Hello! My name is Ashley Bones, a 4th year Hufflepuff at Hogwarts.

My mother Susan went to Hogwarts in the early 1990s. Yep, she was in the same class as Harry Potter.

In the Muggle world today I see everyone sharing their excitement about Harry all the time. He did lots of good things for the Wizarding World, there’s no doubt about it!

But I need everyone to calm down a bit. Harry’s an amazing person, but there are lots of reasons why I’m so glad I’m not attending Hogwarts with The Chosen One.

With a new term at Hogwarts beginning today, and James Sirius Potter joining our school this year, I decided to jump into a little café off Diagon Alley and write a piece explaining why I am THRILLED that Harry isn’t here.

Based on what my mother told me, Harry wasn’t a good person to attend school with. Examples:

The bathroom won’t be out of order due to a troll attack

Hogwarts is not your standard school. I’m in my fourth year and I’m still learning the ins and outs of the castle.

Committing the locations of the bathrooms to memory is of the utmost importance, because you won’t have time in between classes to go searching for them. And for whatever reason, Hogwarts doesn’t put up any “Loo’s this way!” signage.

So that’s why it’s important for all bathrooms to be open all the time. If I’m going to a loo, it needs to be open or else I won’t have time to run to another one before my next class. Harry shut down a bathroom early on in his time at Hogwarts, and students still cringe at the thought of this happening in present day. If I’m about to sit through a long Divination class with Trelawney, I need as few stressors as possible!

Quidditch matches won’t be randomly canceled

I’m proud to tell you that I’m a beater on the Hufflepuff Quidditch team! Getting out into the fresh air and flying around the quidditch stadium with my friends is one of the most exhilarating experiences at school. Mom told me that Harry used to be responsible for several matches getting canceled. If I were there when that happened, I would’ve screamed like a mandrake pulled from its pot too soon. Nothing will ever get in between myself and a game of quidditch!

Exams won’t be canceled

Just kidding about this one! Harry, please come back to school and cause a bunch of trouble… I would love for my exams to be canceled!

Iconic trees won’t be needlessly attacked

The Whomping Willow is a legendary part of the school’s grounds. We don’t need to start the year off on the wrong foot by having a car flown into it! Gimme a break, Harry and Ron. I can’t even imagine how Trelawney would react to such a bad omen. Ugh.

Hogwarts is finally safe

When my mom first told me everything that happened at Hogwarts during Harry’s years I couldn’t believe it. And it was all that kid’s fault!

Troll in the dungeon on the first year? Harry’s fault. The quidditch field getting swarmed by dementors? Harry. Some crazy murderous lunatic taking over the body of an old professor and causing madness at the Triwizard Tournament? Guess who.

Oh, you know just the entire war that happened between Voldemort and the entire rest of the school? Harry. Frigin’. Potter.

Now I can relax knowing that there isn’t some prisoner trying to sneak in and reunite with his godchild. And if I ever get detention (– I won’t, but if I did –) I won’t have to worry about some dumb plan to go into the middle of the Forbidden Forest. Instead, I can look forward to some mind-numbing task like polishing all the trophies in the trophy room.

Parents and the Ministry won’t be so overbearing

This one is related to my point above. No one likes overbearing parents, or “helicopter parents” as student professionals in the Muggle world like to call them. Harry gave Hogwarts a lot of bad attention in his seven years at the school, and my mom told me that her mom was always bothering her to make sure things were okay. “Have there been any attacks by evil spirits, dear?” my grandmother would ask frequently via owl. My mother got fed up with all the check-ins and just started ignoring them. Big mistake! My grandma sent a howler that ridiculed her for ignoring the five previous owls.

And don’t even get me started on the Ministry of Magic. Dolores Umbridge’s reign as Headmaster has gone down in Hogwarts History as one of the worst years at the school. I think I would transfer to another institution before I let someone like Umbridge ever rule over me.

Gryffindor finally isn’t everyone’s favorite

My mom told me when she was in school all anyone would ever talk about would be Gryffindor. Gryffindor this, Gryffindor that. Blah blah blah! It’s like the world was obsessed with whatever house the “Chosen One” was in.

Now that he’s out Gryffindor’s reign over everything “cool” has ended. Finally. There will be less kids at this year’s sorting ceremony hoping to get the same house he was in because people have finally woken up and realized that every other house is just as awesome. Hufflepuff in particular — but I’m biased.

Speaking of bias, without Dumbledore’s ridiculous bias towards Gryffindor we Hufflepuffs actually have a chance of winning the House Cup. My mom told me one year Slytherin had legitimately won and then out of the blue Dumbledore was all, “And now, points to Gryffindor for Harry being super omg awesome.” You know I’m pretty sure there’s some Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff on campus that had to stand up to their best friends too that year. But did they get extra points? No.

It’s a great time to be a student at Hogwarts

I hope you now understand why I wouldn’t want to be at Hogwarts with Harry. I will always hold the Boy Wizard in high regard, but in my opinion he caused too many problems at Hogwarts.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to find James Sirius! I need to warn him about messing with our school’s current tranquility.