Glee enters 2013 with “Sadie Hawkins,” where McKinley hosts a Sadie Hawkins dance. Inappropriate crushes ensue, while in New York City, both Kurt and Rachel take some initiative within their own love lives. Also, there’s still no Schuester! Yes!
On their way to a student council meeting, Sam bombards Blaine with his conspiracy theory that the Warblers cheated to achieve their win at Sectionals. Blaine’s more interested in staring at Sam’s lips when Sam borrows his Chapstick, and we can’t see where this is going at all. In the meeting, Blaine is running things in his usual anal-retentive way when he is interrupted by Tina, who, after a very snarky speech about the stresses and dissatisfaction of prom for those ladies not deemed to be hot or sort-of-hot (“for the record I think you’re totally sort-of hot! Like, if was like, in a bunker with you I would totally hit that,” Sam reassures Tina helpfully) pitches a Sadie Hawkins dance, where the girls ask the guys. Apparently, the topic came up at the last meeting of McKinley’s ‘Too Young To Be Bitter’ club – consisting of Tina, Sugar, Becky, Lauren Zizes, Dottie Kazatori, and the Neck-Brace Cheerio – and because it’s apparently the Fifties or 18th Century or something in Ohio, a special occasion has to be organised in order for the young ladies to feel empowered enough to ask out the gentlemen. Blaine doesn’t think the dance is a good idea, but we never find out why, as he is unanimously outvoted by the rest of the council.
Kurt begins the winter semester at NYADA and soon discovers that college, like high school, has a clique hierarchy and that he is very alone. He’d expected to stay glued to Rachel, but finds her very caught up in helping Brody remove his shirt (Magic Mike: The Musical? Really?) and Kurt accepts that he needs to make some new friends. He turns to his old faithful method – joining extracurriculars – and as he reads through the options, he discovers a sign-up sheet for Adam’s Apples. When he muses a question to himself, he’s answered by a gorgeous blur walking past in the background. “NYADA’s show choir. You should join! It’s super-fun,” says the blur in the sweetest British accent to grace American screens since they were introduced to Joseph Morgan.
Kurt’s quite keen on the plan, but when he tells Rachel about it the next morning – after discovering that she saucily invited Brody to stay over, mind you, and that he’s sleeping in her bedroom – she pretty much laughs in his face. She advises him that at NYADA, show choir is “beneath stage managers and carpenters,” managing to offend anyone who has ever appreciated a good crew – the lowest of the low in the social scene, fit only for future chorus kids, those who will end up playing a dancing teapot at Disneyland. She tells him that they’re not underdogs anymore and to join any other club – just not that one. Kurt looks a bit crushed.
The Sadie Hawkins vibe in the air has the glee club guys feeling nervous and “totally powerless” as they walk through the halls, viewing the girls as potential threats. They discuss what’s worse – the fact that any girl could come up and ask them out at any moment and that they’ll feel pressured into saying yes, or the idea that they won’t get asked to the dance at all. I am not sure if this scene is meant to be funny or empowering, because I found it pretty offensive, if what they’re implying is that the girls feel like all the time.
Coach Beiste puts it a little better when she speaks to Finn in the staff lounge about his lack of a choir room, a competition, and a weekly lesson plan. He looks adorably adult and has learnt to drink coffee without spitting it up. Beiste advises Finn to use the Sadie Hawkins theme for the glee club. “Sadie Hawkins is a metaphor for empowerment. And not just for women – for everyone who is sick and tired of the status quo.” This is a really nice message and it’s a shame the episode doesn’t actually live up to it, and goes on to paint a girl asking out a guy as the biggest achievement in the history of time and that a girl needs to do this to have confidence in all other areas of her life.
Underneath the astronomy ceiling mobile that has witnessed so much heavy petting in its time, Finn pitches the plan to his glee club, announcing that the girls will sing songs to whoever they want to take to the dance. Kitty snakes in, saying that she loves this idea, because she’s got a special song to sing to somebody. She catches Jake’s eye and Marley looks panicked. At a later meeting – in the boys locker room – Tina is first up with her invitational solo, “I Don’t Know How To Love Him” from Jesus Christ Superstar. Artie quietly and confidently theorises that she’s going to pick him, but as Tina begins the song, a montage shows the true object of her affections – Blaine.
