Happy Birthday, America! Approximately 237 years ago, a bunch of white-haired men decided to stop being “yuppies” and start getting angry.
So after two plus centuries of political freedom and obsessive commercialism, it’s time to burst out the barbeques and celebrate with fire in the sky!
Here are seven patriotic themes and ideas for how you can pull off your own successful 4th of July marathon party:
‘NCIS’
Leroy Jethro Gibbs is America. At least the version of America we want the world to believe we are. Badass and cool under pressure, he’s loyal to his comrades and deadly to his enemies.
Celebrate this 4th of July by re-watching all of the classics and don’t forget to tear up when Ziva takes her citizenship test. NCIS is perfect for this most patriotic of holidays because in addition to the emotionally manipulative Navy and Marine stories, excessive blood and comfortingly predictable plotlines are what Americans love best.
Mood Music:
‘The Viper’ by Paul Lenart & Billy Novick
Party Snacks:
Caf-Pow, coffee, and bourbon.
Party Favors:
Twirling lace umbrellas in case you have to venture out into the daylight to barbeque and/or spot some fireworks.
‘Arrested Development’
There is absolutely nothing more American than the Bluth family: greed, wastefulness, and self-absorbed narcissism… but most of all, unabashed and often misdirected LOVE.
The Bluth’s are a story of capitalism gone bad, in all the best ways.
Mood Music:
‘The Final Countdown’ by Europe
Party Snacks:
Frozen bananas, cornballs, and vodka martinis.
Party Favors:
Magic wands to do some magic tricks illusions.
‘The Mighty Ducks’ trilogy
Even though it’s about hockey, (which Barney Stinson would argue belongs to Canada), The Mighty Ducks trilogy is a true blue American tale because it’s a story about the underdog. Americans love underdogs because despite having been a major world power for one hundred plus years, we still have it somewhere in our colonial mindset that we’re just a bunch of scrappy foot soldiers with pickaxes defending our turf.
The second Mighty Ducks film does away with all of the subtext and literally makes it “US against The World.” Who knew Iceland could seem so threatening? But in the end, the Mighty Ducks, like America, prevail again as World Champions — back-to-back World War champions to be exact.
Mood Music:
‘We are the Champions’ by Queen
Party Snacks:
Lots and lots of cake for all of the cake-eaters.
Party favors:
Hockey pucks and referee whistles.
‘Firefly’
Speaking of scrappy underdogs…the Browncoats are their own futuristic Patriots fighting for Independence against The Man. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out so well for them as it did in 1776. They should have had George Washington leading them through the trenches.
The theme song still gets us every time, though: “I don’t care, I’m still free. You can’t take the sky from me.” Just like a hot-blooded American cowboy to be stubborn in the face of defeat, but in the end, Captain Mal creates his own delightful melting pot aboard Serenity.
Mood Music:
‘The Ballad of Serenity’ by Sonny Rhodes
Party Snacks:
Strawberries, fortune cookies, and a hefty supply of Mudder’s Milk.
Party favors:
Knitted caps.
The ‘Superman’ films
An undocumented immigrant comes to America and builds himself up while continuously remaining anonymous about his work? Classic American story. Also there’s football, and dogs, and sassy, nosy reporters with great hair.
At the end of the day, all this guy’s fighting for is his own idealized, and probably misinterpreted notion of “the American way.”
Mood Music:
‘Superman es ilegal’ by Los Hermanos Ortiz
Party Snacks:
Nothing. Superman doesn’t need to eat. He’s Superman.
Party Favors:
Hipster glasses and magic green rocks.
‘Duck Dynasty’
Is there anything more American than Duck Dynasty? It’s the fruits of commercialism at its best.
The Robertson Family bring together the core American values of faith, family, and food in such a delightfully authentic and entertaining way that leaves us feeling so happy, happy, happy. And it’s pretty refreshingly American to see that some of the richest people in the country still insist on driving rusted old pickup trucks and catching their own food. Also: beards and bandanas.
Mood Music:
‘Wagon Wheel’ by Darius Rucker
Party Snacks:
BBQ duck, squirrel brains, and sweet tea.
Party favors:
Duck whistles and Star Spangled Banner bandanas.
‘John Adams’ Miniseries
Okay, this one isn’t a joke. This miniseries will legitimately make you feel proud to be an American.
A lot of blood, sweat, and tears had to go down for our country to go from several jumbled up colonies to one massive (semi)unified nation, and the idealism our Declaration of Independence is based on is truly beautiful and inspiring. The foundations of our country still stand because a group of guys believed in this elusive concept of “freedom,” and they tried to give it to us in the best way they could.
So pop in the DVD, sit back, relax, and remember why despite our many flaws, we’re still proud to be a part of the USA.
Mood Music:
Whitney Housten’s rendition of ‘The Star Spangled Banner’
Party Snacks:
Hot dogs, apple pie, and Boston tea.
Party Favors:
George Washigton tricorn newspaper hats.