I have a confession to make: I have never watched a single episode of Doctor Who. That’s ok though, because I learned everything I really need to know about the show from pop culture, and it would never steer me wrong, right?

Honestly, Doctor Who has been on my list of shows that I need to watch for what seems like forever, but I just haven’t gotten around to it. Doctor Who just has such a long history and so many episodes. I know, I know: “Excuses, excuses.”

You can imagine how left out I feel once conversations with friends turn to Doctor Who. So, instead of trying to remain completely unspoiled about the show, I’ve absorbed as much as I can about it so that I can pretend like I know what I’m talking about. Now I have the opportunity to prove how much I know (or don’t know) about Doctor Who.

I do have to warn you though: There may be spoilers past this point. Because I’ve gathered my information from what I’ve seen on Tumblr, what I’ve read on Hypable and in the news, and what I’ve heard from my friends, this post may be highly spoilerific. Or it could just be complete codswollop. You be the judge.

Everything I know about ‘Doctor Who’

What I think it’s about

Doctor Who is a family-oriented show that follows one man’s adventures. There’s this man who calls himself “The Doctor.” As far as I can tell, he is not a real doctor, yet he makes everyone else refer to him as “The Doctor.”

He travels through time and space in a London phone booth that’s called “The Tardis.” How he can differentiate between his Tardis and a regular phone booth whenever he’s in modern London is beyond me.

Anyway, he travels through time mostly for fun, but also to try to fix things that he really shouldn’t fix (like major world events). He carries this tool with him that he calls the “Sonic Screwdriver,” but I can’t tell if it’s an actual screwdriver. Not like it would be effective in fixing major world events. But I think he keeps it on hand when he needs to defeat his mortal enemies, the Daleks (which you have to pronounce “dah-lex” or you’ll get yelled at).

The Doctor

The Doctor is a time traveler who never ages. He does, however, tend to die often. Whenever he does die, he regenerates into a completely different actor because he’s some sort of magical being. Even though he’s technically the same person, his tastes in style change from regeneration to regeneration. He also normally regenerates into a mid-30s or middle-aged man so that people don’t question how often he’s called “The Doctor.”

The main purpose of The Doctor’s existence is to make sure that the Daleks don’t mess up history too much (even though he’s doing basically the same thing). The Daleks are basically like rogue Doctors who merged with their Tardis (Tardises? Is there a plural for that word? I don’t know). The Doctor has to keep up a professional appearance so he refuses to tell anyone his name.

David Tennant was the slightly sarcastic and snarky Doctor

Every picture I ever see of him as the Doctor in Doctor Who makes me want to chuckle. Therefore, I postulate that he was one of the most (if not the most) charismatic Doctor to date.

Matt Smith’s Doctor is the equivalent of a puppy dog

He just seems to always be smiling and happy. No matter what’s happening. It’s almost impossible to find a photo of his Doctor crying or upset, unlike David Tennant’s Doctor (but we’ll get to that in a little bit). Matt Smith just reminds me of a sweet puppy dog. Too bad he’s trying to mess up history.

Peter Capaldi is the new Doctor

This is one of my points that I’m certain about. However, I’m not quite sure why the show would take a step backwards age-wise and line up an older Doctor next. It almost seemed like they were pulling a Benjamin Button thing for a bit, which would have been really interesting.

The companions

While he may be a magical, immortal being, The Doctor needs a companion or two to help him succeed in his mission. This may be because he usually takes on the body of a middle-aged man and therefore cannot do as much as he could if he were in the body of a twenty-something. They are also around to make sure that he doesn’t mess up history too badly.

Above all though, the companions are meant to be potential love interests for The Doctor(s). Matt Smith’s Doctor loves Amy Pond so much that, after he meets the adult version of her, he travels back in time to impress her as a child and begin courting her at an early age.

Rose

She’s David Tennant’s companion/love interest as well as the love interest for the Doctor before him. They (she and David Tennant) eventually get together, but then when he regenerates into Matt Smith’s Doctor, she disappears.

She must have fallen into a black hole or got caught in some sort of time trap around the time that David Tennant’s Doctor incarnation dies. Either that or she doesn’t want to go through the trouble of having to make the Doctor love her all over again, so she leaves.

The Ponds

Amy and Rory Pond were two of the most popular companions. They seemed to have some sort of weird incestuous relationship going on (even though I believe Doctor Who is categorized as a children’s show). Amy is at times in love with The Doctor but then, at other times, with her brother Rory. They give up the position of “companion” and have the Doctor drop them off in a time period where marriage between siblings is culturally acceptable. They then get married and live happily ever after.

The Tardis

The only explanation I have for people loving a tricked-out phone booth is that it’s actually a character. So I’m assuming the Tardis is the JARVIS to The Doctor’s Tony Stark.

