April Fools!

The original Star Wars creator is “furious” at J.J. Abrams for ruining his franchise, and wants to show the world what a “real” Star Wars film looks like.

George Lucas is not a happy trooper. Ever since it was announced that J.J. Abrams would be helming the Star Wars sequel The Force Awakens, he has been silently fuming on his Skywalker Ranch, watching as Abrams destroyed his beloved creation.

But he will be silent no longer.

“Look, I’m a liberal guy,” Lucas says. “But not that liberal. The changes J.J. made to my vision are inexcusable.”

Evidently, Lucas had a whole other plan in mind for Episode VII.

“This was supposed to be fun, you know, one for the kids,” he laments. “Just a goofy adventure. I just really wanted to do something more like Attack of the Clones, you know? I know that wasn’t everyone’s favorite movie, but it’s my story, damn it! MINE!”

Instead, he claims Abrams’ movie will be “dark, edgy, and emotional. Three words I never want to hear associated with a Star Wars movie again!”

But you don’t have to take his word for it. Lucas, incensed at Disney for allowing Abrams to pollute his vision with things like original cast cameos (“I wanted Hayden back, but did they listen?”), a new droid (“it’s Jar Jar or no dice”) and advanced light sabers (“now that’s just ridiculous”), has deemed the new trilogy a “hacky piece of fanfiction,” and is now embarking on his own odyssey to correct Abrams’ mistakes.

“I’ll be doing it all myself. I’m done trusting anyone else,” Lucas vows. “My Episode VII – the official sequel — will be edited together using B-roll footage of Natalie Portman and Hayden Christensen from the prequel series, digitally altered so they’ll look like the future Skywalker children. I’ll be donning the Wookie suit myself, and just shoot some sh– here on the ranch. And Jar Jar Binks is just hand-drawn animation anyway, so it’ll probably mostly be about him.”

The “real” Star Wars VII, Reprise of the Gungan, is set to hit cinemas in early 2016.

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