There has been much hype (no pun-intended) lately surrounding the reported changes being made to the Star Wars blu-ray’s by George Lucas. Which made us wonder: what other changes could be made to mess with the beloved series even more?

#5: Jabba Goes Jenny Craig

Weighing several tonnes is so 1983! Why not upgrade the psychology of Star Wars into the 21st Century. Everybody’s losing weight these days, Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, Jared, Turtle from ‘Entourage’, it seems only fitting that a powerful crime boss would have the means to do that same, at least afford a personal trainer or some lypo. Plus: a slimmer, more agile Jabba the Hutt makes for a more dangerous villain – I mean, how menacing are you when you can’t even move?

#4: The Jonas Brothers: Cantina Band

Okay, seriously. Who listens to Jazz in the 21st Century? Well I do, but I’m that’s definitely in the minority! Besides, George Lucas has yet to conquer one major target audience: young females. What better way to change this? Lose the creepy aliens, hire the Jonas Brothers! Just imagine ‘SOS’ blasting around the Cantina. I think both teenage girls and Greedo would enjoy that. Maybe they could just cover Rebeca Black’s ‘Friday’ and really go all out.

#4: James Earl Jones Voices the Whole Cast

There are some voices that are destined for the screen. Morgan Freeman, the Old Spice guy, and that homeless golden-voice man come to mind. But one voice that has the potential to top them all? James Earl Jones. Jones’ Darth Vader is a voice for the ages, but Vader only appears in 12 minutes of ‘A New Hope,’ far too small an amount of time. Why not hire James Earl Jones to get in the voiceover booth and do every character? His vocal range is so powerful that I could see him completely changing Star Wars. Imagine him doing not just Darth Vader, but Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Obi Wan..Heck, even Yoda or R2D2? I would totally pay to see that!

#2: Star Wars Product Placement

If only this great invention existed in 1977. Michael Bay seems to love it, and he’s the greatest visionary of our time! (sob) But seriously, just because Lucas hasn’t already made billions on fuzzy little Ewoks and Boba Fett action figures (okay, those are kinda cool), why not jump on the Product Placement bandwagon. Because it’s George Lucas, better go all out! I’m thinking the iDeathStar, or maybe the Millenium Falcon is actually a Toyota? Heck you could promote yourself! Slip in a poster for the animated series onto the wall of Echo Base. The possibilities are as endless as the Star Wars product train!

#1: Justin Bieber is Luke Skywalker

Okay. The Jonas Brothers have gotten all those pre-teen’s attention. But can a cameo performance really keep them? No! That’s what Youtube is for. Why not put Justin Bieber in the starring role? Let’s face it. Mark Hammill hasn’t exactly had a storied career. The Star Wars films need to life, and what better way to accompany a bad-ass lightsaber duel then with one of Bieber’s signature hair-flips?

Dear George Lucas, forget 30 + years of loyal fans, if you’re going to make ridiculously stupid changes to the films anyway, at least have fun with them and stop acting like by changing them you’re making some profound and meaningful statement to change cinema forever. New millennium, new rules!