This week on Glee, it’s Valentine’s Day and it’s finally the wedding of Mr Schuester and Miss Pillsbury. Of course, there’s no way it could possibly all go smoothly. Read our full recap of “I Do” below:

Because Finn only has two friends in the world – Rachel and Mr Schuester – he chooses the one who is not engaged to marry Emma to offload his feelings to about, you know, kissing Emma. He clearly feels terrible about it, and is still stunned. Rachel, who is back in Lima for the wedding, advises him against telling Will. She tries to console him, saying that what he’d done “wasn’t great” but that it was understandable, and a little condescendingly, explains that it was probably due to Finn being lonely, and upset about hearing of Rachel and Brody’s cohabitation. Finn tells her that, actually, not every single feeling or action on God’s green earth revolves around Rachel Berry, and at that, Rachel’s care-factor turns to zero. She fake-nicely tells him to practice his acting skills and play “Supportive Best Man,” and leaves Finn to his misery, glaring at him with contempt when his back is turned. Finn then goes to Emma herself, to try and talk about his feelings, but she is a nervous wreck, still struggling with wedding plans by herself despite the fact that Will has returned home, and assuaged with her own guilt about lying to her fiancé  She tells Finn, in no uncertain terms, to “get over it” and that if he really wants to help her, he will keep away. This is the exact opposite of what I want to hear, especially because their conversation is, once again, incredibly level and adult in a way that I never in a million years expected, but that I am now obsessed with. Oblivious Schuester finds them together in Emma’s office and scoops up Finn for glee rehearsal, ignoring Emma’s pleas for help with the seating chart.

The glee club welcomes Schuester back, and – I’m shocked, who saw this one coming?! – announces the week’s assignment to be “Help Me With My Wedding.” He asks Finn if, as his best man, he will sing a song instead of giving a speech, and he informs the kids that they will need to find some romantic songs to sing at the reception. “Wait, you want us to be your wedding singers? That is so la-” “Awesome,” Blaine diplomatically interrupts a sulking Tina. “We’d be honoured ” Wait, so let’s see. Emma is doing everything for this wedding, and the only thing Will helps out with is something that is a) actually getting others to do it for him, and b) part of his day job anyway? Go and help your girlfriend write the goddamn seating chart, Schuester, at least pretend that you love her more than you love the glee club. Later, Finn, either out-of-character sarcastically, or completely ridiculously, tells Rachel that he has narrowed down his song choices to “Confessions” by Usher, “My Best Friend’s Girl,” or “Lying Eyes” by the Eagles, going on to say that he doesn’t think he can go through with being Will’s best man. Rachel assures him that it will be fine, and that she will sing with him if he likes – they can do a duet on which she takes the lead and he just sways in the background. Finn matches Rachel’s condescension shot-for-shot, saying that maybe Rachel can’t handle singing with him, due to their infamous musical chemistry. She rolls her eyes, but they are smiling at each other and Rachel admits that while she thinks she can control herself, Finn does look very cute right now. Yes, yes he does. She composes herself and with authority tells Finn that she’ll pick out a song for them.

The next day, Emma briefs Artie on her niece Betty, as she wants him sit next to her at the wedding. “She’s blonde, she’s an amazing singer, and she has, um, very large, uh..” “Feet?” Artie asks curiously. “Boobies,” Emma tells him, and now all I want for the rest of my life is to watch Jayma Mays say “boobies” over and over again. Artie looks rather delighted at the prospect of his date, but asks if Emma is quite okay, as, while this conversation has been going on, she has been obsessively scrubbing out his locker. She apologises, calling it a bit of normal, bridal, pre-wedding stress, but Artie looks sceptical.

