I saw Fifty Shades Darker last night, and you know what? I had a fun time, just like I did when I saw Fifty Shades of Grey.

Based on the books of the same name by E.L. James — whose stories were inspired by Twilight — the Fifty Shades trilogy finds Ana and Christian grappling to hold together a relationship plagued by Christian’s interest in BDSM.

Like the books, the movies are bad. Readers and moviegoers (mostly women) like them for the sex. They’re exciting escapes from the real world, where there’s a lot less hot sex going on.

‘Fifty Shades Darker’ movie review

I went into Fifty Shades Darker with the bar set lower than it was for Fifty Shades of Grey. I was expecting there to be zero story (“Where could it possibly go from here?”), and thanks to this low hurdle I was not disappointed.

Here’s the thing: Yes, the movies are terrible, but these are films that are so terrible they’re great. They’re just a fun time at the theater. I’m not turned on in the slightest by the sex (too much nude Ana, too little nude Christian for this gay guy) and the story and acting is worthy of a daytime soap opera, but you can’t help but laugh out loud at what’s going on. No joke: My entire theater, made up of critics and industry people, was laughing out loud throughout the movie.

It’s just fascinating how a story like this could become so successful and turn into a major Hollywood blockbuster. The laughter comes from the juxtaposition of the success with the foolishness.

Perhaps the worst/best part of Fifty Shades Darker is the helicopter crash. Christian heads to Portland for a quick business trip with a partner, and on their way back — in a scene that feels awkwardly wedged in — his helicopter crashes deep in the northwestern woods. Back in Seattle, Ana and Christian’s family are reeling from the news that the dominant has gone missing — there’s even live news coverage talking about how this well-known billionaire is gone. “Christian will make it out, he always does,” the family tells themselves, as if he’s a super hero.

As the family cries and the news station continues to talk about the case mere hours after the crash, Christian walks through his front door with only a little blood around his hairline and some dirt on his face. How the FUCK did Christian crash his helicopter, get himself out, and get back home — all while no one in his family or in the media, who were stationed at the helicopter hanger, have any clue as to his whereabouts?

Seeing Christian walk through his own front door triggered a riot of laughter from my audience. It was so surreal that the scene deserves its own Razzie category. It was beyond nonsensical.

Other hilarious highlights: Ana getting finger banged in a crowded elevator while a woman directly in front of her appears to hear her not-so-quiet moans of pleasure (pictured below); the two villains of the film, Ana’s ex boss and Christian’s ex master, getting soap opera-like finales (Elena gets a double whammy drink AND slap in the face!); Ana telling Christian that one of his toys is NOT going up her butt; the Chronicles of Riddick poster perfectly positioned behind Christian at the end of the movie, perhaps a slight nod to the fact that this Fifty Shades film series is… chronicling ridiculousness? (This poster earned a laugh as loud as the one during the helicopter scene.)

If I had to issue a real complaint about about the movie, I’d say that Christian was not nude enough. In most cases he kept his pants only halfway down his ass when he was fucking Ana. At least throw the ladies a bone and give us fully nude Christian. You don’t see his peen either. Maybe they’re saving it for the finale?

Besides that, I had a blast, and what more could you want in these trying times? We all need a little garbage to take our mind off the troubles of our day. Luckily for fans like me, they even set up Fifty Shades Freed, and I’m genuinely curious to see how Elena and Jack are gonna try to fuck up Christian and Ana. (I don’t want to read the book to find out… I want to wait for the movie!!!)

See Fifty Shades Darker if you want to laugh with your friends. It’s as simple as that.

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September 22, 2017
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