The montage progresses from adorable (Blaine charmingly stealing extra tater-tots for her and Sam and getting smacked around the head by a cafeteria lady while protesting his innocence) to creepy (lingering ass-shots) and in real-time, Blaine placidly sways and smiles, enjoying his friend’s performance but remaining oblivious even when Tina gets right up in his face. Everyone else gets it, though, and there are some brilliant side-eye shots of Ryder, Finn, Artie, Unique and Marley. Blaine is literally frozen mid-clap at the end of the number when Tina asks him to the dance and the penny finally drops. Stressed smile fixed in place, looking around for someone to save him from the awkwardness, he turns her down. “Wow, Tina, I don’t know what to say… No? Thank you. But no thank you.”
Despite Rachel’s warning, Kurt finds himself drawn back to the Adam’s Apples sign-up sheet where he is accosted by the gorgeous, friendly, British blur – Adam, who’s a senior and the group’s founder. Adam sweeps Kurt off his feet with words, spelling out everything that had been going through Kurt’s head about wanting to join the Apples but fearing it’s a step backwards – “I’m not a mind-reader, I’m just astute. Like you.” Kurt is charmed but says he doesn’t think so, but allows himself to be taken along to hear the group sing, no strings attached.
Adam and his Apples are a group of unique individuals who seem to be primarily concerned with loving life and having fun. They have the vibe of existing not at the bottom of NYADA’s food chain, but outside of it completely – totally carefree and without much concern for competition and coolness. They seem like genuinely good people and it’s a pity that it was their entrance that had to be scarred with shameful and scandalous behaviour on Glee‘s part as they perform Jonathan Coulton’s very distinct cover and original melody of Sir Mix-A-Lot’s “Baby Got Back.” It sounds awesome, and I am both already in love with Ollie Kieran-Jones (he is a doll on Facebook) and obviously have investment in the Apples as they feature a couple of my StarKids. But I am still so, so not on Glee‘s side in regards to this, so I really hope to see more of Adam soon, without an ethical drama surrounding his performance. Kurt gapes in delight and disbelief at the performance, and I really want him to be friends with these people. He could use some carefree time in his life.
Back in Lima, Brittany introduces herself to Marley, seeing as they’ve never had a conversation before (ahem) and goes on to let Marley know that, when it’s quiet enough, she can hear Marley whimpering over Jake like a suckling puppy. Apparently, after Marley fainted at Sectionals, Jake has been giving her the cold shoulder (nice, real nice) and now she doesn’t know where they stand. Brittany offers to help her out by singing a song with her, so that Marley can ask Jake to the dance. “The music usually starts when I say something like ‘It’s Brittany, bitch’ or I do one of my magical turns.” (AHEM.)
One magical turn later, the music starts for The Exciters “Tell Him” and Brittany and Marley prance through the halls, backed up by all the other glee club girls in Sixties-style matching gowns. After a performance of rock-n-roll solo swing dancing, in which I found Kitty’s complicity really unrealistic but which sounded and looked quite awesome, Marley nervously shouts Jake’s name, goes down on one knee, and asks him to the dance. He accepts with a smile and the fancy dresses vanish, showing the girls in their normal outfits – apparently they were a fantastical product of Brittany’s magical turn. Britt uses the opportunity to ask Sam as well (is this something that needs to happen even when a couple is officially dating? You don’t just already know you’re going together?), Tina and Blaine look miserable and awkward, and Neck-Brace Cheerio knocks on the window from outside, waving and winking at Ryder. Okay.
Kitty traps Jake in a corridor – literally has other Cheerios barricade the door – and orders him to dump Marley and attend the dance with her. (See? Why did she help Marley’s song in the prior scene? Are we meant to find the musical numbers implausible, because it has always seemed like something that could easily be made plausible and played into actual characteristics. Tina would have sat it out due to sulking, and Kitty would have sat it out due to wanting to ask out Jake herself. It should have just been Sugar and Unique backing up Brittany and Marley. No? Whatever.) Jake is surprised, saying he thought Kitty and Marley were friends. “Duh, we are. I’m still going to gaslight her every chance I get.” Jake clearly doesn’t know the definition of the word gaslighting, because I cannot believe he would let this statement slide if he knew what it meant, but Kitty goes on to explain that if he chooses her over Marley, he’ll have the chance to get laid. She leaves him considering his options.
