The Vampire Diaries season 5, episode 8 “Dead Man on Campus” just aired. Check out our sassy recap of the episode along with a preview for the next episode, “The Cell,” which airs in December.

This recap is divided by commercial breaks and was written by Tariq Kyle during his viewing of tonight’s episode of The Vampire Diaries, season 5, episode 8 “Dead Man on Campus.” Let us know what you think of the sassycap in the comments below!

Bonnie’s Back, Bitches!
-Professor Maxfield is conducting experiments on Jesse…creeper. He says it took Jesse 14 days to turn from human to vampire: Wat.
-Bonnie has a haircut! She looks fab, and we’re so happy for her new college life! She’s so adorableeee.
-She’s phoning her mom and mentions all the new college things. Seriously, what dorm DOES have a fireplace?! #royals
-Wait, so Bonnie isn’t a witch anymore because she’s the anchor? Wat. Noooo!
-Registering for classes is code for making out with Jeremy. …where can we register for classes?
-A woman wants to pass to the other side, touches Bonnie and disappears. That looked way too painful!
-Stefan is having difficulties coping with the whole drowned and dying a thousand times thing.
-Katherine talks with Matt about the guy who “activated” Matt. She’s hiding something.
-Jesse calls Caroline for help, and his roommate (Aaron) comes home and he attacks him. AHHH. NOT AARON :(

-Jesse explains to Caroline what he’s been through. Professor Maxfield has been injecting him with some weird blood. …interesting.
-He didn’t kill the professor! Just trapped him. Well done, newb Vampire. Well done.
-Jesse heals Aaron with Caroline’s help, but…Aaron looked a little too eager to drink that stuff.
-Katherine talks to Stefan, telling him he’ll end up with someone who looks like her. Foreshadowing?
-Katherine can help Stefan out if he does her a favor. She also called Nadia back and introduces her to him. Will the family get back together at last?!
-Bonnie explains she’s looking for “…I’m not sure what he is actually.” GIRL. BOYFRIEND. Say it out loud. B-o-y-f-r-i-e-n-d. If that doesn’t happen, then Julie Plec is a cruel, cruel human.
-Damon is interrogating Professor Maxfield and will inject a flesh-eating bacteria into him if he doesn’t answer truthfully. Professor just can’t get a break!

The Hunger Games: TVD Edition
-Katherine, Nadia, and Stefan all go to Matt to talk to his “passenger.”
-Katherine is suspicious of anyone dating her daughter, ahah.
-After Silas was dead, the passenger guy wanted to kill Katherine. Katherine is having NONE of it. NONE.
-Therefore, Katherine stabs Matt with the mystery knife. It’s apparently the only thing that can kill a passenger.
-Damon is really enjoying torturing Professor Maxfield. We can’t tell if that’s sexy or psychotic. We’ll go with sexy.
-Bonnie has a conversation with the woman who passed through her earlier. Such a nice witch! Aww. Maybe being the anchor isn’t all bad.
-Jeremy takes Bonnie to “register for classes.” No, seriously, where can we sign up?!
-Professor Maxfield was aiming to turn Jesse into a different vampire. He claims vampires are dangerous because humans are their food source, and he wants to change that.
-Jesse really craves VAMPIRE BLOOD!?
-In the theme of this weekend, this episode just became: The Hunger Games: Vampire Diaries Edition.

Everyone’s Drunk ALL the Time
-Aaron and Elena bond over dead parents. Adorable…and dark. We don’t mind the dark.
-Aaron explains that his parents were attacked while camping and his parents had bite marks on their neck. Vampire?! Vampire. Definitely vampire.
-Meanwhile, Stefan is at a bar drinking. Why does everyone always drink in this show?! Makes us jealous.
-Stefan has more panic attacks about drowning while Katherine finds him in an alley, and she’s all supportive. Aww.
-Admit it, you like the Katherine and Stefan scenes.
-Stefan almost kills Katherine but she tells him to name all the people he’s killed. …creepy, but effective.
-Jesse finds Professor Maxfield and attacks Damon. Damon’s all Damon-y and explains that because he’s older he’s stronger than Jesse.
-Professor Maxfield has also changed THAT.

An Old Ship Has Emerged!
-While Jesse is attacking Damon, Elena stakes him. Caroline is all “Noooo!”
-Here’s hoping Professor Maxfield didn’t change the whole wood being his kryptonite thing too…
-Stefan finds a note to Nadia written by Katherine. …a suicide note!?
-Katherine is on top of the clock tower in the middle of Mystic Falls. She’s about to jump. This is a whole new level of low.
-Katherine jumps: NOOO! DON’T!
-Stefan saves her. YES! C’mon, people, you don’t really like these Stetherine scenes?! …Kathefan? …Statherine?
-Katherine explains that she’s dying of old age and it’s being sped up by the cure. We’re tearing up over here.
-Stefan explains “You’re Katherine Pierce. Suck it up.” YES. Motivate her, man!

What the HELL is an “Augustine”?
-Bonnie misses magic while she’s lighting a candle. Her “class registration” candles. ;)
-Those class registration forms look pretty complicated. Bonnie, do you need help there?
-Jesse passed through to the other side and Bonnie got all the pain that came with it. In front of Jeremy. Class registration has halted.
-Oh, nope it hasn’t. Class registration will continue as planned, despite interruptions from ghosts.
-Elena and Caroline have a small fight. The person she stopped is apparently as dangerous as the person Elena is inviting into her bedroom. The Delena shippers need aloe for that burn.
-Damon is apparently an Augustine Vampire?! #21051?!
-Apparently the Augustine is hella old and has been operating for decades.
-Damon tries to kill Professor Maxfield but he deploys an aerosol version of vervain.
-Augustine apparently has Damon BACK?! When did they have him!?
-Damon is trapped in a cell. Our poor baby! :(

What did you think of tonight’s episode of ‘The Vampire Diaries’

The next episode doesn’t air until December 5, but check out the promo below!

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