April Fools!
We’ve seen him dye his hair; we’ve seen him slick it back. Now, reports from late last night indicate that Oscar-winning actor Jared Leto has killed six people in preparation for his upcoming role as The Joker.
After we heard in reports yesterday that he threatened concert hecklers in character, it should come as no surprise that he would take the next step into his character.
However, the police are not looking for Leto, who has made a habit of targeting a specific profile.
“Currently, it seems that all of Leto’s victims are convicted child abusers and instigators of domestic violence,” said Los Angeles Police Chief Arthur J. Wiggum. “So we’re just gonna let this one run its course.”
Indeed, all of Leto’s victims were found guilty by a jury of their peers with damning physical evidence to boot. Although it is typically not police protocol to allow vigilante justice, Wiggum admits that he started off looking at the case with a bias eye.
“At first I thought ‘well, this is obviously a bad thing,'” said Wiggum. “But then my buddy asked me what I would do if it was Batman out there beatin’ the pulp outta thugs. I gotta admit, It’s a double standard. Am I the type of guy willing to judge someone based on the color of the clown makeup he’s wearing? No.”
Although Leto’s actions have the whole country talking, nobody is speculating more than the fans in the comments section of comic book related news articles.
“Wonder if this means he kills child molesters in Suicide Six?” speculated W1Nter Solja Bo18.
“It’s called Suicide SQUAD you ing n00b!” responded GooRavy.
The news has reached a global scale, but no population is more affected than the people in Leto’s hometown of Los Angeles.
“What a nut,” said local Los Angeles citizen Joseph Douchebag through his cigarette. “You know he walked down Sunset dressed like a transvestite for Dallas Buyers Club? These actors, man.”
However, not everyone is a fan. Leto’s actions have drawn ire from critics, including the friends and families of those Leto has killed.
“None of us really liked Jeb,” said Gloria Handleman, President of the newly founded Association for the Illegalization of Killing People to Prepare for Movie Roles (AIKPPMR).
“Actually, this isn’t about Jeb. Forget Jeb,” added Handleman. “This is about the illegalization of killing people to prepare for movie roles, which we believe is just wrong.”
Although Leto was unavailable for comment, he made this joint statement with his lawyer and his press laison late last night:
“HAhaHAhaHAhaHAhaHAhaHAhaHAha
HAhaHAhaHAhaHAhaHAhaHAh
aHAhaHAhaHAhaHAhaHA
haHAhaHAhaHAhHAhaHAhaHAhaHAhaHAhaHAhaHAhHAAAAA!”
This isn’t the first time that people have responded negatively to murder by celebrities.
“In ’88, back when we were filming the original Batman, I killed twenty-three people,” said Jack Nicholson, who also played the role. “It was the eighties, it was just a greatly different time. I’m surprised Leto can get away with six in this town.”
It’s true. These days, many actors actively avoid committing any murders on their path to stardom due to the widespread use of social media.
“It’s just not smart anymore,” said talent manager Ari Goldenweiss. “People don’t like murder anymore. Typically. But what Leto’s doing. Pfff. He’s on to something, that guy.”
Today’s top stories
– Beyoncé joins the Marvel Cinematic Universe
– Jared Leto continues preparations to play The Joker, kills 6 people
– Disney saves everyone time, announces Frozen 3 is happening
– ‘Harry was actually a figment of Ron’s imagination’ admits J.K. Rowling
– ‘Doctor Who’ sets John Barrowman as new showrunner
– Christopher Nolan to helm ‘Jurassic World 2,’ real dinosaurs to be used
– George Lucas to release ‘alternative’ Star Wars sequel in 2016
– Disney fans livid Emma Thompson bares no resemblance to Mrs. Potts
– One Direction to guest star on ‘Doctor Who’ this fall
– George R.R. Martin admits: ‘I might never finish A Song of Ice and Fire’