Check out our extremely sassy recap of The Originals season 1, episode 6 “Fruit of the Poisoned Tree,” along with a preview for next week’s episode, “Bloodletting.”

It’s time for our weekly recap of the brand new CW show, The Originals! Season 1, episode 6 “Fruit of the Poisoned Tree” brought us a bunch of epic moments, so check out where we reacted most.

This recap was written at first watch, and is therefore filled with sass and OMGs. We apologize for any spontaneity you may encounter.

Classical Murder
-The episode begins with a recap. Like we forgot what happened, psh!
-We start off with Klaus and Elijah both reading really old books, and a random girl on the table.
-Loving the classical music playing behind this scene.
-Klaus got the girl on the table for Elijah since he’s been in a coffin for so long, but Elijah wants to be honorable.
-Cami visits her brother’s grave and someone spay painted MURDERER on it. Whatabitch.
-Klaus is reading a poem called “Poison Tree” in the background of all these scenes. Ain’t he the romantic one?
-Haley and Elijah have a bonding moment where Elijah helps Haley make cereal. She doesn’t like the witches and thinks they’re evil.
-Haley wants to unlink her and Sophie, and Rebekah is all for it. “Who do we have to kill?” says Rebekah, and then Elijah is all “Probably no one. …okay potentially everyone.”
-A bunch of weird hooded figures attack Sophie and her friend witch with magic. Who they be?!
-Elijah wants Davina to unlink Sophie and Haley, because now the deal between them and Sophie is null and void. HECKYEAH.
-Marcel talks to Klaus’ vampire minion, Josh, and talks about how there isn’t anyone he can trust. Josh quotes Lord of the Rings, and we fell in love with him.
-Cami visits her uncle during confession, he’s been avoiding her. She explains that Marcel has been blowing her off, and now Cami doesn’t feel any pain. She feels like she should be feeling something, and she doesn’t like it. ALL KLAUS’ FAULT for compelling her.
-Elijah will give Davina a new page from his mother’s grimoire if she performs the unlinking spell.
-Agnus is the bitch witch who kidnapped Sophie. WHO LIKES HER? SERIOUSLY. Why is she alive?!
-Agnus wants to kill Sophie to kill Haley, which will kill the baby. Wow. That’s a lot of death.

Revelations Aplenty
-Haley can feel the stab in the neck from the needle that Sophie got stuck with. Uh-oh.
-Elijah and Klaus go to talk to the witch friend of Sophie’s that was there when he got attacked. She tells her she better cooperate or else!
-Marcel visits Thierry in the Garden and tells him that he’s the only man Marcel ever trusted.
-In a conversation with Haley, Rebekah is claiming that she’s going to leave town; she only came because of the trouble with Elijah.
-Haley doesn’t feel so good.
-The needle that Sophie got stuck with will raise Haley’s temperature until she miscarries. And it will be done by “high tide tonight.” What is this, The Little Mermaid?
-Apparently Agnus also used the same type of thing against Cami’s brother. And now Klaus wants to find Agnus.
-Thierry explains why he killed the vamp that night he got caught. Thierry thinks Klaus drained the guy he attacked and compelled him.
-Marcel knows what’s going on, and now he knows someone else in the crew is compelled.
-The mayor is meeting with the priest, and they’re talking about how they’re going to handle the “gas leak” Davina caused.
-Klaus visits the council meeting and tells the priest that Agnus is the witch who hexed Sean, his nephew. They agree to discuss it.
-Dang, the priest has balls. He tells Klaus they need time, and when Klaus walks out he tells the town to find Agnus.

Someone Needs Magic Lessons
-Davina is trying to do the spell, but girl your Latin is WAYYY off.
-Haley is definitely feeling the effects of that cursed needle. Sophie visits and says she can slow the fever down, and sends Rebekah to go get what she needs.
-The priest gets a text from the chief of police, who’s name in his phone is “Chief,” and it’s Agnus’ address!
-Klaus wants him to bring Agnus to the church, and in order to get him to cooperate he says he’ll ensure Cami’s safety. Smart move, Mr. Deceptive!

It’s Cinderella Up In Hurr
-They bring Agnus to the church. DIE, BITCH, DIE.
-Agnus thinks the entire witch community will turn against them if they hurt her. Hah. Right. …right?
-In order to help reduce her temperature, Sophie gets Elijah to hold her in the pool. Um, when can Elijah hold US in a pool?
-Davina is still working on the unlinking spell. C’mon girl, we know your Latin can get better.
-And right at the stroke of midnight, Davina unlinks them! What is this, Cinderella? No, we kid, we kid.
-Elijah and Haley look at each other all lovingly in the pool. Um, we’re ridiculously jealous.
-Sophie is vying for Agnus’s survival. WHY, BITCH? WHY?
-Oh. Apparently Agnus is the only person who has access to the magic the witches need to survive.
-Haley tells Sophie that if she uses her to save the witches again, she’ll kill her. HELL YEAH.

Sex and Death
-Rebekah tells Elijah she won’t be there when he gets back. She thinks that Elijah will never leave the city, and never leave Klaus. She doesn’t want a part of what they’re doing, and she wants to be free. D’aww.
-Elijah lets her go, saying that she is free. Double d’awww!
-Marcel tells Rebekah it’s smart of her to run. What better way to get her to stay than to tell her to leave? Hmmm.
-The sexual chemistry between Marcel and Rebekah is off the charts. They go at it like little bunny vampires. In public. Like little exhibitionist bunny vampires.
-Elijah stops Klaus from murdering Agnus, and then he rips out the heart of all the men around them.
-Elijah said that he’d keep Klaus from killing Agnus, not that he wouldn’t kill her. HE TOTALLY KILLS THAT BITCH.
-Mental note: Elijah is like the badass bunny from Hell, unlike his sister’s sexual bunny.

Cami: Fighter Extraordinaire
-After doin’ it like bunnies, Rebekah and Marcus are all cuddly on the balcony of her old bedroom being all cute. …we don’t trust him.
-Rebekah, darling, stop loving so easily. She tells Marcel to come with her. …really, though?
-Marcel says that the empire of New Orleans thrives because of him, and Rebekah tells him that no matter how big his empire becomes it means nothing if he has no one to share it with. She’s seen kings rise and fall, and we hope Marcel FALLS.
-Marcel knocks on the door, Haley answers, and now they’ve officially met. AGH.
-Klaus visits Cami and tells her that a witch hexed him to commit those murders. Aw, yay! …he best not compel her to forget this, AGAIN.
-Klaus tells Cami that he helped kill the witch who did it, and Cami slaps him. She doesn’t like that she’s involved in a revenge murder.
-Cami is so interesting! She hates that Klaus compelled her, and she vows to undo the compulsion and that when she does, Klaus is going to wish he never laid eyes on her. FOUR FOR YOU, CAMI. YOU GO, CAMI!
-Marcel faces Klaus, and tells him that he met Haley. …shit.
-Elijah is looking for Haley, and while Marcel is talking to Klaus, he can’t find her.
-Apparently the house they live in is the same plantation where Marcel used to be a slave.
-Elijah calls Rebekah, who’s on her way out, and Haley is gone.
-WHERE IS HALEY?!

That’s the recap! We hope you loved it as much as we did, and if you didn’t then let us know!

What did you think of this week’s ‘The Originals’?

Check out the preview for next week’s episode, “The Bloodletting.”