The likable Tom Hardy and Chris Pine star in the terribly unentertaining This Means War, as partners in the CIA who use all means means necessary in an attempt to win the heart of the same woman, played by Reese Witherspoon. With sloppy direction from McG, and a horribly structured and written screenplay by Timothy Dowling and Simon Kinberg, This Means War fails as both comedy and a spy-action caper, completely ruining any positives the film has to offer.

The movie opens with FDR (Chris Pine) and Tuck (Tom Hardy) on assignment in Hong Kong, and as a cold-open action sequence goes, McG manages to craft one of the most confusing, unexciting and down-right worst edited sequences in recent memory. This opening sets the tone for the rest of the film, which ultimately fails not only in its execution but in the very structure on which it stands.

FDR and Tuck effectively botch the mission and are taken out of the field by their boss Collins, played by the woefully underused Angela Bassett, and prompt the evil
Heinrich (Til Schweiger) to seek revenge in the process. Stuck in Los Angeles, Tuck decides to start dating as a recent divorcee, and with help of the bachelor FDR, starts an account with an online dating site, where he meets Lauren (Reese Witherspoon). So Tuck and Lauren meet and instantly have a connection, which the film doesn’t really bother to show us through any convincing storytelling device, but rather tell us that we should feel and think by buying into their chemistry and superficial interest in one another.

Coincidentally, shortly after Tuck and Lauren’s first date, FDR bumps into Lauren at a ridiculously over-the-top movie store, where they begin to flirt over the art of Alfred Hitchcock. Yes, every bit of dialogue in the film is forced and stretched. Now Lauren has both Tuck and FDR pining for her affection, and as Lauren’s completely stupid and shallow friend Trish (Chelsea Handler) suggests, she decides to lead both of them on until she can decide which one to choose. Now FDR and Tuck begin a rivalry, as they use any mean’s possible (including sacrificing their friendship) to win.

Put simply, This Means War is one of the most poorly executed films from the top-down in recent memory. With a screenplay that completely lacks any character development, but instead relies on our ideas on these characters — and the actors playing them — as a driving force behind every scene within the film. While this is a cheap and uninventive narrative device, it would have been excused if the film were able to provide decent action and dialogue, but unfortunately it fails on these accounts as well.

Rarely have I seen a film set out to work in three different genres, in this case action, comedy, and romance, and yet fail so spectacularly on all accounts. McG, who has previously displayed at the very least a sleek visual style in such films as Charlie’s Angels and Terminator: Salvation, directs the action here in a completely sloppy manner, where the film not only fails at displaying a single coherent action sequence, but has to rely on characters and exposition to help the audience catch up on what has actually occurred. The comedy, meanwhile, is thrust largely onto Chelsea Handler’s character, Trish, who is not only terribly unfunny, but is such an annoying character that by extension all of Lauren’s decisions are put into question as well.

No amount of chemistry between Tom Hardy and Chris Pine can salvage a dreadful script, convoluted direction, and terrible production value that will ultimately send This Means War into the annals as one of the most sloppily produced major studio production in recent memory.

Grade: D

Rated: PG-13 (for sexual content including references, some violence and action, and for language.)

This Means War opens nationwide February 17th.