Curly-Haired Lady

This woman has been around for multiple regenerations of the Doctor (however, because this show deals with time travel, I have no idea how much time that would be). She seems to be pretty sassy and also flirts a lot with the Doctor. They probably have one of those annoying on-again, off-again relationships where the Doctor is constantly going back to her.
 
Continue on to the next page to read more of my theories and Whovian perceptions.

It’s always “Doctor,” never “Dr.”

If you ever make the mistake of spelling the show or the character’s name as “Dr. Who,” you will either be immediately corrected, sorely reprimanded, or laughed at (for reference, see my friend and fellow Hypable writer Tariq Kyle’s tweet above.) Which I guess makes sense because if The Doctor can’t save himself from dying over and over again, he’s probably not an actual doctor.

The reboot of this series is better than the original

Doctor Who has technically been a show for 50 years, but hasn’t been on the air for 50 consecutive years. I can’t see any successful show taking a 15+ year hiatus, so my conclusion is that the most recent seasons are sort a reboot of the original seasons. Most of the people who watch the show now constantly tell me that I don’t need to see the old seasons (or “series,” as the British call them) and that I should just start watching from when Doctor Who returned.

This show is almost completely ship-less, except for Doctor/companion ships

Unlike a lot of other TV shows and movies, there are very few Doctor Who ships. Furthermore, out of those ships, the majority of them are canon. This is quite a shock to me, considering how there are always shipping wars or conversations going on for other TV shows that I follow.

This red-haired woman (who is not Amy Pond) pops up from time to time, but seems to annoy everyone

Every gif I see with this character has some sort of annoying quote on it. In fact, I’ve come across quite a few gif sets of her just complaining about stuff or making snide remarks. Plus, she just never looks happy and the people she talks to never look happy either. I can’t help but think that she’s not a fan-favorite character and she’s just there to evoke funny quotes or phrases from the Doctor.

These scary angel statues, that may or may not bleed from their eyes, are super creepy

Why would anyone ever think this kind of creature or imagery was ok for a general audience? Supernatural could get away with something like this because it’s not advertised as a family-friendly show. You’re apparently not supposed to look at the angels, but I’m not quite sure why. I’m thinking that they either turn people to stone or cry even harder once they perceive a person’s sins? Seriously though, how do these angels’ faces not terrorize the minds of children and adults alike?

Speaking of ‘Supernatural,’ Crowley makes an appearance at some point

What TV show is this guy not on? Given his previous television credits and history, I’m guessing that he causes quite a few problems for the Doctor and his companions. He looks pretty stylish, so I’m going to postulate that he was once a Doctor himself before falling from grace.

George Lucas wrote an episode for ‘Doctor Who’ once and threw in these ‘Star Wars’ rejects

These creatures look too much like a George Lucas/Star Wars invention to be completely original to Doctor Who. Especially their faces. I know that famous directors and writers have guest written for the show before and, since Peter Jackson is still campaigning to write and/or direct an episode, these creatures must have come from the mind of a Jedi master. I’m assuming they are similar to Jabba the Hutt in that they lounge around all day and make others do their work for them.

The Doctor disguises himself by wearing hats that correspond to his surroundings

Some people wear masks, others don elaborate get-ups. The Doctor simply changes his hat to fit in. I also can’t help but notice that The Doctor’s clothing in general is important to the fan base. Between Matt Smith’s bow tie, the red fez, and the plain brown trench coat that David Tennant’s Doctor was most known for, what item of clothing does the Doctor not deem “cool”?

David Tennant’s Doctor cried in the rain once

…And nobody will ever forget it. I’m assuming it was over a girl or female companion because, out of everything I’ve seen and heard about the show, nothing shakes up a Doctor quite like a female.

I think out of all of the images and gifs I have ever seen of Doctor Who, this one is the one I’ve seen most often. I actually think that it has been around so much and for so long that I didn’t even know it was from Doctor Who the first time I saw it. It makes me think that Whovians are constantly sad or upset, but I’m not sure why.

Which leads me to my last point…

Every episode of ‘Doctor Who’ is painful to watch

Whenever an episode of Doctor Who is about to air, airing, or has just recently aired, I can always tell because the GIF of David Tennant crying always plagues my newsfeed. My question is what could possibly be so heart-wrenching about a man who chooses to mess with history?

So, how did I do?

Well, that’s all I know (or think I know) about Doctor Who. I’m not sure how much of it is correct, but I feel like a lot about the show is pretty straightforward. But, I promise to eventually watch the show and properly educate myself on it. You can count on that. Feel free to let me know how I did in the comments below.

P.s. “Bowties are cool.” Nailed it.