Last night’s episode of Glee was a great one, with three strong sub-plots, a well-used guest star, and barely any Will Schuester. Read on for a full recap below.

First things first: in this episode, Quinn literally does not exist.

A season 1-worthy Rachel voice-over opens this week’s episode, as our girl discusses her impending NYADA audition while we watch a montage of her preparations. I’m mostly questioning the structural integrity of her dress, but I love Finn’s supportive boyfriend routine, and the visions Rachel has of random people representing obstacles in her path is Glee at its wtf-iest. The whole scene is both utterly cracked out, over-dramatic, absurdist humour – typical Rachel – and slightly wrenching when Rachel talks to her reflection, facades dropped away, and we see how serious and how desperate she is.

I really didn’t like having to hear the 29-year-old Mark Salling say “I called dibs on all the chicks whose boobs aren’t done growing yet.” Unfortunately this was a part of the conversation he has with Finn, where he’d been overheard telling one of these young ladies that he may not graduate. Puck blows Finn off, claiming that he’d said that for sympathy, and that he would be fine as long as he passed a certain geography test. His plan for passing the class is, naturally, to seduce the teacher, which Finn, paragon of intelligence that he is, appears to approve of.

Brittany tells the girls – Tina, Sugar, Mercedes and Santana – that she has discovered – in her first Student Council meeting as Senior Class President… in May… I can feel my friend Senior Class President John Thrasher cringing… that there will, shock to all, be a prom again this year, and discusses ideas for a theme. She says something terrible about an alien abduction theme with probing booths, which throws us right back to that awkward scene in “The First Time” which lead half the fandom to believe Brittany had been raped. Meanwhile, Coach Shannon Beiste walks by with a black eye, and Santana makes a quip about the coach’s husband Cooter doing a ‘Chris Brown’ on her, which the rest of the girls seem to find hilarious. Coach Roz overhears and is horrified, calling the girls out, but Santana dismisses their actions, saying they obviously did not really think Shannon had been hit by anyone. Roz takes their names and takes the problem to Coach Sue, who, amidst mutual burning, agrees with Roz that the girls need to be taught a lesson. Will, because he’s the worst teacher in the school, cannot believe his kids would do such a heinous thing, but the women assure him it’s true. Not to worry, though, Sue assures him, because “John Goodman;” – Shannon, “Black Sue;” – Roz, and “Original Recipe Sue” are going to take care of it.

On a stage full of candelabras, Kurt is rehearsing his audition piece for NYADA – “Music of the Night,” from Phantom of the Opera, in full Phantom costume with a dead-behind-the-eyes Tina playing Christine. An entranced Blaine applauds, because, well, I think by this point we’ve established that Blaine is kind of an idiot. But Kurt isn’t happy with it, feels it’s predictable and boring. Tina agrees and wanders off, and in a moment that legitimately shocked me, Kurt remembered to thank her for helping. Kurt throws around some ‘fresh’ ideas, such as doing his audition in German or in the nude. “Or maybe I just need more candles,” he muses. Blaine, in a completely beautiful moment which makes me take back my prior sentence, responds immediately and quietly with, “Oh, God no. No more candles.” I just can’t with this show sometimes. I’m still mopping up my inner-ear blood from the Klaine performance of “Candles” over a year ago, and it seems like the show is well aware of what a grievous mistake that number was. Another take on that line was that it felt like Blaine was letting out his true, not particularly positive feelings about Kurt’s performance and set-up, which just makes me get upset about how desperate for approval and craving of love Blaine is, that he, especially after last week, cannot be honest, but anyway, moving on…

Puck tries to hit on his geography teacher in exchange for a passing grade, but the lady isn’t having any of it. She sends him on his way, telling him that he isn’t stupid, just lazy, and Puck storms off, deciding to drop out, and runs around the school performing “School’s Out.” It actually sounds pretty good, right in Salling’s wheelhouse – pity most Glee viewers don’t know who Alice Cooper is and the last shot of both Puck and Cheerios in full Alice Cooper eye make-up is lost on them. The scene cuts back to reality – the choir room – where Puck finishes the number, looks lost and walks out.

