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“How much Blow Can Charlie Sheen Do? Enough to Kill Two and a Half Men.” This dig was delivered by John Lovitz at the Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen on Monday night and it couldn’t have proved to be truer. The much anticipated premiere of season nine fell flat in a two-part episode that really doesn’t have me coming back for more.

The premiere began with the funeral of Sheen’s character as Alan Harper eulogized his brother. The scene where Alan was standing in front of his brother’s old unofficial uniform of a bowling shirt and cargo shorts was about as amusing as the scene got, and it was subsequently followed by many near hits and catastrophic misses. The first of which came in the form of a number of Charlie Harper’s former lovers present for the service – a gimmick I had hoped the writers would use from the moment I heard they would be killing off Charlie Harper. However, the excitement was quickly undercut by the women wanting to spit on the body and rattling off the various diseases they contracted from Charlie.

Now Sheen’s character was always a playboy and had certainly scorned his fair share of women, but he was on good terms with most of the women present at the funeral. In fact, he almost married two of them, and both returned for more after their amicable splits. In a brief moment of sense and relief for the audience, Charlie’s mother Evelyn stood up to defend her son, stating that she loved him no matter what. Finally, a moment of reality! However, this only lasted about ten seconds because, in her next breath, Evelyn used her son’s funeral as a platform to sell his Malibu beach house. Evelyn was always a detached mother who was manipulative and opportunistic, but after eight seasons of Men, I can’t believe she was so detached as to not be visibly upset. In fact, I can’t believe that none of Charlie’s family looked upset. Jake, who had spent eight years of his young life with “Uncle Charlie” and had, on more than one occasion, called him a role model, reacted to the repulsive image of his uncle’s exploding body with hunger while Alan seemed indifferent to the whole experience (he had his moment of redemption later in the episode, but I’ll get to that in a moment).

Then there was Rose. The stalker/neighbor of Charlie who had loved him unconditionally since the show began. Eight years of stalking, scheming, and waiting for Charlie to be hers and we are supposed to believe she….killed…him? Granted, Rose was crazy, but always the harmless, fun kind of crazy – not homicidal. Plus, the reason she claimed she pushed him in front of that train that lead to his untimely death was because she caught him with another woman after he had committed to marry her. But Rose was under the delusion that she and Charlie were in some type of twisted relationship for years before they finally got engaged, so why didn’t she kill him anytime during the previous eight years when he dated literally hundreds of women? Every moment of this opening scene went against what eight years of watching had taught the loyal viewers about Charlie Harper and those close to him. The insults and lack of emotion were clearly digs at Charlie Sheen himself by the obviously still bitter Chuck Lorre, but unfortunately they also successfully insulted the fans who were loyal to the show for almost a decade.

After the funeral, we were treated to our first glimpse of the beach house sans Charlie Harper. We learn that the place was left to Alan but must be sold because there is no possible way he could afford the three mortgages Charlie had on the place. The episode’s only bright spots come during the open house, beginning with the appearance of John Stamos as a prospective buyer. Although his lines may have been a bust, his appearance is funny because he was originally buzzed to be the original replacement for Sheen. Next come Dharma and Greg, another Lorre creation, which was a nice surprise although I guess the viewers were expected to forget that Jenna Elfman played Frankie, a single mother who temporarily moved in with Charlie and Alan, on Two and a Half Men several years ago.

The show’s one emotional moment came when Alan gave a heartfelt monologue to the urn containing Charlie’s ashes, thanking him for his generosity and friendship through all those years. This moment almost convinced me that someone, character or actor, cared that Charlie was gone. I say almost because not two seconds after the speech concluded, Charlie’s ashes ended up accidently tossed onto the floor, in a move I predicted from the moment they arrived. The reason behind this? Walden Schmitt, the new character played by Ashton Kutcher, appeared on the deck, soaking wet and fresh off a suicide attempt. I just wish the attempt had been successful. Kutcher’s performance fell flat and the joke of him being perpetually nude got really old really fast. It’s clear that while Kutcher’s character is intended to be new and inject “fresh energy” into the show, his character is no different than Charlie Harper. Schmitt gets two women without even trying while Alan cries himself to sleep. It’s a joke that had been repeatedly used on Men over its eight year run, but without Charlie it doesn’t seem as funny. Sheen and Jon Cryer had genuine chemistry while the dialogue between Kutcher and Cryer appeared to be forced. In fact, the whole episode seemed forced and none of the actors, with the exception of Kutcher, looked like they wanted to be there. In the end, Kutchers character decided to buy the house and the words “to be continued…” flashed across the screen. I assume that, in part two, Schmitt will invite Alan and Jake to stay in the house with him but frankly; I don’t care enough to tune in and find out.

The show may have begun to struggle in its later years even with Sheen, but on Monday it was just a hollow shell of its former glory. Charlie Sheen may have been roasted over at Comedy Central but it was Two and a Half Men that went down in flames.