Jake and Marley pass behind them and we cut to their conversation, where Marley excitedly hands over an early Valentine’s Day gift – customised cuff links that she’d hand-made from old typewriter keys, for Jake to wear to the wedding. Jake, very impressed, thanks her and tells her that he can’t wait to give her his gift. They kiss and as she skips off happily, Ryder claps his bro on the shoulder, suspecting correctly that Jake was not quite as prepared as he’d just played off. “Dude, you did her something, right?” Jake says that he hasn’t, yet, but that he has some ideas, stuff he’d been brainstorming with his brother. We get a flashback of Puck offering Jake some truly terrible and gross Valentine’s plans, and Ryder, who is as gently honest as he is handsome, calls it as he sees it: “I know you’re like, related to that guy, but he’s kind of creepy and currently dating a sophomore, alright? I’m not letting you do any of that.” Jake says he doesn’t have any other ideas and doesn’t know how to do this, and Ryder says that he is going to help him out and provide some ideas to give Marley a “Valentine’s Week” that she will remember for the rest of her life. Jake thanks Ryder and Ryder plays it off as no big deal, but as Jake leaves for class, Ryder heaves a private sigh, clearly because he is still in love with Jake himself. Wait, I mean Marley. Marley. But really, Glee lucked out on the chemistry of these two, Jacob Artist and Glee Project winner Blake Jenner, because they have more naturalistic interactions and chemistry than any of the other actors on the show currently.

Later, when Jake comes into Marley and Ryder’s history class, (taught by Mr Schue, the lesson is on the history of the bald eagle, which… doesn’t seem like an actual history-class topic) they put Ryder’s first plan into practice. We spy Ryder’s red suit pants and boots under his track suit and he taps his foot nervously, watching the clock. Marley, sitting behind him, asks what is going on with him. “Nothing’s going on, what could be going on? It’s history class.” He punctuates this with a simultaneous grin and thumbs-up and my friends, there is no way to do the delivery of this line justice in the format of the written word, except to say that my extreme fondness for this character has hit full-blown romantic love. I have broken up with my TV boyfriend Sam Evans. His position has been filled by Ryder Lynn. The magic continues when Jake – band in tow – comes in, wearing a red tux, and after a word to Schuester, announces himself to the class. Ryder continues the farce as the pair talk back to one another in a purposefully dictated manner. “Wow, that’s so crazy and emotionally vulnerable, I had no idea! Oh wait..” he slips back into a normal tone – “yes I did.” He unzips his jacket, revealing a matching tux, and joins Jake for the performance. Artie and my ex-boyfriend Sam also enter from outside the room, again in the awful red suits, and the group perform the Marvin Gaye/Tammi Terrell hit “You’re All I Need To Get By,” with Marley joining in to sing the female lead. By the way, speaking of Marvin and Tammi, how is it possible that this show has never done “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough?” Ever? Anyway, Marley is just thrilled to bits with the song, as is Mr Schuester – any excuse to avoid actual teaching! Oh, wait, on closer inspection of the whiteboard his lesson seems to be about the history of the bald eagle as America’s symbol, which makes a modicum of sense. Sorry for doubting you, I guess, Glee. Jake high-fives Ryder, thanking him again, and Ryder once again has a little kicked-puppy moment.

Next thing you know, it’s the day of the wedding, and all our long-lost friends enter and take their seats to watch Mr Schuester and Miss Pillsbury get married. Quinn and Santana enter together. As Santana glares at Brittany and Sam together, she complains about being alone, hating weddings, and hating Valentine’s Day, and as Quinn scoffs at an older man tipping her the wink, she contributes that she hates all men, “except maybe Mr Schue and Al Roker.” She goes on to tell Santana that she’d been right when she accused Quinn of letting men define her, but that that’s all changing now. “Al Roker is disgusting, by the way.” “Whatever,” Quinn replies as the two share a hand mirror, their eyes ahead, comfortable and settled in their many years of being Queen Bee best friends and judging the bejesus out of everybody else together. Artie finds Emma’s niece Betty, Ali Stroker from season 2 of the Glee Project. She is indeed very pretty, buxom and blonde, and she is also in a wheelchair. She is immediately unimpressed and aggressive with him, shunning him and saying that she’d been told her aunt was fixing her up with someone attractive. “Some people think I’m kind of nerdy-hot, so..” “No, no, no. Andrew Garfield is nerdy hot,” (yes, yes he is) “you are Stephen Hawking’s younger brother.” It turns out that Betty is very popular and does not date “losers in chairs,” despite being in one herself, and she ditches Artie quickly. Marley, Jake and Ryder take their seats together and Marley finds a bouquet containing her favourite flower, peonies, that “Jake” has placed in her seat. She wonders aloud about how he knew they were her favourites, and Ryder supplies that “Jake” had remembered her mentioning it in the choir room once. At this point, I am like “oh my lord, this is a full on Cyrano de Bergerac” as Jake silently thanks Ryder for his help and Ryder gives him the thumbs up, and then, guess what, has another private sad sigh.