Speaking of the choir room, Coach Sue’s assessment of it – “this room is America’s number one destination for cheap, sappy moralizing” is just gorgeous. Regardless, she, Roz and Shannon are there to talk to the girls about their display of insensitivity regarding violence towards women. Sue makes sure the girls know that despite her abrasiveness towards them, she does not think they actually deserve to ever be hit. The girls defend themselves, saying that they do understand and that they know it isn’t okay, and that none of them would ever be at risk of the situation occurring. Roz explains that it isn’t as simple as they think, that violence at home can happen between people who were expected and known to be good and kind. Sue points out that the American songbook is full of songs making light of men hitting women, and, since she thinks the only way that these kids ever learn anything is through singing, she assigns the girls the task of singing songs of empowerment and strength for women in these situations.

Please stop with the gratuitous Blaine boxing shots before it ruins Darren Criss’ sensitive artist hands. Anyway, holy Christ on a bike, the interaction between him and Mike Chang about advice on hair gel is glorious. It’s so absurd and serious, moments like that are what makes Glee so infectiously good even when I hate it – and this episode is about to become chock-full of these moments with the group of boys. I literally wish that I could write out a transcript of this whole scene, from Finn calling attention to something missing and the boys think he’s referring to weight loss, congratulating him, but basically the issue is that Puck is totally incommunicado. “I’m going into full-blown prayer mode,” Joe proclaims gravely when it’s pointed out that Puck isn’t even logging in to Call of Duty any more. This has been, like, two days, at most, but whatever, it’s nice that they care. Finn spurs the guys into action about finding Puck and helping him pass the test, because if they don’t all graduate together (I mean, asides from non-seniors Rory… Blaine… Joe… Artie.. and possibly Sam…) then there’s not even any point. I’m not sure how Blaine became one of the dudes so completely, except that either a) he felt the need for the camaraderie of a group of guys to replace his Warblers or b) Glee writers are trying to make a point about gender roles in his relationship with Kurt, which isn’t really working out that well for them, given that – if we must use such rigid ideas – Kurt is definitely the dominant one in that relationship.

Kurt himself is approached in the hall by a manic Rachel, who is only coming off vocal rest because it is one of their deemed emergency situations. Firstly, this scene is amazing because the pair are so, so not competitive any more. They’re so incredibly supportive of one another and they’re really in this together, and that fact almost makes me cry. Anyway, their three emergency situations – if William and Kate got pregnant, if Liza Minelli passed – “Tell me Liza’s okay,” Kurt trembles – or if one of them was in grave danger. Turns out it’s the third – Rachel has heard that Kurt is planning on changing his audition song to “Not the Boy Next Door” from The Boy From Oz. Despite Kurt’s argument that it won Hugh Jackman a Tony, Rachel tells him that it is too controversial, and that she thinks he is trying to give himself an out – if he fails he’ll have something to blame. He considers this viewpoint and starts to worry as well. Rachel talks him back into the Phantom number, saying that she believes in it so much that she will play Christine for him, instead of Tina. Upon hearing this, Kurt is convinced and commits to the original song choice. I just really adored them in this scene. A while ago, you could have not heard this conversation without suspecting that one or the other had an ulterior motive and that the concern came from a selfish or threatened place, but that is not what this relationship is at all any more. They’re so legit.

It looks like the other girls have completely and utterly missed the point of the lesson the coaches were trying to teach them, because they have chosen “Cell Block Tango” from Chicago as their ’empowering battered women’ song. I’m not even going to touch on the fact we have four high-school girls rolling around in bondage lingerie, on-stage, at school, in front of teachers and male students. The performance is wonderful, to give credit where credit is due, but I was sitting there asking myself, “uh… is this what Glee thinks is a good example of what they were saying before?” when thankfully, Sue interrupts my thought process to say the same thing – that the girls had entirely missed the mark on this one. Roz is more succinct: “You girls are cray-cray.” Inter-cut with the song, we see scenes of Shannon’s home life with Cooter, and his flying into a rage. She leaves the room, too upset to watch and face up to the truth of her situation. The other women find her and ask why she left, and Shannon admits that it was her husband who gave her the black eye. Roz and Sue get the story out of her and encourage her to leave, but Shannon says she can’t, because she fears no one else will ever love her. Eventually she agrees to come stay the night at Sue’s place.

Puck, planning to head out West immediately, is cleaning his last pool in Lima. Due to his weird sense of integrity, he turns down the offer of a quickie from one of his cougar clients because he wants his last job to be clean and above-board. When the lady leaves him to his work, he’s approached by someone much less desirable – his long-lost father.

