Glee returns this week with “Girls (and Boys) On Film,” the show’s long-awaited tribute to the music of the movies. In Lima, it’s boys against girls competing to re-create their favorite movie moments, and Finn convinces Will to find the still-missing Emma. Snowed into their apartment in New York, Kurt faces some feelings and Santana attempts to make Rachel face some facts. Read our full recap below.

The episode opens, fittingly, into a scene straight out of a movie, where Will and Emma, both in tuxedos, pay homage to Fred Astaire’s Royal Wedding, speaking poetically of their love for one another. They then break into “You’re All The World To Me,” replicating the zero-gravity song-and-dance number from the film as they dance on the walls and ceiling. It quickly becomes apparent that this is a dream of Will’s, as he wakes up startled and turns off the television in his bedroom.

Apparently this emotional trauma serves as inspiration, as, the next day, he tells the glee club that their weekly assignment is music from the movies, an idea which is met with much enthusiasm. Will also tells the club that the assignment will be a boys-against-girls mash-up competition, which doesn’t make a great deal of sense for this particular theme, but I am pretty sure Ryan Murphy had the Constitution of the United States amended to include that every season of Glee must include a boys-vs-girls mash-up episode. Artie announces that the winning team will get starring roles in his first “micro-budget feature,” and as the groups split up to discuss movie choices (“We should do The Artist so we don’t have to sing.” Sugar Motta, I missed you so much,) Finn, who’s still co-coaching the club, asks to speak with Will privately in the hall. He enquires about Will’s progress tracking down Emma. Emma’s parents won’t tell Will anything, and with no other leads, Will feels that it is now time to sit around, do nothing, and give Emma space. He says she’ll come back if she wants to, but Finn, urgent with determination and probably guilt, objects, saying Will should take action.

Will tells Finn to let it go, but Finn doesn’t – he goes to Sue privately to try and wangle information out of her. Finn’s gentle enquiries result in a rage attack from Sue, who still resents Finn and says that even if she did know, she wouldn’t give the information to a “flop-sweat smelling, fake-teen teaching, army-deserting, high-school-lurking, Sectionals-losing, special-needs-baby hating…” Finn recounts the conversation to Artie, who, since Sue isn’t talking, suggests an old-fashioned movie manhunt, searching everywhere in town. Finn pulls out a slightly forced “ain’t nobody got time for that!” so Artie recommends talking to Emma’s parents themselves, seeing as it’s their only lead.

Speaking of slightly forced scenes, next up Blaine and Brittany catch up with the rest of the club in the hallway, saying oh, isn’t it a shame that the guys and the girls can’t do a number together, we should totally do one as a warm-up, oh, and Blaine happens to have one in mind: “a little ditty from the seminal American college comedy, Animal House?” Wow, Anderson, did you read that off the DVD box? Everyone looks excited, so I will pause to remind you that these are kids who are meant to have been born in approximately 1996. I challenge you to go ask a bunch of actual 17 years olds, today, if Animal House is a general point of reference for them. Anyway, after what has to be the most awkward set-up to a “singing in the hallways” number ever, Brittany and Blaine lead the group in the Isley Brothers “Shout,” trotting through the school, collecting more glee club members (and total randoms, Blaine leaves a classroom being piggy-backed by a dark-haired girl that I’ve never seen before in my life) as they get “a little bit softer now” through the library and “a little bit louder now” dancing on the tables in the cafeteria. Shout is known to be Glee’s 500th performance, and it’s a high-energy number, so I am going to go out on a limb and guess that the collection of extras trailing the glee club and being involved in the choreography are possibly crew and dancers who have been with the show for a long while. “I realise this number wasn’t in competition, but you do know it’s not even a mash-up, right?” Artie snipes cynically at Blaine as they finish.

In New York City, the residents of the Bushwick loft – Rachel, Kurt and Santana, plus a bonus Adam, are snowed in. Santana looks as if she’s in physical pain as she watches Adam do Downton Abbey impressions for Kurt, and interrupts them to quiz Adam about where he’s from and Kurt about whether he’s actually dating Adam. She has no qualms about bringing up Kurt’s wedding-hookup with Blaine, though he shushes her, and when Santana turns her sniping on Rachel’s apparent chubbiness, that lady busts out of the bathroom, exclaiming that Santana will have to move out because she makes Rachel feel uncomfortable, and that she makes Brody – who’s apparently at work – feel uncomfortable too. Kurt tells them to sheathe their claws, seeing as they’re trapped there, and asks for the progress on DVD selection for their movie marathon. Santana holds up a selection of choices – Rosemary’s Baby, She’s Having A Baby, and Knocked Up – hmm, subtle. Unsurprisingly Rachel uncomfortably rejects all of these and Kurt makes the final selection – Moulin Rouge – “we love those dancin’ hos!” Santana looks around, probably for someone to shoot her and put her out of her misery.

