Later, Brittany follows a trail of Cheerios – the actual cereal – that are arranged perfectly and unsanitarily along the hallway floor. At the end of the trail is Sam, holding a glass of milk, because he knows Brittany forgets to eat breakfast on Tuesdays. What then follows is one of my least favorite scenes in Glee history. Sam tells Brittany that he likes her, but claims that it’s why Santana always hated him – that some part of her knew the truth about how he felt about Brittany. Excuse me? Him liking Britt is whatever, I don’t like it, but is there a reason this can’t have been a new, since-this-year thing? Because Sam and Brittany have kissed before, in season 2, at Rachel’s party, and nothing came of it. He dated Quinn and Mercedes, and he fought really, really hard to get Mercedes back in season 3. Are we meant to just dismiss all of that, invalidate that entire relationship and assume that the whole time, he was in love with Brittany? Let’s not forget that Sam also dated Santana, while Santana was in a lot of denial and in the process of coming to terms with her sexuality, so she couldn’t possibly have any resentment towards him because of this, of course not.
Sam says his biggest disappointment about glee club finishing is never getting to sing a love song with Brittany. Whatever. They sing Frank and Nancy Sinatra’s “Something Stupid,” and it’s whatever. I, like Brittany, apparently, actually love this song, but it’s still whatever, because it’s the stupidest pairing in the history of Glee. My TV boyfriend Sammy Evans makes pretty much anything he does earnest and sweet, so when I see his pining face I kind of want him to get what he wants, but I resent the way they’ve played fast and loose with their own canon in order to make it happen.
They finish the number, Sam tries to kiss Brittany, she pulls away, and then literally the worst moment in all of Glee happens. Brittany tells him she can’t do it, because she’s scared that the lesbians of the world – or the readers of AfterEllen – will come after Sam and hurt him. “I don’t know how they found out about Santana and I dating, but once they did, they started sending me tweets and Facebook messages… I think it means a lot to them to see two hot, popular girls in love. I’m worried that if they find out about you and I dating, they’ll turn on you and get really violent.”
Okay, Glee. We need to have a talk. I talk a lot here about lamp-shading and how it starts out as funny but that highlighting your errors does not excuse you from making them. As usual, Glee, you’ve taken something too far and ruined it for yourself. You can’t just let something be subtle, can you? Nope, it’s like, “oh they like a little bit of fan-service? OKAY HERE’S A CEMENT MIXER FULL OF IT.” Glee, never cook for us, you’d be a terrible chef. Less is more. Less is more. Learn this, and you will go back to being the funniest show on television. But this? This is not cute, this is not funny, and also, if you think you’re going to pre-emptively calm the “lesbians of the nation” who are upset to see one of their queer characters back in a straight relationship by making fun of them? Let me tell you, it’s not going to work. They’re not going to be like “aw, shucks, maybe we shouldn’t kick up a fuss.” Ugh. It isn’t even that bad a scenario – Brittany is openly bisexual so it isn’t as if she’s being de-queered – but choosing this way to handle it is just… it’s not good, Glee. It’s not good.
Back in New York, Rachel continues to butt heads with Cassandra in Dance 101. When Rachel stops for a sip of water, Cassandra humiliates her, criticising her lack of stamina. When Rachel insists that she’s improved and that Cassie won’t acknowledge it, Cassandra challenges her to prove it, in a dance-off. Cassie encouranges the class to join in on the routine if they want to, but claims the showdown is between her and “the platypus.” Rachel barks out a laugh and the two start to circle each other performing “All That Jazz” from Chicago. The rest of the class, as usual, serve no other purpose than to be back-up for Team Cassie or Team Rachel, but the number is less of a duel and more of a weird, dark seduction, especially when the ladies break away from their respective groups and take one another in arms, dancing together. They finish their power-play and Cassie points out to Rachel that she is still not good enough. Rachel admits that she’s not a good a dancer as her teacher, that she may never be, but that she thinks she’s a better singer, and she thanks Cassie for hammering home the lesson that if Rachel is to “win” the Winter Showcase (it’s a competition?) that she will have to rely solely on her voice.
While Rachel is dancing her weird mating ritual with Ms. July, Kurt plays an awkward visit to Carmen Tibideaux in regards to his second application. She dryly tells him that she’s already reviewed it and says his new audition tape told her the same thing as his first live audition – “Here’s a very talented young man who knows how to sell a number but who is devoid of complexity and depth.” Kurt is brought up short, shocked, and it’s an odd thing to hear in regards to this character – but honestly, it’s the truth about a lot of his performances over the past year. It’s been a long time since we’ve seen something with soul come from Kurt, and what Carmen says about his Boy from Oz audition is true. Carmen tells a stricken Kurt that she rarely gives second chances, and when she does, it’s on her own terms. She politely, but firmly, dismisses him.
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