Later, Little Puck grabs coffee with Normal Puck and discusses this – literally “should I be a good guy and go with the girl I actually like, or should I go with the one who will sleep with me?” Um, if you legit like Marley, is this actually a question? Is this something people actually verbalise and debate? I get that it may be a hormonal instinct, but said aloud it seems utterly ridiculous. After a bunch of baseball metaphors, Puck sets Jake straight: “I’m your hitting coach, and I’m waving you off!” Puck advises his brother not to bother with Kitty if he actually likes Marley – that the sex won’t be worth it. Jake seems to find it hard to believe that someone like Puck would give him this advice, which proves that we know Puck – the only character on Glee with actually consistent growth and development – a bit better than his new “little-brother-from-a-different-coloured-mother” does. Puck promises to make Kitty back off if she doesn’t stop coming onto Jake.
Tina catches a very anxious Blaine at his locker, where she says they owe one another an apology. She thinks that he owes her one for humiliating her, which… I am not 100% sure about? I mean, he was pretty nice and apologetic at the time, and is there a law that when you ask someone out, they have to say yes? Anyway, her apology is for failing to remember Blaine’s past – that a Sadie Hawkins dance was where he got so badly beaten up that he ended up moving to Dalton in the first place. There’s the backstory nod Ryan Murphy promised to the pedantic fangirls, and to be honest, it’s pretty unsatisfying (give me gender-role issues, dammit. Blaine used that first Sadie Hawkins opportunity to ask out another guy, it’s clear that he puts himself into a certain societal role) but if Tina thinks that THAT’s the reason he turned her down, she’s delusional. I mean, she goes on to prove that she’s delusional, later on, but how about the fact that he’s gay and she approached him in a romantic way regardless? How about the fact that a few episodes ago, she was trying to get him back together with Kurt? I could start listing reasons why this was super messed up but we would be here all day, but basically, she’s thought things through and come up with: “it’s not that you didn’t want to go with me, it’s that you didn’t want to go in general.” Delusional.
Blaine thanks her for her apology but tells her it’s not the reason he turned her down. He slumps to sit on the floor in front of his locker, and doesn’t want to admit the real reason, but as she pushes, bits come out until she gets the full story. Blaine has a crush on a guy, who’s straight, and he doesn’t want to say anything about it, but he doesn’t want to go to a dance where everyone is being romantic except him. He’s not “some predatory gay,” so nothing’s going to happen. (Wow, was that a burn on Tina’s behaviour towards him, or Kurt’s behaviour towards Finn?) Tina keeps pressing Blaine until he cracks and admits that his crush is Sam.
Much like Tina’s montage of falling for Blaine, we see Blaine’s montage of falling for Sam, particularly focusing on Sam’s current investigation of the Warblers – based on the growth of Hunter Clarington’s head, he seems to have pieced together evidence that the Warblers may have been using performance enhancing drugs. Blaine seems to be quite ashamed of himself as he is proud of his friendship with Sam, that he as a gay guy can be best friends with a straight guy without stigma. Tina comforts Blaine, saying his crush on Sam is understandable. “Blaine. You miss Kurt. You need some place to put your love, right?” Yeah, because that’s a healthy attitude. She insists that they go to the dance together, and just have an awesome time as friends. Blaine allows himself to be dragged off the floor, and agrees.
