3:00 pm EST, February 14, 2014

Ranking 15 ‘Game of Thrones’ relationships from least to most inappropriate

7) Tyrion/Shae

Tyrion and Shae

Their relationship makes me uncomfortable on a very basic level, because the mere fact that Tyrion is paying for Shae to stay with him and be his personal whore kind of feels like a form of indentured servitude that she would have a lot of trouble getting out of. This imbalance of power is kind of icky, as is the fact that Tyrion is basically buying the woman he loves. And you know, you can’t buy me love.

Then there’s that whole thing where Tyrion’s married now, so more inappropriateness, though it is seriously doubtful that Sansa gives a shiz with whom Tyrion gets his groove on, but mostly the reason this relationship is so inappropriate is because the Pops expressly forbade whores in King’s Landing. And making Daddy Tywin angry? That’s just about the stupidest thing anyone can do. Like ever. Have you heard “The Rains of Castamere,” Tyrion? It’s a lovely little number that gets played to people who piss Tywin Lannister off, right before he goes and destroys their world.

Taboo: infidelity, prostitution, class problemz :’(, Daddy Tywin said NO WHORES
Inappropriateness Scale: 7 ½/10

6) Robb/his Wife

Robb and Talisa

Robb broke an oath and everyone died. That sux. And I hate to be THATGIRL, but at least in the books there’s a real sense that Robb understands the gravity of his mistake, and that he acted out of mourning for his “dead” brothers and in an attempt to preserve an innocent girl’s honor. Also, he didn’t have his momma around to be like NO ROBB, so poor choices are more understandable, if still incredibly stupid. In the show though, he’s just like LOVE LOVE LOVE, like he basically forgot for a minute there that you know, he’s fighting a giantass war to avenge his father’s death and there are thousands upon thousands of lives at stake.

In truth, they are really not that terrible of a couple. The Nurse is fine, even if she thinks it’s funny that she’s Queen of the North and doesn’t know where Winterfell is. (Jeyne Westerling would never pull that shiz.) And they would have made a great long-term couple with trust and love and stuff, except it’s tough to ignore the HORRIBLE TRUTH that Robb broke his oath when he was totes betrothed, and though his reasons may have been noble, his behavior was stupid. And so while I realize that they are not that terrible of a couple, I still hold a lot of resentment towards their stupidity. I’m sure I will get over it eventually. But not yet, because the Greatjon, and Greywind, and Dacey Mormont are dead, and they were total bamfs #whatisdeadmayneverdie.

Taboo: oath-breaking, infidelity, stupidity
Inappropriateness Scale: Jeyne Westerling: 8/10, The Nurse: 8 ½/10 (I just like Jeyne Westerling better, okay?)

5) Jaime/Cersei

Cersei and Jaime

I know! Amazing! But twincest only comes in at Numbah 5 on our countdown to the most unfortunate relationships on Game of Thrones. That’s because twincest, while totally gross, does not, in “theory,” hurt either party when they are two consenting adults. The Targaryens did it for years and they were fine, except for the occasional fire-obsessed mad-man lunatic king. Which is kind of the point. Putting aside the oath-breaking, infidelity, and small children thrown out of windows in the name of this taboo love, the worst thing to come from this relationship was that they produced a totally crazy-insane kid that gets his kicks by cutting out people’s tongues and harpooning whores.

Taboo: incest, oath-breaking, infidelity, defenestrating children
Inappropriateness Scale: 9½/10

4) Sansa/Joffrey

Sansa and Joffrey

Joffrey is the worst. He’s just so gross. So, he kills his fiance’s dad, cool, then forces her to go stare at his decapitated head on a spike. Charming. For the majority of their relationship, Joffrey gets a twisted pleasure out of putting Sansa through hell by physically, emotionally, and sexually abusing her. In one of his most dreamboat moments, he strips her naked at court and publicly has her flogged.

Taboo: physical abuse, emotional abuse, killing all her family
Inappropriateness Scale: 10/10

3) Tyrion/Sansa

Tyrion and Sansa

Tyrion is so cool, but unfortunately, marrying a minor against their consent is not. This relationship could definitely have gone a lot worse, but the premise itself of a young girl being trafficked into a marriage to an older man by the people who killed her entire family is squirm-inducing enough to earn one of the top spots on this list. Ironically enough, under different circumstances, these two could definitely become the power couple of Westeros with his brains, her charm, and both their families’ influence, but until Sansa becomes an adult, we’re filing this under the deeply inappropriate category.

Taboo: pedophilia, killing all her family
Inappropriateness Scale: 12/10 while Sansa’s a minor (4/10 when she’s not anymore)

2) Sansa/The Hound

Sansa and the Hound

Can we all just agree that Sansa’s life sucks? The Hound definitely has some hero-worthy moments when he saves her in King’s Landing, but #controversialfandomopinions time, his obsession with his tween-dream Little Bird is definitely creepy. Thank goodness his personality as a whole was toned down in the television show, because it makes him more sympathetic and watchable, but during the Battle of Blackwater in A Clash of Kings, Sandor comes to the brink of raping Sansa himself before she sings him her song. So, no, this isn’t exactly WUVTWUEWUV at its most idyllic. What we would have here with a SanSan union would be an incredibly inappropriate relationship between a grownass killing machine and a disillusioned little girl who doesn’t know where to place her trust anymore.

Taboo: pedophilia, sexual assault
Inappropriateness Scale: 57/10

1) Dany/Khal Drogo

Dany and Drogo

Oh wow! Look at the beautiful sunset! So romantic! Oh wait, this was right before Drogo pretty much forced himself onto his new wife, right? And no, the fact that he added in some foreplay in the books does not really detract from the fact that it is super inappropriate (and just plain wrong) to sell someone into sex slavery. But they fell in love! the Internet cries. Truth is, Dany is a survivor, and she did what she had to, both consciously and unconsciously, to make it out alive. She’s a tough cookie and a smart girl, so she used her wits to basically trick Drogo into falling in love with her so that she would be treated better. But she was also young and naive (only 13 in the books) and having rarely experienced what genuine love from any human being felt like, it was easy for her to fall in love with her captor (like in Stockholm syndrome) as a means of keeping herself sane. And did we already mention slavery? Because that’s never okay.

Taboo: pedophilia, sexual assault, slavery
Inappropriateness Scale: 432/10

Season 4 of Game of Thrones returns to HBO on April 6th to bring us more delightfully inappropriate relationships!

Which Game of Thrones couple do you find to be the most inappropriate?

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