Meanwhile, Kurt and Blaine risk running late for the ceremony, as they are currently caught up in ripping one another’s clothes off in the back seat of what I’m assuming is Blaine’s car. It’s their hottest make-out to date, made all the more appealing by their casual conversation and genuine passion, as opposed to the syrupy, sexless romance that most of their past interactions have dripped with. Kurt laughs at the situation, but is quick to remind Blaine that this doesn’t mean they’re back together, as he’s dating someone in New York. Blaine, who is clearly willing to take what he can get when it comes to Kurt, hides his disappointment in one blink and assures Kurt that it’s all cool, and that this is just “bros helping bros.” Ladies and gentlemen, I cannot. It seems Kurt cannot, with this statement, either, as he smirks and dives back on top of Blaine, saying “I love it when you talk fratty.” They’re interrupted by a knocking on the car window – “Tell me that’s not Tina again,” Kurt snaps, which makes me wonder how many times their tryst has been interrupted. It’s not Tina, it’s Mercedes, who tells them that they need to knock it off, as the wedding is about to start. The two climb out of the car, giggling, as Mercedes sassily judges them, saying “You do realise how trashy blasphemous this is, right?” “Mercedes, everyone hooks up at weddings,” Kurt hushes her, and she drags her pair of “arm gays” towards the church, Blaine hunching forward and Kurt keeping his overcoat conveniently folded and held over the front of his pants. Wow, props for realism, Glee, but I can safely say that even back in the days of Jacob Ben-Israel orgasming in the public auditorium, Kurt Hummel hiding his wood is something I never expected to see.

Emma is alone and very nervous, preparing herself for the wedding. Her mental state is not helped by Sue, who walks in to talk to her, clothed in an exact replica of Emma’s own wedding dress. Emma seems past the stage of any histrionics, and just quietly asks Sue why she has done this, shaking her head in disbelief. Sue’s answer is, apparently, to get back at Will for hiring Finn, which… okay? I am not sure how this is a punishment for Will? Emma puts the incredulous situation aside and begins to speak to Sue about her fears, saying that she can’t think straight and that she’s worried the marriage isn’t going to work. “Well, of course it isn’t going to work. You’re a weird bird-lady with a hollow pelvis and OCD. And Will Schuester is a weepy man-child whose greatest joy in life is singing with children. And his best friend? Nineteen.” Every time Sue Sylvester throws shade at Will’s unhealthy relationship with the glee club, an angel gets its wings. Emma ignores Sue’s rationale and goes on to explain that in her last marriage, she became someone she didn’t recognise, and she begins to really freak out, losing her breath as a camera flashes and we cut back to Will, singing the opening to “Getting Married Today,” the comedic piece from Stephen Sondheim’s Company, as he greets the guests and waits at the altar. Emma, naturally, takes over the female lead, singing at double speed about how she’s not getting married today, and Mercedes takes the third part of the wedding singer who breaks up the couple’s verses with the hymnal chorus. They do it fairly well – Jayma particularly sounds perfect for this song and her delivery is impeccable, even if the lip-synching is not the best job Glee has ever done – and the song ends, much as it does in the musical, with the bride leaving the wedding and leaving her groom stranded at the altar.

The guests expectantly look down the church as the organ plays. Sue enters and struts down the aisle grandly. Will, to his credit, takes this in stride and asks Sue what the hell she’s doing, more resigned than anything. She quietly tells him that Emma has left, and that she’s trying to stop the situation becoming an utter fiasco. I am not sure how walking the aisle in place of the bride helps the situation in any way – I mean, what was Will going to do, marry her instead? – but Sue’s logic is not like our Earth logic. Will’s face falls. Cut to several minutes, or hours, later, and the church has emptied. Will and Finn remain, sitting on the altar steps. Finn – who clearly blames himself – tries to help Will struggle through the situation while also trying to gauge from Will whether Emma had said anything implicating him. Will, however, also blames himself, for leaving Emma alone with all the stress and planning, and brushing off her concerns as her usual OCD. Finn’s unsubtle questioning, however, leads Will to Finn if Finn thinks that there was something – or someone – else that may have interfered. He clearly doesn’t suspect Finn, but Finn is saved from having to answer by Santana, who has been sent by the rest of the group to ask Will what he wants to do about the waiting reception. Will advises them to go ahead and not let the party go to waste, while he goes off to look for Emma.

