Dear Kim Jong-Un,

We were impressed by your ability to force Sony to cancel the release of The Interview. So can you help us with what we want from Hollywood?

If you’d like Americans to admire you (we’re putting aside the horrible things you do in North Korea for a moment), all you have to do is demand the following things using new and still-not-credible threats:

1) Demand no more Frozen: Please demand that Disney no longer create Frozen-themed rides, films, merchandise, etc.

We just saw this while shopping at Bed Bath & Beyond today. Yeah, those are hats with Anna and Elsa pony tails attached. Can you believe it’s come to this?

2) Demand a Friends reunion: No more simple actor reunions on late-night talk shows. We want the real thing. We want it to go down in the coffee shop. We want smelly cats. We want it broadcast live on NBC just like Peter Pan Live! (which, by the way, we heard you loved). Give us the Friends reunion we’re dying for!

3) Demand more episodes of Serial, and stat: Please write to NPR and demand that the new season of Serial arrive in January… not any later in the year.

4) Demand that the name of the new Terminator movie be changed: Terminator: Genisys? Really? This cannot stand.

5) Demand Marvel create a Black Widow movie: Didn’t you love her in The Avengers? Doesn’t she deserve her own spotlight? You can make it happen!

6) Demand Sony hand Spider-Man over to Marvel: You already got us halfway there by revealing the e-mails between the two studios, now bring us home! Tell Sony that Spider-Man has to go to the studio that can handle him best.

7) Demand Space Jam 2 starring Dennis Rodman: You love that guy, don’t you? We’re not in love with him as much as you are, but we’ll take a new Space Jam movie with any basketball star. We’re just dying to see the Looney Tunes interact with humans again.

8) Demand a real N’Sync reunion: We weren’t happy with that half-ass reunion at the MTV Music Awards last year, and we’re sure you weren’t either. Give us a reunion, a reunion tour, a reunion album… the whole nine yards. If the Backstreet Boys can do it, so can N’Sync.

9) Demand an eighth Harry Potter book: Okay, this one doesn’t really involve the United States, and we think J.K. Rowling would ignore you, but it’s worth a shot anyway, right? If it doesn’t work, at least threaten to bring down Pottermore unless she publishes the long-awaited Harry Potter Encyclopedia.

What do you want Kim Jong-Un to take care of next?

North Korea/Hollywood sign image credit: Steven Schuster