Rachel clutches Kurt as they stroll along Fifth Avenue together. Kurt opts out of crashing her meet-up with Brody, and Rachel waxes lyrical about the someday-soon when Kurt will meet the new man of his dreams and double-date with her and Brody. She feels like it’s coming soon, and Kurt admits that he kind of has his eye on someone, but is trying to figure out if the guy likes him in return. Yet another montage occurs, of Adam encountering Kurt around NYADA and casually passing out compliments – “Cat on A Hot Tin Roof?” Adam enquires, as he catches Kurt reading for the Tennessee Williams play-reading group. “You’d make a fantastic Brick, you kind of look like a young Paul Newman.” Adam, I already adore you but if you think Kurt Hummel could play Brick Pollitt you’re more delusional than Tina. “Hey Kurt, nice plié!” he offers, passing (or lurking) Kurt’s ballet practice. Kurt brushes this off, muttering about his ex being the better dancer in their relationship, but Adam patiently takes it in stride, saying “Let’s try this again.” He repeats the compliment, staring into Kurt’s eyes via the mirror, and Kurt turns to face him, accepting the compliment properly.
Upon recounting these anecdotes to Rachel, she declares that Adam definitely likes Kurt and that if he doesn’t make a move, Kurt should take matters into his own hands and ask Adam out. It will be worth it, Rachel promises, as there’s nothing like being in love in New York City. Kurt seems a bit perturbed by her sudden switch from casual liking to love. “What can I say? Things move fast here! It’s not like high school,” she calls to him as she leaves him to cross the street. “Says the girl who almost got married before graduation!” Kurt cups his hand to yell at her across traffic, and I am reminded why I adore him.
Puck’s attempt to get Kitty to back off of his brother results in the Cheerio admitting that she doesn’t actually like Jake, she just likes getting what she wants, so Kitty asks “vintage Puckerman” to be her date to the Sadie Hawkins dance instead. Puck agrees, and the pair try to out-badass each other in a plot line that is sure to be enriching and relevant and not at all problematic. The actual event takes place a few days later – apparently the planning and execution of a school dance happens in the course of a week, and let’s not even start on the unrealistically budgeted decorations. Would it kill this show to have a school event that legitimately looks like a school event, like some balloons and sad crepe paper or whatever? Do they realise that we would like it better if it was more realistic? And it would cost them less money! Everyone wins!
Tina and Blaine enter and affirm their decision to come together, with Blaine claiming he has no post-traumatic stress disorder about his past Sadie Hawkins experience – well, that was a could-have-been interesting plot line wrapped up neatly and dismissed, never to be seen again – and Tina leads Blaine up to the stage where he takes his place with the rest of the New Directions guys to perform TLC’s “No Scrubs.” It may be the best thing to ever happen in the history of Glee. Seriously, I refuse to believe the glee club is unpopular. Whenever those guys do their boy-band thing at a school event, everyone goes nuts for them.
Marley and Jake dance around happily to the DJ-piped music, proclaiming each others’ awesomeness. It seems that Jake accepting her invitation gave Marley a backbone, as she tells Jake that she really likes him but that she needs him to commit to being with her exclusively, and that she’d need to take things slowly. She says that if he can’t do that, then she can’t be involved with him. It isn’t whiny, it’s very matter-of-fact and she tells him with a smile, and it’s kind of weird but kind of awesome. He’s about to answer when she has to rush off, presumably to prepare for the performance that’s going to come up in a few scenes’ time. Coach Beiste finds a group of dateless girls – mostly the Too Young To Be Bitter club, Zizes, Sugar, Dottie (who’s apparently crushing on Stoner Brett and squeaks when he appears) – and once again is the only one on the show to express things in a way that stands out as a lesson to stick with them for life, not just for this week’s theme. “Life’s not about waiting to be asked, and neither is this dance. Now get out there and get what’s yours. Just remember one thing. The worst he could say is no.”
At this statement, we cut to Kurt, who spots Adam on a staircase landing at NYADA and pulls himself up short, pretending to tie a shoelace, considering. The scene cuts between the girls “finding their power” and Kurt waiting for Adam to notice him. He does, and jogs over, claiming he was just thinking about Kurt. “Thoughts on a Sondheim super-mashup, like, epic to the power of epic we’ll-all-probably-die-while-singing-it. You in?” Adam, your run-on sentences are my new favourite thing on this planet, and Kurt agrees as he says yes, he’s in. Lauren Zizes asks Joe Hart to dance, (okay then…) Sugar asks Artie, her one-that-got-away, and throws herself onto his lap, and as Adam turns to leave, Kurt asks Adam if he’d ever like to get a drink, or a coffee. Adam says yes, of course, and gives Kurt his number.
