12:00 pm EDT, March 22, 2014

Everything I know about ‘Divergent’ I learned by reading angry Internet comments

Hair is a VERY big deal.

It’s always a touchy subject when one of our beloved franchises tries to break out onto the big screen. We feel protective over the characters we’ve grown to love, and since we all see the world differently, nothing can ever really express the unique vision we’ve created for ourselves.

I know nothing Jon Snow about Divergent. The Today Show did inform me that it’s arguably the biggest young adult series since The Hunger Games, but I must have been sleeping under a rock for the last few years because until relatively recently, I wasn’t even aware of the book series’ existence. What finally caught my attention was the hoopla surrounding the release of the final book coupled with Divergent‘s casting choices. Because alas, that much semi-organized Internet anger could not be ignored.

There are a lot of strong opinions on Divergent floating around the Internet, and they’ve fortunately allowed me the opportunity to learn everything important about the series. I’ve decided that the details are pretty irrelevant though, since I’ve managed to gather enough information so that (if called upon) I could definitely host my own Divergent interview on the Today Show.

Here is what I learned about Divergent while reading the Angry Internet Comments.

The Heroine is named Tris.

Tris blondeIt sounds like “tres.” Which is the Spanish word for “three.” This is important because…

The Hero’s name is Four.

Four Theo James
I’m sorry sir, I don’t care how hot you are, that is still a silly name because the only acceptable number-names for humans are Six, and obviously Seven.

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Tris is blonde.

This is important because Shailene Woodley is not blonde. So obviously she will be terrible in this movie. Because the Hero, Four, would never love a non-blonde Shailene Woodley. Non-blonde Shailene Woodley was in that terrible show about pregnant teenagers that was made more terrible by the fact that Shailene Woodley is terrible and not blonde. So Shailene Woodley will probably ruin the movie with her terrible, non-blonde acting.

No one saw ‘The Descendants.’

The Descendants 2
I know. This has nothing to do with Divergent — but I did learn this while reading the Internet comments. In The Descendants, Shailene Woodley co-stars opposite George Clooney in a film that won the Golden Globe in 2011 for Best Drama. Shailene Woodley also won multiple acting awards that year, but most importantly, she was also not blonde in this film.

Four is ridiculously sexy and also a dead Turkish diplomat.

Mr. Pamuk
Mr. Pamuk is playing the part of our handsome hero, Four, and even though he is too old and too perfectly tanned, the Internet has chosen to give him the benefit of the doubt due to the perfect combination of his piercing smolder and tantalizing lip pout. They offer just the right balance between vulnerable sensuality and testosterone-filled masculinity. Despite his staggering good looks, I have to say though, that it’s going to take a lot, A LOT, to make me forget this prize-worthy sequence.

Throwing knives is sexy.

Tris knives
Everyone is super excited to watch Mr. Pamuk throw knives at Shailene Woodley. I’m not sure if this is because everyone is still so angry that Shailene Woodley isn’t blonde, or if it’s because Grease taught teenagers everywhere that violence and danger are essential elements to finding your soulmate.

Jumping off trains is also sexy.

Divergent Trailer - screengrab
Please refer to my above statement regarding Grease.

Tris’ brother is sexy.

Caleb and Tris
And people seem to be really worried that Tris will also think her brother is sexy? I don’t understand, but the comments sort of suggest that it might be John Green’s fault.

Chicago is basically like Hogwarts, except that once you get sorted everyone tries to kill you.

Divergent chicago
In Divergent, for some reason everyone on the planet lives in Chicago, and Chicago’s government hates everyone. Like at Hogwarts, teenagers in Divergent are asked to suppress their originality and conform to a specific set of ideals, and like at Hogwarts, bravery (aka “by far the kindest word for stupidity”) is valued above all else because medicine and art are redundant when there are still people in the world left to punch. There are other houses too, but I’m confused as to what they represent — I am pretty sure one is named Aphrodite, though.

Kate Winslet is really good at being evil.

Kate Winslet divergent
This isn’t a surprise since Kate Winslet is good at everything, despite the fact that she did let go.

Everyone hated Mockingjay.

Katniss mockingjay
I liked Mockingjay, but apparently no one else did. I found out that no one liked Mockingjay after reading the onslaught of Angry Internet Comments accusing the final Divergent book of being just like Mockingjay. Does that mean that the book was deeply insightful about our culture’s obsession with violence and celebrity, as well as the cyclical nature of war?

Veronica Roth is a badass.

Veronica Roth
So basically I learned that she wrote a best-selling book series and created a cultural phenomenon by the time she was twenty-five. I don’t know anything about Divergent, but now I do know that Veronica Roth is crazy-cool.

Feel free to leave more Angry Internet Comments in the comments so I can learn even more about Divergent!

What are you most excited to see in ‘Divergent’?

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