We then immediately segue to what’s apparently the rooftop of Kurt’s apartment, shot in a retro, heightened fashion – much like styling of the rooftops of Paris in Moulin Rouge. There’s mist, ankle deep, covering the floor, and fairy lights enhance a pavilion hung with curtains fashioned to look like – you guessed it – an elephant. Blaine, in a tuxedo, nervously enters through the rooftop door, hugging himself against the cold, and begins to sing “Come What May.” As he sings the verse, in great pain, he imagines past moments of Klaine glory, like their first meeting on the stairs at Dalton, and their loving “first time.” This is actually sheer emotional manipulation towards the audience, due to the fact that we come to learn that this is actually Kurt’s fantasy, not Blaine’s, so Blaine wouldn’t be doing any imagining at all. Apparently Glee feels the need to remind us “Hey! You liked Klaine! Remember? We need you to remember this, despite our past season and a half of massacring this couple, otherwise this song will have no emotional effect!” Kurt appears on the roof, also in formal attire, and the two sing the song longingly to each other, waltzing a few steps before Kurt walks away from Blaine, watching from from the other side of his elephant pavilion. As they end, they come together and hug, holding each other as we cut back to Kurt watching the “Come What May” scene in the movie, weeping as he’s nestled between Rachel and Adam. Adam notices that Kurt is crying and comments on it, worried and affectionate. Kurt makes excuses about his contact lenses – even though Kurt Hummel crying in Moulin Rouge would not be the world’s biggest shocker in any circumstance, let’s be real now.

Santana, bored and intolerant, comments that Kurt’s probably crying because of how he and Blaine used to talk about how they wanted to sing this song to one another at their wedding. Adam looks away as Kurt glares at Santana, but she goes on to remind Kurt “I remember you telling me that singing this song to someone was a more intimate act than sex.” Who knows if Santana is trying to be actively destructive or if she’s just sort of a sociopath – she’s certainly not wearing that cruel smirk of hers, so maybe she just thinks she’s speaking some reasonable truths, but she interrupts herself and pauses the film to use this moment to bring up her concerns about another resident of the apartment. “That Brody character is a freaking psycho.” Kurt goes from annoyed at her to on-board, immediately. “Go on.”

“When I first met him, totally thought he was weird. He smelt all talcum-y, like a Cabbage Patch Doll? And then he said I wasn’t a real New Yorker until I’d had my first makeover, and I was like ‘what does that even mean?’” I am SCREAMING by this point because lord, I love when Glee does this – I’m not the biggest fan of when they try to make light of past mistakes or inconsistencies, but when they lampshade an absurdity, like this, from the perspective of another character, it’s the funniest thing ever. Anyway, when Adam says that Brody is a sweetheart, Santana goes on to explain further, and I’m sorry, her lines are just too good not to be quoted directly. She’s this episode’s MVP already. “That’s what I told myself, you know. I said ‘so what if he’s completely hairless and made out of plastic? I’m going to look past the fact that he probably has a disgusting porn-star landing strip. I’m gonna give Lars and the Real Boy one more chance.’” LARS AND THE REAL BOY, readers, I have lost my ability to even.

Santana then explains that, after she’d tried to put her suspicions aside, she’d found a wad of over a thousand dollars in cash in the apartment, which could only be Brody’s. Kurt and Rachel both start to heat up with outrage that Santana has been rooting around the entire apartment “Yeah, it’s a thing I do,” she shrugs, but Adam tries to rationalise the situation by saying who cares if Brody is carrying a little money? “That’s what I thought, right? Who cares if he’s terrified of banks? Cause if I were made out of plastic, I’d be scared of a lot of things too, open flames, barbecues…” Oh my god, they need to stop, I’m dying. Anyway, she then goes on to pull out her second piece of evidence – a pager. She claims that the equation of cash plus pager equals only one thing – that Brody is a drug dealer.