Blaine twirls Tina around, being all classy, complimenting the evening and loving her new attitude. “I love your… everything. You’re perfect,” she counters with, which.. wow, okay, was intense, and he teases and dips her, saying “oh, Tina Cohen-Chang, where have you been all my life?” “Right here,” she responds seriously, and Blaine’s demeanour changes. At least Tina, or possibly both of them, lean in slightly to kiss when Sam Evans saves the day by running in to pull Blaine away, oblivious of the kiss but yelling that there has been a major breakthrough in the case. The case? Oh, yeah, the Warblers, you’re actually making that an actual plot. Okay, continue. Blaine lingers for a second, apologising to Tina, but “Did you not hear me? Let’s GO” Sam screams at him, and he runs after the other boy, leaving Tina disappointed and alone, as per usual for her. “You can dance with us,” Sugar offers magnanimously from Artie’s lap, and yes, Tina, go be in a threesome relationship with Artie and Sugar, that would actually be really awesome and certainly more sensible than actively pursuing a gay guy.
The New Directions girls then take the stage for that number that Marley ran off for several scenes ago, and they perform “Locked Out of Heaven.” Jake watches Marley appreciatively – not surprising as the song involves grinding against the microphone stands and the eyebrow-raising repeated line “your sex takes me to paradise,” which seems very odd given some of the things that Glee has chosen to censor in the past – and Puck enters the dance with Kitty.
“Look, I usually avoid dating Jewish guys on account of your people killing m’Jesus,” Kitty bluntly and hysterically tells her date. “I was willing to make an exception because of your biceps but I’m gonna have to end this little experiment in religious tolerance if you don’t stop dancing like an idiot.” “One night with me and you’ll be studying for your Bat Mitzah,” he claims, and she laughs, saying no chance, she likes bacon too much. They both clearly find each other quite hilarious and if this ends up actually being a “bad guys who find love when they meet their match in one another” I am going to scream and cry and throw things on behalf of Quinn Fabray because just, no. Quinn and Puck are my one true endgame pairing on this show, their love was special, and do we remember the fact that Kitty was intensely creepy and like, idolised Quinn so much that she wanted to get inside her skin and wear her as clothing?
If Kitty and Puck become a thing it is going to be weird and wrong, even if it’s all sweet and “oh look, someone believes in me!” when Kitty admits that she liked Puck’s screenplay and that she believes he could be a writer. They then decide to blow this popsicle stand and go have sex in Kitty’s car. I wonder if we will be getting a statutory rape storyline, as Kitty’s definitely not a senior and admitted to not being legal. But you know, the way they talk to each other is all cute and upfront, so it’s okay, right Glee? Jake watches them go and shakes his head, as do we all.
Sam’s dragged Blaine off to the locker rooms. Sadly, it’s not to make out. The pair show Finn photos of all of the Warblers – not just the new leader, Hunter – over a time lapse, and explain the reasonable logistics of natural muscle gain versus steroid enhancement over the time period that they were investigating. They also produce a video of Hunter showing off some serious roid-rage at the Lima Bean, throwing the biscotti all across the floor. Blaine shows Finn the show choir handbook’s retroactive rule about use of performance-enhancing drugs, so if they can prove the Warblers were doping, they would be stripped of their win and, apparently, New Directions would be back in the competition. (Would they? Seeing as they were disqualified too, so the team that came second, the Rosedale Mennonites, would be the winners advancing to Regionals?)
This kind of error prompts Ryan Murphy to advise fans to keep calm and remember that this is just a TV show, which, fair enough, but no other show I have ever followed has contained the sheer volume of canonical inconsistencies and you think by now they’d be trying, a little bit, to improve on that, to make the writing tight enough or well-thought-out-enough in advance to avoid the million little questions about consistency that always come up?
