1:00 pm EST, December 14, 2015

Everything I know about ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ I learned from my geeky college roommates

Get ready for some newbie predictions!

Rewatchable is embarking on its (years-long!) project this week of re-watching and recapping the Joss Whedon cult-fave and feminist anthology Buffy the Vampire Slayer, so I thought that as a resident newbie to the show, I’d record my limited knowledge here for posterity — (besides, the super fans deserve a good laugh at my expense).

As far as my Buffy the Vampire Slayer knowledge goes, I had never heard of the blonde vamp-slaying bombshell with the dorky name before being introduced to my college roommates, who surprisingly enough, turned out to be even geekier than me. It was a TRAVESTY, I was a told, an ABSOLUTE TRAVESTY that I had never experienced the glory of Sarah Michelle Gellar in pleather pants.

Like proper Buffy fanatics, my college roommates had shrines devoted to the show in their dorm rooms. They plastered posters of their favorite characters on the walls, and quoted Joss Whedon’s quirky dialogue back to each other. Yeah. Like I said, they were (jk, still are) geeks.

So, without further ado, here is everything I learned about Buffy the Vampire Slayer from my geeky college roommates:

Buffy is a cheerleader, and yes, unfortunately that is her real name

Buffy the Vampire Slayer Movie

She has a killer sense of style and a killer wooden stake she uses to vanquish her enemies, whether they be high school mean girls or demons from the Hellmouth (…though, they’re kind of the same thing, amiright?)

David Boreanaz is an angel

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Booth Bones

As if this wasn’t obvious from the fact the man has literally not aged in twenty years. Though, if I’m totally honest, it’s going to be pretty hard for me to accept him making googly eyes at anyone he hasn’t nicknamed “Bones.”

Spike is not a dog

Promo 2

I don’t know much about this guy, other than that he has a terrible bleach job.

Seth Green was maybe sexy once?

Seth Green Buffy

Despite being the tiniest ginger on the planet, apparently Seth Green was once something of a sex symbol to a specific Buffy-loving fangirl collective. I know this because one of my college roommates had a poster above her bed of him fondling Alyson Hannigan in a smoldering embrace.

Alyson Hannigan levitates (when she has sex)

Lily and Marshall

I have seen exactly one Buffy episode courtesy of my crazy-obsessed college roommates: the musical episode. Not gonna lie, it was some crazy shit. I literally did not understand a single thing that was going on, and the only thing I specifically remember was that Alyson Hannigan had sex in a park in broad daylight, (which by the way, is like totally illegal, and just not cool guys, be chill) and then started levitating. You would think this would be worrisome, but none of the park passerby were concerned about her sex levitation. Also, I should mention she was belting out a full-fledged musical number the entire time.

Everyone hates Michelle Trachtenberg

Georgina Blair

I’m not really sure why this is relevant, but I’ve gathered from the aura of the general Internet collective that this is a thing? Whatever. I’m #TeamBlairWaldorf anyway. Xoxo.

And, umm, that’s it? Yup. I don’t know much about what to expect going into Rewatchable’s seventh round for Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but as long as pleather pants are involved, I’m down for the ride.

How did I do in my newbie predictions? Feel free to laugh at my own expense along with Rewatchable’s other superfans! Talk to us at Hypable, on twitter, tumblr, or send us an email at [email protected]

Will you be keeping up with our ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ re-watch?

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