At the reception, Quinn and Santana use fake Ids to hit up the bar as they cynically bitch about the outcome of the wedding and about their paired-up friends. “Look at those romantic saps. You know, they may have love, but you know what we are that they are not?” “Flawless,” Quinn counters, not missing a beat. She also compliments Santana’s looks and outfit, touching her shoulder in a way that makes Santana eye her with interest. Jake pulls Ryder aside, calling him a “love genius” and saying that Marley has a case of “Puckerman fever” and that he needs one more gesture to make the condition “fatal.” Ryder, a little fed up, asks whether one of the gifts should be Jake’s idea, but Jake dismisses this, saying all his ideas suck. Ryder reluctantly hands over a jewellery box containing a pretty heart pendant. Jake exclaims that Ryder is his hero and that he will totally be getting laid tonight. Ryder pulls him up short, questioning this and Jake says that he’s booked one of the rooms upstairs because, even though Marley wanted to take it show, he thinks that she’s so hopped up on romance that it might happen. Ryder tells Jake that Marley is not ready for that, being only a sophomore and getting over her illness, but Jake swears that he isn’t going to mess her around, that he loves her and that he’d promised Ryder himself not to hurt her. “I keep my promises. Especially to friends who are putting whatever feelings they’re having aside to make something special happen for me.” Ah, so Jake isn’t totally blind to what has been going on with Ryder.

On stage, Blaine and Kurt perform an entertaining version of Depeche Mode’s “Just Can’t Get Enough.” Interestingly, it’s their best duet since prior to them ever getting together (“Candles,” ugh, “Perfect”, double-ugh) and they’re very in sync. While they perform, Rachel approaches Finn and tells him that the wedding disaster was not his fault – that when a woman does a “runaway bride,” it is because something is deeply wrong. Meanwhile, Tina glares resentfully at Kurt and Blaine’s performance, and Artie approaches Betty once again. She continues to cut him down, but when he persists despite that, she agrees to dance with him.

When the boys finish the song, Blaine goes off to get a drink and asks if he can get Kurt one too. Kurt accepts but reminds him once again that this behaviour shouldn’t be construed as dating, and Blaine nods in compliance. As he leaves, Tina accosts Kurt, and they have a stand-off. Tina tells Kurt that she doesn’t like the way he treats Blaine, which, fair point, but then goes on to rant about how everyone is human and deserves to be loved back, which is clearly projecting her own Blaine issues. Kurt sees this too: “Okay, Tina, I say this with total love, but the moment we all saw coming is finally here. You’re a hag. You’re hagged out, you’re in love with Blaine, and it’s creepy. Stop.” High five, Kurt, even though you were a terrible boyfriend yourself. Tina says Kurt doesn’t know anything about love, or more specifically loving Blaine, which is not the most inaccurate statement in the history of Glee, but she goes on to reveal all the ways that she has loved and supported Blaine since Kurt has been gone, including accidentally admitting to her creepy vapor rub molestation. Kurt looks taken aback and grossed out and Tina flusters, trying to take it back, eventually angrily storming off. “Did you vapo-rape my ex-boyfriend?” Kurt demands, and I am so very relieved that that whole incident was actually meant to be objectively creepy, because with Glee, you never know what they think is appropriate, and it seemed they were going the “sweet and sad” route.