Back at McKinley, Emma’s parents sit in her office, looking confused, and we soon see why. Finn and Artie sit across from them in some serious ginger wigs, claiming to be members of the “Stop Ginger Bullying” club that Emma allegedly founded. They try to gain the pity of the ginger supremacist Pillsburys, claiming Artie needs her help to gain a college scholarship. “You don’t want Emma’s advice about college,” her dad says, “She doesn’t know anything. The kids at this school don’t seem to even think about what college they want to go to until about a week before graduation. That’s weird. You’re supposed to figure that out when you’re a junior.” Burn, Glee. Burn, Okay, okay, I think I’ve figured this out. Maybe there’s a couple of members of the Glee writing staff who are particular sticklers and are less tolerant with Glee’s absurdities and mistakes, so when it comes to their turn to pen an episode, they lampshade the hell out of things they found stupid in past episodes. Do you reckon? Because at this point it’s seeming likely. Nevertheless, poor ginger Artie and poor ginger Finn guilt Emma’s parents into giving them the address where Emma is staying.

The New Yorkers have apparently been stuck in the apartment for 48 hours now, with still no sign of Brody. Santana continues to jibe Rachel about it, and about where he might be, so Rachel calls him to prove nothing odd is going on. As Rachel asks where he is, Santana mimes cutting and snorting lines of coke, but Brody seems fine. He does end the call rather abruptly, at which even Adam narrows his eyes suspiciously, and Kurt mouths to Santana “I’m with you. Drug dealer.”

Back in the choir room, it’s time for the boys’ team to present their grand movie mash-up, and they “tribute to the early macho cinema of one Mr Tom Cruise” – Joe, Blaine and Artie, in flight gear, performing “Danger Zone,” used in Top Gun, inter-cut with Sam, Ryder and Jake doing the classic pants-less imagery of “Old Time Rock and Roll” from Risky Business. It’s pretty cool, everyone is impressed, and when Will sends the girls to go prepare for their number, Kitty uses the opportunity to make a confession to Marley. “For the past six months, I’ve said behind your back and in front of your face that you’re poor and fat and mousy and boring and you dress like Zach Galifianakis. I apologise.” She goes on to talk about how they’re both dating Puckermans and one day they’ll be sisters-in-law, “hanging out with Jews together.” Kitty catches Marley’s face fall at the mention of Jake, and when she badgers Marley, Marley admits that Ryder kissed her. She makes Kitty swear not to tell anyone, which, come on now Marley, are you that naïve? Really?

Kitty crosses her fingers behind her back, but outwardly encourages Marley, saying that she understands. I still can’t tell if Kitty plans to actually do damage, and what the point would be. Anyway, she makes an allusion to boys being like lumps of coal, that some turn into diamonds so Marley should collect as many as she can, and this obviously cuts straight into the girls’ group performance of the exact “Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend”/”Material Girl” mash-up from Moulin Rouge. They are, however, wearing the the pink gowns of both Marilyn Monroe’s original Gentlemen Prefer Blondes performance of “Diamonds” and Madonna’s “Material Girl” video. Now, I may not be the judge in this competition, but surely, surely the girls should lose points for presenting an existing mash-up from a single movie when the boys performed something that was apparently meant to be a new arrangement that they came up with themselves? Oh, whatever. Why do I do this to myself?

Classes have resumed at NYADA, and Adam finds Kurt pirouetting alone in front of a mirror. He’s all smiles as he thanks Kurt for letting him stay during the storm, and isn’t shy about telling Kurt he wishes it could have been longer. Kurt agrees, coyly getting all childish and funny about the disappointment of the snow melting – “all the snowmen look like they have scoliosis” but says it was cool to get to hang out and watch movies. Adam frankly corrects him, saying “a movie,” and gently asks Kurt for the honest answer about he and Blaine singing that duet. Kurt says it’s true, but that it feels like it happened a lifetime ago. “Maybe that’s what’s hard about it,” he admits, which is an oddly introspective and true expression for Glee – the fact that sometimes what really hurts is how something you thought meant everything can somehow come to just not matter. Finding out that you don’t still feel the same way, that hurts. Adam asks if Kurt is still in love with Blaine, and if he was Kurt’s rebound. Kurt denies this, saying he desperately wants to be over Blaine, and Adam seems pleased by this answer, taking Kurt’s hand and smiling again, saying that they’re going to go out to the movies right then and there. Kurt is taken aback, but Adam says “Oh, I’m serious. We are going to go and find the sappiest love story that we can, and then that will be our movie.”

