It’s the most wonderful time of the year! No, not Christmas – time to choose your Hobbit movie-watching fellowship. Fellowship, get it? See what we did there? Oh, anyway. The friendly team here at Hypable has kindly determined the kinds of friends to include in your Hobbit premiere party, and those to avoid at all costs.
Choosing who you first want to experience The Hobbit with is a huge decision. You have to determine your friends skillsets carefully, to eliminate any cave trolls who might get in your way. Here are the five friends you should absolutely include in your Hobbit-watching party, and two so-called “friends”* to exclude from your fellowship** at all costs.
*Hypable doesn’t condone ending friendships just because certain people can’t be trusted to watch The Hobbit properly. Although, there are worse reasons.
**It’s a good joke. Really.
DO INVITE:
The friend who: has read all Tolkien’s books, appendices, letters and shopping lists
If you’re having trouble locating them, this will be the same person who spent Lord of the Rings muttering about some bloke called Glorfindel and making snarky comments about Arwen. Now we know what you’re thinking: “Surely it’s counter-productive to my movie-enjoying experience to bring along someone who will spend hours before the film listing all the things they expect to be wrong, and years after the film listing all the things that were wrong.” Right?
No, just trust us on this. It’s part of the true moviegoing experience to have a fan who knows everything about everything, and isn’t shy to announce it. It actually makes it more enjoyable, and you can feel superior to everyone around you who doesn’t have a walking Tolkien encyclopaedia. Plus you’ll need someone to sit down and analyze the past 2.5 hours with, and you bet that you can always count on this friend for overanalysis.
The friend who: you can always count on to dress up
It isn’t a real fan experience if someone isn’t wearing hobbit feet, or carrying an axe, or doing their best to turn a discounted Dumbledore costume into Gandalf. No matter whether you have chosen to take the midnight screening route, or are attending the first daytime release, or you’re nicely waiting until the unlucky fans in Australia, Iceland and Poland are allowed to see it, at least one costumed friend is essential.
Some people will always be anti-costume; some people make a small attempt (read: they drew a scar on their forehead with a sharpie for Potter, or carried around an apple for Twilight), but you want that friend that will go all out. It makes for entertaining conversations, becomes a great talking point to meet your fellow Hobbit fans, and just think about all of the Instagram opportunities.
The friend who: has listened to the soundtrack non-stop since its release
Really, this should be everyone you know, because the soundtrack is oh-my-god amazing, and why would you deny the beauty of Howard Shore when the entire thing is online, legally, for free. Seriously though, while many of us may have played the score in the background while we went about marking off the days on our The Hobbit countdown calendar, you want the friend who has essentially taken the time to memorize the entire thing.
This will come in handy while you wait to get into the theatre (“Who thought it was a good idea to get here three hours early?”) – as you’ll basically have a Hobbit jukebox who can sing through the entire score to kill off those hours. Plus you’ll increase your nerd-cred exponentially, because you’ll have someone who can knowledgeably talk about Track 13, or the string section, and explain it to your fellow Hobbit fans.
The friend who: will make the obligatory (usually unfunny, yet now hilarious) jokes
It is the one time of the year when such behaviour isn’t just acceptable, it is encouraged. Most of the time these repetitive Lord of the Rings and Tolkien jokes are just annoying, but walking into the cinema to sit down for The Hobbit, it somehow because necessary to have someone stand up and shout “YOU SHALL NOT PASS” in the aisle to get to your seat, or stand up and accusingly yell at a stranger “ONE DOES NOT SIMPLY leave in the middle of The Hobbit to go to the bathroom.”
It’s all part of the fan experience, and if you don’t know someone unashamedly okay with being completely unoriginal, you’ll have a poorer time for it, we promise. It’s always okay to be totally and unironically passionate about your fandom, but the same jokes do get tired after a while. Still, this has been the only time since the release of Return of the King on DVD that we can make these jokes. That basically makes them vintage, which makes them cool again.
The friend who: actually knows proper things about film
Yes, you will need one of your knowledgeable film friends, one of those cinema buffs who knows how to correctly pronounce “Cannes” and can have an indepth discussion on the process of Oscar voting. We all know one, they’re sometimes a bit of a snob, but also awfully useful. They should also be just as keen to see The Hobbit as you are, given that a few years ago PJ won all the awards, and most people are interested to see how the new technology he is using has worked out.
This is the person you’ll be able to ask all your cinema-y questions afterwards. A huge amount of different film techniques have gone into the making of these films, from the new frames-per-second rate, to the specifically developed cameras and the motion capture. This friend will be up-to-date on all of these areas, ready to field all of your questions once the credits finish rolling, and if you’re in real luck they’ll also have been watching the production vlogs, which have more insider filming details.
DO NOT INVITE:
The friend who: is unable to differentiate between ‘Sherlock’ and everything else
“But surely my Sherlockian friends won’t spend the whole film commenting on the non-existent chemistry between The Necromancer and Bilbo?” you might say. “I’m sure they can shut down their Tumblr app for a few hours?” Nope. We love Sherlock as much as the next ridiculously-obsessed-“WHAT DO THE THREE WORDS MEAN?!”-fan, but you have to be ruthless when it comes to choosing your movie buddies.
No matter how much you love them, any friends who responded to the question “Do you fancy seeing The Hobbit with me?” with “Yes, because I love Sherlock,” or simply “JOHNLOCK” aren’t allowed to go. They should have their own private screening where they can comment on similarities and differences between the TV show and film, or draw sexy fanart, or post on Tumblr.
The friend who: doesn’t pay attention, yet requires an explanation for everything
We have all sat through our favourite films, gritting our teeth while trying to explain to a clueless moviegoer why the necklace made everyone cranky (it’s a Horcrux), or “who’s that girl with the bow and arrows?” (it was Legolas). Eventually it got to the point where you just had to say “Look Mum, I’ll explain it to you later but for now please be quiet,” which inevitable led to a frosty car-ride home (No? Just us?).
The thing is, you don’t want to waste your first time with The Hobbit explaining to your mum, your grandma, or your friend who inexplicably only watched The Two Towers why “that good-looking young man with the long hair” isn’t in it (they mean Aragorn). Go a second time and take your mum, take your extended family, take your clueless friends and explain it to them then. But do not, whatever you do, make the mistake of including one of these newbies into your group for the first time.
‘The Hobbit’ Release Dates:
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey premiered in Wellington on November 28, 2012.
It will be released in New Zealand on December 12, 2012, in the U.K. on December 13, 2012, in America on December 14, 2012 and in Australia on December 26, 2012.
Check IMDB if your country is not listed.