Hypable’s Richard lists some of the most unwanted pieces of advice people try to give you on a regular basis. And how to reject it.

“Let me give you some advice…” Six words that are about as welcome as a swab at an STD clinic yet I’m sure you’ve all heard it at least once this week already. This is the polite way of saying “so despite my own tragic existence, here’s some hypocritical wisdom that YOU should live by.”

What we should respond with is something along the lines of, “everyone who ever loved you was wrong.” But we don’t say that. We roll our eyes and smile. Sometimes we might even fake appreciation.

I’m as guilty of this as anyone. I’ve lost track over the amount of times I’ve told someone how they can improve as a person. Actually, a court of law might disagree with my assessment of personal improvement, generally because arson and lobotomies aren’t considered politically correct quite yet. We’ll get there.

Anyway, I propose a new system of dealing with the most clichéd, unhelpful, unwanted, unnecessary and useless advice that’s offered every day. That system is: if you propagate any of the following statements, you thereby give the receiver the full legal authority to ram a rusty spork into your gallbladder, twist it, pull it out, then make you lick it clean.

..And no, that’s absolutely not an overreaction.

Yes, I probably should seek counseling.

In the meantime, here’s my list of annoying pieces of advice, and how I’d retort them.

Music advice

“That music is awful. You shouldn’t like those noises in your ears. No! Instead, you should like THESE noises in your ear.” Music snobbery. Just, ugh.

A lot of this seems to be people trying to differentiate their sense of identity by listening to something that isn’t mainstream, and then judging those who don’t follow suit. Fine, go and search for your lost soul in whatever medium you see fit. Just absorb the knowledge that the rest of humanity probably doesn’t want to listen to Arcade Fire. And we’re fine with that. In fact, we consider ourselves healthier for not doing so.

I encounter this quite frequently; my favourite musician is Bruce Springsteen and the typical reaction when I tell someone that is along the lines of, “er, isn’t he, like, really old?” Ignoring the abominable use of grammar, somehow a person’s age correlates towards their level of talent? Or worse still, somehow a person’s age is in some way influential over the particular melodies that pass through my cochlea and cause synapses to fire in my brain? Seriously?

There’s only one way you can respond to such a statement (until the spork idea becomes law) and that’s with: “It’s a good thing Jesus loves you, because I think you’re a twat.”

Reading advice

This goes hand in hand with people imposing their musical tastes on you. Fine, some books are better written than others. No, Twilight and Oliver Twist don’t quite compare in terms of literary quality. Whatever, let people read what they want. By all means poke fun, critically analyse or review poorly written material, but don’t tell someone that they shouldn’t read a particular book because of that.

Are most Dan Brown books trash? Absolutely. Would I recommend any of them to a friend? Definitely not. Have I read every one of them? Sure have. Am I a worse human being as a result? Inconclusive. But until that is proven otherwise, let me read whatever I want. And by trying to tell me otherwise entails you’re about as welcome as a Yoda costume at a Star Trek convention.

Exercise advice

“You know, you really should go to the gym. I go every day and I think you should too. I see you’re getting a bit fat.” Well do you know what I think? I think the weight gained is a result of being unable to vomit up the massive amounts of shit that enter my ears every time you speak.

This strive for achieving a perfect bodily image is becoming absurd. I work in medicine and I’m perfectly aware of the benefits of exercise and eating healthily. Even if I worked on a farm milking cows, I’d be aware of the benefits of exercise and eating healthily. Why? Because I went to school and along with learning how to read and write, they taught me how to stay alive. And the worst bit is: if I didn’t listen to my teachers about eating five pieces of fruit a day and regular exercise, why in the hell would I take advice from some egotistical camelfart of a human who merely wants a gym buddy?

Furthermore, going to the gym is a dreadful enough experience at the best of times. A never ending line of posers standing by the weights flexing at their steroid-induced muscles coupled with fitness freaks who run 20 miles on the treadmill.

Being next to those people is not only bad for morale, but you sometimes forget that they are abnormal. The vast majority of humanity is (mercifully) not like that at all; they are overweight, lazy, junk-food eating slobs and thank heavens they exist less and we all turn into gym-freaks postulating some radical fitness-based agenda.

Healthcare advice

“You’re looking a bit unwell, are you taking any echinacea? Any natural remedies? It helps prevent cancer, you know!”

No it fucking doesn’t.

If someone even hints I should be taking some form of medicine, I typically erupt. “Are you a clinically experienced healthcare expert? Did you go to medical school for 7 years? Do you have advanced training in pharmacology, epidemiology or oncology? No? Did you just read a random article on the Internet and now believe you’re an expert in something?”

Of course they did. Well they aren’t; they’re as uninformed as a doormat and should be ostracized for a) believing something without looking for evidence and b) convincing others to believe the same thing. There’s a quote from a comedian called Tim Minchin that I feel is particularly relevant here. He’s talking about evolution, but we can apply it to quack-pot pseudoscience too:

“But evolution is only a theory!”, which is true, it is a theory. It’s good that they say that, I think, it gives you hope, doesn’t it, that – that maybe they feel the same way about the theory of gravity… and they might just float the fuck away.

Career advice

This, for me, is the worst one. Now I’m not talking about the career adviser in your high school that you meet before graduating to discuss what jobs are available to you. I’m all in favour of that. Instead, I’m talking about people (particularly colleagues) who try to tell you that taking on a new role or duty will be good for your career.

Excuse me? Is this good for my career, or is this making YOUR life easier? And since when did my career prospects ever become any of your business? If I was competent enough to get the job in the first place, then I’m sure I have the necessary brain cells to figure out how I’d like to progress professionally.

“I was really in a bind until you came along and suggested that I do some extra paperwork from now on; yep, that’s my golden ticket all sorted. I’m going straight to the top!”

The worst thing about this kind of advice is that more often than naught, it’s entirely self-serving towards the person giving it. Not only is the advice deceitful, phony and malignant, it’s often far from being in your best interests. I’ve encountered this numerous times and on each occurrence, I end up thinking that the birth certificates belonging to such individuals are in fact apologies from abortions gone wrong.

Anyway…

Enough hate for now. And if I can give you some advice, don’t listen to anything I say.