Anyway, Finn tells them how serious the accusation is and how risky it would be to take on the Warblers, one of the most respected groups in the country, with just this circumstantial evidence. He says they need real proof, and Blaine admits that they have some. Guys. You had actual proof? Next time, lead with that. Blaine and Sam snap their fingers in unison, and out of the shadows comes Trent Warbler – Dominic Barnes, the “Round-Face Warbler” Sam had pointed out as being missing from the Sectionals performance. “I knew when Trent didn’t perform with the Warblers at Sectionals that something was up,” Blaine explains. “Yeah, he is kind of like the sunshine of the group, in’t he?” Finn smiles. Blaine agrees, and it is the most blatant and beautiful fanservice to all those Warbler fangirls out there who obsess over the Dalton regulars, and Trent has been around since the very start.
Trent then goes on to explain what happened. “Blaine and I joined the Warblers together. It was a band of brothers. A group joined by harmony and honor. And then Blaine left, and Sebastian came, and Hunter.. they just chipped away at everything that was good and special about us.” Trent goes on to admit that Hunter introduced the human growth hormone shots, that winning was everything to him and that everyone took the shots, or they didn’t perform. We see a blurry flashback to the Warblers getting dosed up – Nick, Jeff, all the regulars – but Trent refusing to take the injections. “The Warblers mean everything to me and it’s killing me to betray them,” he admits to the McKinley guys, and Blaine assures his friend that he’s not the one betraying the Warblers – Hunter was the one to do that. Trent is saving them.
It’s an oddly beautiful and satisfying moment of pay-off and explanation for all the Dalton Academy fans out there who have been horrified to see the Warblers go from something so noble and good-natured to something so villainous. Trent fears being the one to ruin Dalton’s reputation, but Sam claims that the Warblers already did that when they decided to cheat to win, and Trent concedes to that with a shrug. Finn gently asks if he will agree to testify against the Warblers, and Trent looks uncertain.
In the Bushwick apartment, Rachel lays out a dinner for two and sits at the table. A while later, she’s slumped on the table when there’s a knock at the door. It’s Brody, who is 45 minutes late. Rachel starts laying into him for being late and to herself for putting up with such mediocrity in her personal life as she dramatically clears the table. “You know, six months ago, I probably would have just smiled and reheated this all up for you, and I would have been grateful that you showed up at all,” she informs him, throwing the salad – the one thing that didn’t need reheating – into the trash. Brody is taken aback, surprised that she’s so angry, and says his train was late. She does not accept the excuse, and continues to assert herself, or whatever this is meant to be – it just looks like a different brand of Rachel crazy.
Brody eventually grabs her and turns her, telling her that she’s right, and charms her by saying that though the train platform had been freezing, he had just been thinking about her – that he would have waited all night for the train that would be taking him to her. She’s suitably mollified and says she can probably reheat the food, but he doesn’t want to eat – he wants to dance, to the imaginary music of Ryder singing “I Only Have Eyes For You” back at the Sadie Hawkins dance.
As Jake and Marley slow-dance to music they can actually hear, Jake tells Marley that he wants to be with her, properly and officially and exclusively, and they kiss. Blaine rushes back in to find his date, Tina, and treats her to a final dance as well, while he sadly watches Sam over Tina’s shoulder. Back in New York, Rachel and Brody finish their dance and he swears never to be late for her again, and offers to get an apartment out in Bushwick instead of Manhattan. I legitimately thought that this was a joke, and then Rachel asks him, dead serious, “why don’t you just move in?” Er, what?
To end the episode, the ladies of the Too Young To Be Bitter club hold a final meeting to announce their disbanding, due to Tina’s Sadie Hawkins dance giving them their swag back. Lauren Zizes was apparently so empowered by her snagging of Joe Hart that she’s applied for a wrestling scholarship at Harvard. Um, the Lauren Zizes I remember would have never needed an excuse or male validation to do something like that, but… whatever. Freshman Dottie thinks Stoner Brett really likes her – he’s even baked her some brownies! Oh my god, can that couple be the entire plot of season 5? Seriously? Becky announces that she got to third base with her date, another student with Downs Syndrome, so that’s kind of politically incorrect in a way that’s not edgy, just inappropriate, and just between us girls, Tina thinks she’s found the love of her life. “What? You’re not talking about Gay Blaine?” Becky shrieks, which… yeah, what, Tina? You’re not talking about Blaine, right? No, you totally are. This is going to be a thing. Jesus Christ.