Actress Shailene Woodley is continuing with her plan to take over any and all future highly anticipated young adult literature adaptations. Following her recent deals to star in Divergent as Tris and Hazel in The Fault in Our Stars, the actress and two studios announced her involvement in upcoming projects on Monday.
Woodley will star as Hermione Granger in the reboot of the Harry Potter film series, Warner Bros. announced today. “When we saw Shailene take the lead role in The Fault in Our Stars, our first thought was: We LOVED John Green’s Harry Potter song! What was it called again? That one…,” the studio said in a statement. “We know we can use this random connection to Harry Potter to springboard an exciting new franchise for the fans. It’s all about the fans, and we have a lot of them.”
Not to be outdone, Lionsgate had big news of its own. “Oh really, Warner Brothers?” its press release uncharacteristically began. “We have Woodley for the role of Katniss in our The Hunger Games reboot scheduled to debut in 2016.” The news of a reboot came as a real surprise to those who love Suzanne Collins’ series, particularly because only one film in the original franchise has been released thus far.
Former Hermione and Katniss actresses Emma Watson and Jennifer Lawrence released a joint statement about the announcements. “This is more messed up than when Emma was rumored to be under consideration for Fifty Shades of Grey,” the pair agreed.
Reading their statement, Woodley’s agent grew wide-eyed and quickly signed a deal with Universal. “Woodley signs on to star as Anastasia in E.L. James’ Fifty Shades of Grey,” said the fourth press release in a span of three hours.
“Wait, what?” James said on the phone when Hypable asked for comment. “Well, I won’t lie and admit I didn’t think of her in sexy ways when I saw her in The Descendants, and heaven knows we need to get filming this thing before it’s as distant a memory as someone’s second time having sex. We’ll take her!”
Fans were understandably upset that Woodley is signing on for roles that fiction dwellers had spent weeks upon weeks thinking about on their respective Tumblrs. People became so upset, they couldn’t even find a GIF that was capable of expressing their dismay.
Hypable is currently considering changing its name to “Woodable” because it’s clear we’ll be writing a lot, lot more about her.
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