Sue takes the stage and, in the least enthusiastic way possible, invites all the single girls to gather around as she tosses Emma’s bouquet. Rachel ends up catching it, and later, Finn corners her as she carries it around. He casually remarks that it’s odd that she went for it, as traditionally it’s for single girls to participate and that he didn’t think Rachel was single. He’s actually incorrect, it is actually for unmarried girls, wither they’re attached or not, but pointing that out would be counter-productive to where the conversation goes next, which is discussing her relationship with Brody. Finn plucks a daisy from the bouquet and begins to play the “she loves me, she loves me not” game with it as Rachel claims she is single. “You live with a guy… she loves me not.” “Have you been drinking?” Rachel asks. It’s a fair question, Finn is very rarely this brash and relaxed at the same time. He goes on to start rambling about flowers as a metaphor for relationships – that a relationship can grow, and it may die for a while, but if you tend the garden, spring will come again, love will grow again. “Are you telling me you want to be a gardener?” Rachel asks coyly, and Finn, self-assured, says he’s asking how she can live with a guy but still be single. Rachel dismisses this as the norm for New York, just like Sex and the City, and that she and Brody had a mature conversation about their lack of labels, but Finn knows her better than that, and questions whether she really believes all of what she’s saying, and it’s certainly true that Rachel doesn’t do “casual feelings” very well, underneath her bravado.

He says that she’s lying to herself, (“she loves me”) and that the reason she can’t commit to Brody is because she’s still in love with someone else (“she loves me not.” It’s the second-last petal.) “You?” she asks. “You and I both know how this thing ends,” Finn tells her. “I don’t know how or when, I don’t care where you’re living or what dope you’re shacked up with, you are my girlfriend, we are endgame. I know that and you know that.” Wow. I am really torn, because while I would be completely fascinated with a legitimate Finn/Emma relationship, I was not expecting Finn to pull out this masterpiece, and I am now back on the good ship Finchel. They keep getting me when I least expect it! But this is just stunning. He leans to kiss her, and she stares at him, saying they have to go and sing their duet. She turns away and he sighs, but then her hand reaches back into the shot, plucking the last petal for him, “she loves me.”

On stage, they begin to sing “We’ve Got Tonight” while all of the other couples slow-dance. This includes Kurt and Blaine, Jake and Marley, Tina and Mike – who clearly had an interaction where all their interactions happen, offscreen – and Quinn and Santana. Quinn tells Santana that she’s never slow-danced with a girl before, and that she likes it. Rachel and Finn hold hands, and then move to holding hands in the hotel corridor, entering a room together. Other couples then follow suit, taking over the song a couple of lines each – Kurt and Blaine, grinning, as Kurt pulls Blaine in by his tie; Jake and Marley, tentatively; Quinn and Santana, laughing and falling against one another; and Artie and Betty, who seem to have put their differences aside. We cut back to Finn and Rachel, who get undressed and climb into bed together.

The song finishes and we cut to straight after for each couple. Kurt’s face is unreadable as he buttons his shirt. Blaine, behind him in the mirror, smiles and says that this must mean they’re back together. Kurt dismisses this, saying it was just a bit of fun, and Blaine continues to smile, saying he knows Kurt is only pretending not to care, and that no matter how much Kurt denies it, they’re going to be together for many more Valentine’s Days. For the first time ever, I cannot work out how I feel about them – I cannot tell if Kurt is heartless and Blaine is deluded, or if Kurt is repressing his emotions and Blaine is spot-on. It genuinely could go either way. Kurt does not confirm or deny anything to Blaine, just, quite sexily, leans into him and says he will see him downstairs, and as he leaves, Blaine throws himself back on the bed happily, exclaiming “yes” to himself. Quinn’s also looking quite pleased with herself, wrapped up in the blankets as Santana, who’s naked and wrapped in her own sheet, smiles at her. They discuss the situation – Quinn says that she enjoyed the experimentation, but that it was probably a one-time thing. Santana tells her friend that she doesn’t have to worry, in regards to getting emotionally attached. She also suggests, that if Quinn isn’t quite ready to leave the room yet, that they make it a two-time thing, and Quinn looms over, intending to climb on Santana once again.

Artie and Betty cautiously ask each other whether it was good. “I don’t know. You?” “No idea.” They both start to laugh, and if this is meant to be some joke about them both being paralysed and unable to feel it, it went over my head, because it’s been stated before that Artie has full use of his equipment, so I am pretty sure that he can feel sex. Maybe it’s an in-joke about other people thinking that they wouldn’t be able to feel it? That seems too subversive for present-day Glee. Jake and Marley sit there awkwardly, fully clothed. They have not had any sex, which is probably a good thing. Rachel dresses while Finn is asleep, kisses the side of his head, and leaves.