Back at school, the gang of bros is going over their plan to basically kidnap Puck, teach him geography and get him to graduate. Finn, the commander in chief, rehashes the plan with an amazing whiteboard diagram. Again, I wish I could just type the transcript because every line is solid gold. I don’t know how the guys filmed it without wasting 347 takes due to someone cracking up in laughter. Again, the sincerity and absurdity is flawless. “Is that a bear I’m hiding behind?” “It’s a bush.” “It looks like a bear.” “Maybe it’s a shrub…” on and on until the plan becomes useless due to the fact that Puck returns to the group of his own accord. The thing about this scene that kills me is its accuracy. It’s complete nonsense, but it’s the kind of conversation that this group of numbskulls would actually have in real life if they tried to make a plan like this. Perfect. But with Puck’s arrival, the mood instantly turns dark as he recounts seeing his father for the first time in five years, having beer pressured onto him, and dealing with the fact that his dad is there to beg money off of him. Puck, not knowing what else to do, gave him the money in the hopes that it meant he would never see the man again. He is deeply shamed and horrified by the situation and imagines himself doing the same thing to Beth one day. His dad dropped out of high school as well, and that fact drives Puck to want to graduate, and he humbly asks the guys to help him pass the geography test.

Kurt and Rachel are preparing to go on-stage for their NYADA auditions, and Rachel reveals that she has found out the judge’s name – Carmen Tibideaux. This means something to the pair – she’s a renowned Broadway and opera star with a reputation for being impatient and a perfectionist, and now, as the new Dean of Voice at NYADA, she’s judging the auditions in order to hand-pick her inaugural class. Kurt is working himself up into a state when his name is called. He announces his song, still reeling, and Carmen, played by Whoopi Goldberg, lets out a small, bored sigh. This inspires Kurt – who’d clearly still been in two minds, to have this prepared as a back-up plan – to start discussing the ideas of a safe choice and change his mind on the spot about his audition. He tears off his Phantom costume to reveal his Peter Allen costume underneath. With every word, as he talks about changing his mind, he gains strength, and then performs “Not the Boy Next Door” from The Boy From Oz.

Look. A lot of people think this was really awesome, and I guess, if I try really hard to be objective, it was good enough. To me, it’s not Kurt’s strongest vocal performance, it didn’t show off everything he could do, and the choreography seemed forced. But the real clincher for me is that he just could never play Peter Allen. To be perfectly honest, I’m still not sold on Hugh Jackman as Peter Allen. I’m Australian, alright, and yes, so’s Hugh, but I saw the original run of The Boy From Oz – in 1998, before it went to Broadway, with Todd McKenney. Peter Allen’s song “Tenterfield Saddler” is one of my favorite songs of all time, I have sung Peter Allen’s songs with my choir in school in the Sydney Opera House, and I am not all that patriotic but “I Still Call Australia Home” does have the power to bring me to tears on certain occasions. Kurt Hummel will never, ever, ever play a convincing Peter Allen. The song would have gone better, for me, if he had simply chosen to perform it, as opposed to trying to perform it as a character. The same thing could be said for Phantom – he sounded beautiful at the start of the episode, just beautiful, but the staging was ridiculous. If he had just stood there and sung “Music of the Night” as a ballad, not as the Phantom, it would have been stunning.

Whatever. I totally get that Kurt identifies with the song and all, and so does Carmen, who praises his performance and his risk-taking. Blaine, Rachel and Will – who’d been watching – are all thrilled for Kurt, but Rachel then looks rather shaken and nervous. She prepares to take the stage herself, and Finn brings her flowers. They hug, and Rachel’s nerves abate as her name is called. She goes on and announces her song – her signature song, “Don’t Rain On My Parade” – and she starts strong, but repeats a line and stops herself, shocked. She is allowed to start again, but she loses the beat and stops even sooner this time. Rachel, almost lost for words, apologises and asks to start over one more time, but Carmen refuses, saying that a candidate gets eight bars of time to mess up and start over and she had already given Rachel 16. She states the realism of the situation – if you forget the words on Broadway, your understudy gets your job. She declares the audition to be over, and Rachel’s keening, weeping and begging, while trying to maintain some control, and the look on her boys’ faces, is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to watch on Glee, maybe tied with the Kurt/Karofsky kiss. The stage lights symbolically go out on her.

