9:30 am EDT, April 3, 2015

Everything I know about ‘Outlander’ I learned from restless housewives

Outlander is the Game of Thrones of soccer moms. Right?

I’ve never seen an episode of Outlander, but the whispered exchanges I’ve walked in on coupled with the marketing posters that look like a fantasy perfume ad have convinced me I need to give the show a try.

So, before I marathon the first half of the season in preparation for Saturday’s mid-season premiere, here’s what I’ve come to assume Outlander is all about.

Outlander takes place in Scotland.

Panoramic view of Old man of Storr mountains, Scottish highlands
The mountains are so beautiful! The trees are so beautiful! The world is so beautiful! No wonder Wills and Kate fell in love!

But not today’s Scotland. Because: time travel.

Outlander time travel
The time travel makes Scotland EVEN MORE ROMANTIC because the beautiful scenery isn’t obstructed by silly things like roads and working sewer systems. Additionally, the beautiful kilted men are given free reign to embrace their masculinity without being confined by the social constructs of good hygiene. (We all know how deodorant and regular showers are SUCH a turn off.)

A sassy, modern-day heroine wrestles with the confines of a patriarchal society.

What is a beautiful woman in a country full of Scottish rogues to do???? How will she assert her own independence????

But seriously, traveling back in time to end up stuck with a bunch of stinky strangers kind of sounds terrible. And how is this chick supposed to Google time-traveling solutions without a computer??

She misses her husband a lot.

Outlander husband
He’s not as sexy nor as Scottish as the fellas she finds in the time traveling highlands, but we shouldn’t hold that against him.

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But maybe not that much, because there’s also JAMIE.

Outlander Jamie
Jamie is the moon of Outlander’s life. He is the sun and the stars.

Jamie has sexy, Scottish bedroom eyes.

Outlander Jamie and Claire
They pierce into your soul, begging you to touch those weird rock formations at your local park. Maybe they will whisk you away to your own sexy Scotsman?

Jamie is a virgin.

Outlander horse
Despite his bedroom eyes, Jamie is inexperienced in the bedroom. Because he has been waiting for YOU. His inexperience is part of his appeal. He is here to be YOURS, to do with as you wish. Look at his innocence. HE ONLY WANTS TO PLEASE YOUR SOUL.

Just kidding. He’s not anymore.

Outlander wedding night
But I hear he is pretty good in the sack…

Outlander’s mid-season premiere is this Saturday, April 4 on Starz.

Did I get it right? What’s ‘Outlander’ all about?

More Outlander: ‘Outlander’ art: 10 things we love

More fun stuff: Everything I know about Divergent I learned from reading angry Internet comments

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