Editor’s Note: Originally published in April, Hypable is re-posting the Battleship review to coincide with the release in the United States.

When Bennett Schneir (managing director of toymaker Hasbro’s motion picture division) pitched Battleship to Universal, he described the toy on which it is based as “a game of wit, intuition, logic and smarts” featuring a blind reveal that leads to fatal violence. The latest blockbuster from the studio behind Transformers certainly has plenty of violence, but does it have any of the logic, smart or wit of the original board game?

Lieutenant Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch, John Carter) is the recently appointed Tactical Actions Officer on board naval destroyer USS John Paul Jones, heading up a crew including his younger brother Stone (Alexander Skarsgård, True Blood) and Cora Raikes (Rihanna in her acting debut). However, life isn’t all sailing-the-seven-seas and blowing things up for the Lieutenant – Vice Admiral Shane also happens to be the father of his girlfriend, and Hopper is terrified of asking his superior for his daughter’s hand in marriage. In response to a NASA communication signal beamed out to an alien planet seven years previous, five extra-terrestrial battleships arrive ready to wreak havoc on earth. With the prospect of being dismissed from the Navy and a score to settle with the unwanted visitors, Alex is determined to get revenge in an all out battle at sea.

You know the rest – the remaining two hours become an effects-laden event movie with lots of banging, crashing and shouting. Clearly modelled after the Transformers series, Battleship is full of action, explosions and general assaults on the eyes and ears of anyone watching. Save for the excruciatingly long focus on naval destroyers taking their sweet time to turn around, the film barely holds a shot for more than three seconds. Unashamedly following the philosophy of Michael Bay, Battleship is a loud blockbuster that seems to have a fetish for oversized but ineffective weaponry.

That’s not to say the film is without any redeeming features. The acting throughout is believable and at times even impressive. Kitsch is a decent enough lead, with adequate personality and charisma to carry the dead-horse (sorry, film). Alexander Skarsgård and Liam Neeson both impress, and although their roles are nothing ground-breaking or game changing, they hold their own and certainly don’t disappoint. However, the film’s main surprise is Rihanna. Despite everything one might expect, she is notably impressive and convincing as the “Boom”-tastic Raikes. It’s a shame her character is so underused, as she gives a refreshing star-turn. Peter Berg occasionally hints at what he is capable of with an impressive opening sequence –a clever and entertaining convenience store raid for a burrito–, and a scene in which Hooper plays Battleships with real destroyers can only be described as genius. They are exceptions to the general tone and quality of the movie, though. You can’t help but feel that Berg was aware of how bad Battleship is, and decided to spend the whole film taking the piss out of the ridiculous concept.

By far the worst part of this lackluster blockbuster is the script. You can just imagine screenwriters Jon and Erich Hoeber simply scrawling over-the-top and over-zealous onomatopoeia on a piece of paper in crayons before calling it a night. When the characters do use actual words and don’t just make explosion associated sounds, their dialogue is clunky and faintly ridiculous. Every single one-liner you have ever heard of and more are shouted triumphantly as an alien is blown to smithereens – we even get “You sunk my Battleship!” The plot is predictable and incredulous, and despite the gun-worshipping action sequences featuring plenty of noise and explosions, there is no sense of threat whatsoever.

Battleship is a film littered with soulless story-telling, bad editing and mindless explosions. Despite the decent effort from its actors, and a sometimes impressive director, it is nothing more than a forgettable albeit deafening assault on the senses.

Stay at home and play the original board game, you will have a more exciting and rewarding experience then this expensive drivel could ever offer.

Grade: D+

Rated: PG-13 (for intense violence, action, destruction, and language.)

Battleship opens nationwide on May 18, 2012.