Finn rushes into Will’s emptying classroom as the bell rings, telling Will that he’s found Emma, staying at her sister’s house, and that Will has to go to her. Will dismisses this, saying it’s pretty clear that Emma doesn’t want to see her, but Finn insists that Will has to make her want to see him, in a big romantic gesture from the movies. “And then she’ll take you back. That’s just the way it works.” Cue Emma, lying upset on a bed, in one of her ridiculous dolly nightgowns. Cue Will Schuester pulling up in his fugly car and beginning to sing “In Your Eyes” by Peter Gabriel. Cue New Directions wandering in behind him to back him up, and when Emma finally comes to the window, Will hoists an old boom-box over his head, replicating the classic scene from Say Anything, which is, I guess, a film relevant to Will and Emma’s generation, though if Will thinks he could ever hold a candle to Lloyd Dobler, he’s got another think coming. He finishes the song and over-dramatically professes his love for Emma, and just as I can practically see Emma thinking to herself “must he do everything in life trailing around this pack of children,” he politely tells them to bugger off now and leave them alone.

Emma comes down and the pair lean against Will’s car in the snow, quietly discussing their situation. Emma apologises for leaving the wedding and hiding from him, and while Will is clearly upset, he does his best to try and understand and help Emma. He asks her, if she were to write one of her bizarre pamphlets to herself, what would it be called. “So You’re Freaking Out Because The Man You’re About To Marry Parades Back Into Town And You Don’t Feel Like You Know Him Any More.” Will chastises her for not talking to him about it, but they agree to start over, from scratch, and asks her out to a movie that Friday, to see if they can get to know each other once more? Oh my god, do we now seriously have to go through their entire relationship again?

Santana waltzes into the Bushwick apartment fresh from a day of discovering New York, and finds Rachel alone on the sofa. She enquires as to the whereabouts of “The Hardy Boys,” – Kurt and Adam, and of “Pablo Escobar,” – Brody, who’s apparently in the shower. Rachel tells Santana off for continuing to make fun of Brody, but Santana changes the subject, now that she has Rachel alone – she sedately brings up the other item she found accidentally, while rifling through the apartment: Rachel’s pregnancy test. Without revealing whether the test was negative or positive, Rachel tells Santana she had no right to snoop, while simultaneously breaking down into tears. Santana asks what is going on, then holds Rachel as she cries, telling her she’s going to be okay. Given that Rachel would have no real reason to be sobbing over this if the test were negative, I think it’s safe to go ahead and assume that Rachel is, in fact, pregnant, but that her path may end up slightly differently to Quinn’s.

Back at McKinley, Jake entices Marley to McKinley’s very well-equipped pottery room – this school has everything, man – where he admits that his Valentine’s Day gifts and gestures had not been his own idea – that they were Ryder’s ideas, which Jake used because he wanted to impress her so much. He presents her with an idea he came up with all on his own, and sits her down at a potter’s wheel to help her shape a pot while he sings “Unchained Melody” to her, re-enacting the famous scene with Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze in Ghost. It’s all very touching, until Marley starts to envision Ryder sitting and singing with her instead. She seems to have an out of body experience, watching herself with each boy as they sing to her and Ryder – though not Jake – passionately kisses her. I keep crossing my fingers and hoping that Marley will evaporate entirely and that Jake and Ryder will be singing to each other at the potting wheel, but alas, no. The song ends and Marley leaps up in distress, saying she had known about Ryder being behind the Valentine’s Day surprises, but that she found it so sweet that Jake had tried so she didn’t mind. She could have left it there, but goes on to give full disclosure: “Ryder kissed me.. and I let him.” Jake stares at her, before getting up and exiting without a word, leaving Marley crying alone with her sad pot.

Later, at glee rehearsal, Will announces the winner of the competition: it’s – surprise, surprise – everybody. The club is dismayed, with Blaine actually exclaiming “why do you always do this?” Sugar weeping “so in reality, what you’re saying is that we’re all losers?” and Ryder questioning why they bother having a competition at all. I do so love these scenes where the glee club has big shouty objections like this, they are always golden. As the club settles down, Will calls Finn out into the hallway to thank him for his encouragement about finding Emma, and when Will waxes lyrical about how things may be better than ever, Finn asks if Emma said anything about him. Will tells him no, why would she, to which Finn, of course, says “because I kissed her.” Will just stares as Finn stammers to explain, saying he doesn’t know how it happened and that he doesn’t think of her like that. He apologises and begs for Will to punch him or something, because he deserves it, but Will just stares silently with tears in his eyes before walking away. Seems that’s going around, this week.

Then, with absolutely no transition, we leap straight into the big New Directions closing number for the week, on the auditorium stage. It’s “Footloose,” from Footloose, and seeing as I hate Kevin Bacon more than I hate most things on this planet, I refuse to comment further. Peace out.