Rachel returns to New York where Brody has beautifully decorated the apartment for Valentine’s Day. They greet each other sweetly, but when they start to kiss more deeply Brody asks, curiously, if Rachel has kissed someone else while she was away. She coyly asks if it matters, and Brody says that the key to their open relationship is actual honesty, no game-playing. He asks if she was with Finn. “Finn’s fine. He lives in Ohio and I live here, with you. Cool?” Brody takes this as an admission and seems fine with it. Rachel playfully asks what he had been up to – “who did you see? Who did you do?” but Brody claims he stayed at home and watched weightlifting videos. Ew. However, a flashback shows us that this isn’t true – we see him exiting a hotel room, dishevelled, and counting a wad of cash. Wow, Brody is a prostitute. Well, it’s better than a weightlifter. He, in polite terms, asks if she wants to go have sex, and she passes, claiming she feels ill in the tummy. Brody’s cool with that, and settles them in for a couch-cuddling night, and when he says how much he missed her, Rachel looks guilty.

Blaine and Kurt – Kurt, why are you hanging around McKinley again? – walk behind Tina as she rants in an over-dramatic apology to Kurt, saying she was jealous of watching “two soulmates rediscover each other.” She also apologises to Blaine for throwing herself at him, thank god, and hopefully that horror story is now over. Blaine tells her that they’ve all experienced unrequited love before, and the best thing to do is get past it and get back to friendship. “And that’s what we are,” Kurt tells her, gesturing to him and Blaine, “we’re just friends.” Blaine laughs to himself, biting his lip at this statement, and I still cannot assess this! Are they secretly together and they don’t want people passing judgement on it, or is Kurt being truthful and Blaine having delusions? Marley approaches Ryder and gives him a home-made Valentine, thanking him and telling him that she knows he helped Jake. “I know it was you, whispering in his ear like Cyrano.” Ryder doesn’t know who that is, but I do, and I feel extremely validated for having made the association myself earlier in the episode. Marley calls him sweet and romantic, and says that whenever Ryder gets to use those qualities for real, she is going to be the luckiest girl on the planet. Ryder looks at her, clearly distressed, and says quietly “it was for real.” As Marley processes this, he holds her face and kisses her quickly, then immediately apologises. Marley does not get angry, but quickly excuses herself.

Mr Schuester is moping in the teacher’s lounge, and Finn gets pro-active, trying to shake some life into his weird best friend. He takes Will’s coffee and pours it down the sink, intending to startle him, and it works. When he asks what has gotten into Finn, Finn tells him it’s the whole situation – that it sucks, but it’s time to fix it. He cites glee club and Will himself as his inspiration, that he’s learnt to never back away from a challenge or give up, and when Will claims he needs time to process, Finn says there is no time. “Somewhere out there is a Miss Pillsbury running around who should already be a Mrs Schuester.” Finn tells Will that he’ll be there at his side, and that together they’re going to win Nationals and together they’re going to find Will’s errant wife. And we’re back to the weird homoerotic Will/Finn relationship, yippee.

Betty comes to visit Artie at school – seriously, how do all these strangers keep just strolling into the school? – and opens up a little, admitting that when she’s nervous she gets mean. She thanks him for putting up with her, and for… you know. He bashfully smiles when she says he’s the best she’s ever had – again, I’m tying this statement in to the prior “how was it for you” statement and drawing a blank.. and Artie demands Betty’s number, saying that he’s going to take her on a date. She’s all “how about we skip the date and go straight to more sex,” but he starts to wax lyrical about flying her to Paris. I refuse to acknowledge the fact that there’s a segue from his statement of “anything could happen” to the episode’s final song “Anything Could Happen.” Oops, I just acknowledged it. Well, that happens, and the number is one of the strangest on-stage New Directions numbers I have ever seen, it’s basically just them in blue shirts flailing around like spiders on acid. The most interesting thing about it, to me, is the reappearance of Blaine’s bow-tie, which has definitely been acknowledged as a metaphor for his relationship with and dependence on Kurt.

The episode ends with a more dramatic turn as, interspersed with the final moments of the song, we see Rachel counting days in her diary, coming to a realisation, and then taking a home pregnancy test. Naturally, we fade to black before Rachel finds out the result.