So, with our first introduction of Hades, now is a good time to explain my fear of Disney villains. Cruella de Vil, Ursula, Hades, and even Scar all scared me to death when I was little. At six, when I saw Ursula in Disney’s parade, I burst out into tears and hid behind my dad, eyes shut, ears covered, for the rest of the parade.
Pain and Panic’s names are a little on-the-nose…
That prophecy sequence is some gorgeous animation. This is 1997, remember.
Super strength is kind of the lamest superpower, if you think about it. You can’t get anywhere quickly or read people’s minds.
Aw, why does everyone in this village hate Hercules?
I love 2D animation. But I wonder what this would look like in 3D, a la Tangled and Frozen.
“Oh, Pegasus,” he said, remembering his friend from when he was (presumably) a days-old infant. He’s strong, not smart.
Why isn’t he bulked up yet? He’s “strong” but looks more scrawny than anything else.
Why does Phil, this human/goat have a 5 o’clock shadow?
I want them to burst into ABBA, “I have a dream, a song to sing…”
This workout/training montage is very Hakuna Matata.
How many years have passed? He went through puberty during that montage.
This movie is 19 years old and Meg is already better than half the “D.I.D.s” we see today.
The animation in this movie is simultaneously awful by today’s standards and timeless by human’s standards.
“They think ‘no’ means ‘yes’ and think ‘get lost’ means ‘take me, I’m yours.’” This movie is 19 years old and real af.
Megara is the hero we need. Did you guys know this? Does Disney know this? It’s almost like they would make a lot of money if they made her the center of a story.
Admittedly, this movie is very watchable. I haven’t checked Twitter since I started it, which is something.
Meg’s boobs look like the knives they use at Chop’t.
15 years ago, the Snake/monster battle scene would’ve scared me.
These snakes are rendered in an odd rudimentary 3D compared to the rest of the movie and I think it’s Disney’s advancement in animation showing.
It’s our societies biggest win that ‘zero’ and ‘hero’ rhyme. It’ll be used in songs/cliches until the end of time.
Two American cultural references noted in that music video/sequence: Hercules on the Amex card, Hercules doing his hand-prints in the cement, Grauman’s Chinese Theatre-style.
“Honest to Zeus truth.” Heh. I’m going to use that.
Are the Muses completely necessary to the story? No. But, they don’t hurt.
Oh my god there’s a My Little Pony.
Wait, nvm. Just Pain and Panic playing a mean trick on Pegasus.
Alright. Checking my watch with this whole Hades/Herc/Meg scene.
The Greek Gods are a fascinating and certainly rich subject, it’s a shame they preform so poorly at the box office.
I would be remiss if I didn’t make at least one “HERCULES MULLIGAN” joke, so here it is, fellow Hamilton devotees.
This movie is so colorful and visually appealing, she said, watching a movie made for children.
Theory: Meg dies to prove to kids that life is short and fleeting.
Old Hercules is… not what I came here for. Thank goodness for that immortality. But he’s saving Meg. That’s nice.
Hercules punching Hades, earns a verbal chuckle from me.
And with that, I have officially watched Hercules.
The verdict: certainly not the worst Disney feature film! In fact, very good. Having watched the past few episodes of OUAT, where they are currently entrenched in this storyline, it is interesting to see how wildly they’ve diverted from the “source” material (assuming this is the source and not some other retelling of the story.)
And, that is one to scratch off my list of Unwatched Disney Feature Animated Films. Also on the list? Aladdin, Peter Pan and Beauty and the Beast come to mind. That beast terrified me!
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