Later, the gang of bros is trying to help Puck study – apparently they’re allowed to stay in the school, in the choir room, until 3am for this purpose. Finn’s doing his best to support Puck but his mind is clearly on Rachel, who has asked to be alone while her dads ‘sit Shiva.’ For those who don’t know, this is a Jewish funeral practice, so I guess they’re mourning her career or something. Again, the writing and acting in this group scene is flawless and realistic, where has this stuff BEEN all season? Anyway, everyone is tired and frustrated but giving it the old college try, and then the scene turns into a hair-metal version of “The Rain in Spain” from My Fair Lady. That sure was a thing. The jury is still out on whether it was a good thing or not, but it sure was a thing. But I find it really hard to believe that these characters haven’t formed a band – an actual garage band – in the last three years, and I could go for a gender-swapped modern adaptation of My Fair Lady where Puck played Eliza. That is a thing I could probably go for. Regardless of whether this was, at the end of the day, a good thing or not, the scene is the most bromantic ever, and that’s definitely a current strength of Glee‘s. “Moving on – what rhymes with pre-Industrial European deforestation?”

The next day, Sue finds Shannon and expresses her concern that Shannon had not showed up at Sue’s house as planned. Shannon apologises for not calling Sue but assures her that she has actually moved in with her sister. When Sue tells the other coach that she admires her and knows the situation must be difficult, Shannon replies “not as difficult as what I’m about to do” and goes to tell the girls the truth about her situation with Cooter. Once again I’m really not sure that this is appropriate for a teacher and students, but the conversation is sincere and touching, and although it is a bit preachy, in the sense that it clearly is written for people to hear and relate to and learn from, it isn’t as hit-over-the-head-with-a-brick as Glee sometimes is when tackling Very Special Issues.

Puck’s cramming session has helped a little in his exam – aside from drawing a dinosaur playing guitar, he gets a few answers (along with some hysterical inner monologue) and feels like he might have passed. The other boys hover outside the door of the exam room to see how he did, and he thanks them for their help. It’s a nice scene, but a) when he said “it’s hard growing up without a dad,” I literally said out aloud “oh, so they’re all his dad now?” and then he went on to actually say this, and b) he said “you guys showed me what it means to be a man… even you, Blaine.” To Blaine’s credit, he said “thanks” with a ‘not really cool, dude’ look on his face, but… come on. I know Puck is Puck, but he’s had possibly the most development of any character in the show and I find it hard to believe he would still be making – albeit harmless — homophobic quips. But I guess the guys accept that everyone just has that one friend who does that kind of stuff. Hmm.

The girls apologise to Coach Beiste and offer her support by singing a beautiful arrangement of Florence and the Machine’s “Shake It Out.” This is intercut with scenes of a troubled Shannon reconciling with her husband and giving him another chance. I am not sure what positive message this sends, but it’s one thing – realistic. Not everyone who ever is involved in domestic violence completely calls it quits forever, sometimes there is regret and reconciliation. Sometimes it’s much worse, and it goes on and on. But Glee chooses to face the reality that sometimes, when these things happen, people move past it. Is this a good thing? I really don’t know. Shannon’s prior statement about not being able to leave because no one else will love her is worrying, when tied to this. I wonder if this is the end of this story. Probably. It’s Glee.

Kurt meets Rachel at her locker and it’s fairly devastating. He’s holding back tears while talking to her, despite his own success. He gives her so much love and encouragement, saying that he thinks she’ll get in even based on her beautiful voice in the first 8 bars. She stems his positivity, saying flat-out that she choked and that her chance is over, with no one to blame but herself. She praises his audition, and says he and Finn will be great in New York together. Okay, Miss, I really do not think Finn will be going off to New York to be an actor without you, and Kurt thinks this is ridiculous as well, saying that even if NYADA doesn’t work out, she will be there with them. Rachel can’t bear to talk about it any more though, and she stops herself from crying, saying she hasn’t slept in two days. He accepts this and hugs her, saying “I love you, Rachel Berry,” and she says she loves him too. It’s probably the most sincere and heartfelt exchange of those words in the history of the show and this is when I properly start crying. I truly love this friendship and all it has grown to be, I love who they are with each other, they bring out the best in one another and they have gone through the fire together and against each other and come out stronger. Their love is my OTP on this show.

As Kurt lets Rachel go, she sings the final number of the episode, “Cry.” Lea Michele’s acting in this scene is great, she just looks dead behind the eyes – and not in a Tina way. She looks totally broken, no over-dramatics, just completely and utterly done. The cut to Finn holding her in her bedroom as she silently sobs is killer. The lyrics reflect that Rachel is just not prepared to deal with this situation any more, and, just to twist the knife, another cut away in the number reveals Puck getting his exam back – with an F. For Fail.

So, remember when Glee used to win awards for Best Comedy?