One of the unheralded perks of being both the head writer and lead actress on a television show is being able to choose one’s romantic interests. And Tina Fey may have taken better advantage of this privilege than anyone else during 30 Rock’s six+ seasons on air.
Liz Lemon’s collection of love interests is basically a who’s who of awesome dudes in Hollywood playing truly excellent characters. So with 30 Rock’s final season in full swing and Liz Lemon looking closer and closer to settling down, we thought it was time to pay tribute to this impressive stable of Y-chromosones by ranking Liz Lemon’s best lovers…and yes, that word bums us out unless it’s between the words “meat” and “pizza.”
Each hunk was rated on a scale of five in three categories: “Awesomeness of Actor,” “Likability of Character” and “Compatibility with Liz” and ranked by their composite score. Because really, not bringing numbers into this would be a non-objective outrage.
10. Dennis Duffy – Dean Winters
Awesomeness of Actor: 2, Likability of Character: 2, Compatibility with Liz: 2 = 6
Dennis Duffy is by almost any known measure an absolutely awful boyfriend. He is, however, certainly a fun character and Liz may have had more legitimate onscreen smiles with Dennis than any other squeeze. Still, if appearing on To Catch a Predator isn’t a dealbreaker, we don’t know what is.
9. Steven Black – Wayne Brady
Awesomeness of Actor: 3, Likability of Character: 3, Compatibility with Liz: 1 = 7
Steven Black and Liz have absolutely nothing in common. It’s a testament to Dennis’ general awfulness that Steven doesn’t get the bottom spot. If accidentally shooting someone is symbolic of repressed romantic feelings though, then maybe Liz and Steven still have a shot. Oh, it isn’t? Moving on.
8. James Franco & Kimiko
Awesomeness of Actor: 4, Likability of Character: 3, Compatibility with Liz: 2 = 9
James Franco and his charming, um, “pillow friend?” may end up being the only one-night-stand Liz has during the show’s run. If you’re only going to do something once, it might as well be with James Franco and an anthropomorphized pillow.
7. Stewart LaGrange – Peter Dinklage
Awesomeness of Actor: 5, Likability of Character: 3, Compatibility with Liz: 1 = 9
It’s a testament to how awesome Peter Dinklage is that Stewart even charts on this list. He and Liz’s courtship was a little wacky at best, and disturbingly Freudian at worst.
6. Wesley Snipes – Michael Sheen
Awesomeness of Actor: 4, Likability of Character: 4, Compatibility with Liz: 1 = 9
Wesley Snipes may have been an even worse match than Steven Black for Liz, but man were their interactions hilarious. And for a show that seemed to inch toward the notion that romantic love doesn’t exist for awhile there, the deceptively-named Wesley Snipes and Liz may have had a good stalemate of a relationship going.
5. Dr. Drew Baird – Jon Hamm
Awesomeness of Actor: 5, Likability of Character: 3, Compatibility with Liz: 2 = 10
Come on, guys. He’s Jon Hamm. Like, seriously. He’s Jon Hamm. Bubble or no – he’s not falling out of the top five.
4. Warren “Grizz” Griswold – Grizz Chapman
Awesomeness of Actor: 3, Likability of Character: 5, Compatibility with Liz: 2 = 10
This has been one of the most unsung and subtle romances of the whole series. Sure, Liz’s penchant to get handsy with Grizz whilst intoxicated is largely played for laughs, but they actually do appear to be quite sweet on each other. Grizz is the only one at TGS who calls Liz “Beth,” which must have meant he was preparing for a relationship and knew “Grizz and Liz” would sound too corny. Sadly, Grizz had to go and ruin everything by getting married.
3. Floyd DeBarber – Jason Sudeikis
Awesomeness of Actor: 3, Likability of Character: 4, Compatibility with Liz: 4 = 11
Floyd and Liz could have potentially been built to last if they met at a different moment in each other’s lives where Floyd wasn’t getting drunk off salmon and Liz wasn’t hesitant to leave the Big Apple for Cleveland. It just goes to show how much timing and circumstance can interfere with true love. Brb. Need to cry.
2. Carol Burnett – Matt Damon
Awesomeness of Actor: 4, Likability of Character: 4, Compatibility with Liz: 3, = 11
It’s still kind of amazing in hindsight just how long Tina Fey and company were able to stretch the relationship of Liz and Carol, not only because of their “double-edged” sword, but because of Matt Damon’s likely limited availability (he is the biggest movie star on the list, for sure). But Carol and Liz’s relationship worked very well in a very Liz-ian kind of way. Of course, it’s the explosive way it ended that truly catapults this to a classic 30 Rock romance. Matt Damon pointing a gun at his onscreen girlfriend and yelling “I will WASTE you” over a disagreement about airplane regulations is one of the show’s finest hours.
1. Criss Chros – James Marsden
Awesomeness of Actor: 4, Likability of Character: 5, Compatibility with Liz: 4 = 13
Oh Criss, sweet Criss. It does look like the show is slowly creating a version of Liz who is capable of settling down and finding happiness. Thankfully, Tina Fey and co. have found the perfect actor to play the perfectly crafted character for just such a purpose. Criss has all of the idiotic charm of Dennis with none of the malice, the casual handsomeness of Dr. Drew Baird with none of the social ignorance and the easy-going “dudeness” of Floyd with none of the alcoholism. He’s just a winner and completely worthy of our dear Liz’s heart.