Which Game of Thrones relationship wins the golden crown for most ick-inducing? Hint: it’s not twincest!
It’s Valentine’s Day you beautiful bastards, which means it’s time to deliver those sweet-smelling Highgarden roses to your favorite sun-and-stars, and bring out the good stash of that Dornish wine. Today is a day to celebrate relationships, and no cast of characters quite gets our hearts thumping like the colorful Westeros crew.
So whether you’re betrothed this Valentine’s Day or choosing to man the Wall for the safety of the Realm, gather up as we rate the inappropriateness level of 15 of our favorite(?) Game of Thrones couplings! (Note: This scale is entirely based on a scientific rating system that involves long and complicated calculations, and definitely did not just come out of my head.)
Warning: while this post does not contain spoilers for anything beyond season 3 of ‘Game of Thrones’, it does assume that you have a basic knowledge of some key book 1, 2, and 3 differences, mainly regarding characters’ ages.
15) Ned/Catelyn
They’re totes fine. There’s nothing wrong with this couple, except for the fact that they give each other terrible advice and trust far too much in the good of humanity. As possibly the only happily married pair in the Seven Kingdoms, Ned and Catelyn are the Westerosi power couple that warms romantic Northern hearts. I mean, they do have that whole awkward bastard thing tearing them apart, and it is a little weird how she spent most of her adolescence pining after his hotter older brother Brandon, whom she was supposed to marry before he died a terrible, tragic, noble, manly death. But it’s not like Catelyn’s not over either of those things. It’s totally a coincidence that Bran(don) is the child she dotes on to the point of ignoring her sobbing four year-old. That’s obviously not reflective on anything.
Taboo: umm, none? They are perfect together and it is too bad they are dead.
Inappropriateness Scale: 1/10
14) Arya/Gendry
She’s a lady. He’s a bastard. And while our favorite little she-wolf does have a special fondness for bastards, these two would definitely be pushing the boundaries of societal expectations to the extreme — even if he is Robert’s baseborn son, with the sparkly blue eyes, shiny black hair, and hefty warhammer arms to prove it. These two are totes adorbz with their snarky one-liners and wrestling romps, and considering Arya is pretty much losing her humanity piece by little piece as she trudges through the hellhole that is war-torn Westeros, Gendry’s one of the few people left in the world who knows how to bring out the best in our girl.
Taboo: social class problemz :’(
Inappropriateness Scale: 3 ½/10.
13) Sam/Gilly
As a Man of the Night’s Watch, Sam is expressly forbidden to crush on the daughter-wife of Creepy Craster, but that doesn’t stop him from honoring his oath to protect her as an innocent person seeking refuge from the Night’s Watch. She teaches him about the facts of life, and he impresses her with his worldliness. She’s clever, and brave, and all of the things he wishes he could be, and he’s kind, and caring, and not feeding her child to the White Walkers. They’d make the sweetest couple in the Seven Kingdoms if he didn’t have that pesky black cloak to think of.
Taboo: oath-breaking
Inappropriateness Scale: 5/10
12) Jaime/Brienne
Setting everything else aside, obviously this duo is perfect. She’s kind of grumpy, he’s kind of a dick, but somehow they bring out the best in each other. Despite the jabs they make at each other’s expense, each has found in the other someone who understands both the painful character-assassination of unjustified dishonor, and the daily struggle to strive to emulate the true qualities of a knight. Unfortunately, because of their high regard for knighthood, it doesn’t seem like this ship is going to be sailing anytime soon. As a white cloak in the Kingsguard, trysts of any kind are deeply inappropriate for Jaime.
Taboo: oath-breaking
Inappropriateness Scale: 5/10
11) Stannis/Melisandre
Ugh, this couple is so gross, but if the wife is totes okay with the infidelity, then does it even count as inappropriate? It seems like Selyse kind of likes having Melisandre as a sister-wife. So, they might get some wiggle-room with the infidelity thing, but considering they did still definitely conspire to kill his brother with a weird shadow creature that popped out of her uterus, I’m going to go ahead and say this relationship is somewhat inappropriate.
Taboo: infidelity, making gross shadow babies
Inappropriateness Scale: 6/10
10) Renly/Loras
They’re pretty much the two coolest guys in Westeros, so it’s a damn shame the entire relationship is based on a king falling in love with his brother-in-law, who happens to be a knight in his Rainbow Guard. Like her sister-in-law, Selyse, Margaery seems to be very aware of her husband’s extra-curricular activities, and doesn’t mind them as long as he gets his job done of putting a baby in her belly. But besides the infidelity that no one seems to care all that much about, Loras is also technically a member of Renly’s Kingsguard, which traditionally in Westeros has been comprised of “chaste” knights devoted to the protection of their king. Then again, it could be said that BECAUSE he’s taking care of his king’s needs, he’s fully living up to his oaths as Lord Commander of Renly’s Kingsguard. #perspective?
Taboo: oath-breaking, infidelity
Inappropriateness Scale: 6/10
9) Jon/Dany
Okay, so they’ve never actually interacted before… and they’re continents apart… and they don’t even know that the other exists. They aren’t technically a real canon relationship, but they are kind of my conspiracy theory dream couple, and since I’m the one writing this article, I can do whatever I want. Like his buddy Sam, our favorite bastard is a Man of the Night’s Watch, which means hot women are a big no-no. Then there is that whole thing where, if the conspiracy theorists ARE right, he’s probably her cousin anyway. Of course, if they are Targaryens, cousins isn’t even a close enough familial tie to be TRULY incest-legit. The blood of the dragon must be preserved! For a true Targaryen, incest can only be a bonus.
Taboo: oath-breaking and (probably) incest
Inappropriateness Scale: 6 ¼/10
8) Jon/Ygritte
He’s an honorable man of the Night’s Watch, and she’s just a girl, standing in front of a boy, hoping to kill all his friends. It’s like Romeo and Juliet if Romeo was a monk and Juliet was a clingy wildling. We’ve gone over the oath-breaking before, and how it’s totes inappropriate, but really the clincher here is that Ygritte is literally attempting to kill everyone that Jon’s sworn to protect. Nothing good can come from playing with (kissed-by) fire.
Taboo: oath-breaking, feuding families
Inappropriateness Scale: 7/10
Which Game of Thrones couple earned the coveted spot of ‘Most Inappropriate’? Turn to page 2 to find out!
7) Tyrion/Shae
Their relationship makes me uncomfortable on a very basic level, because the mere fact that Tyrion is paying for Shae to stay with him and be his personal whore kind of feels like a form of indentured servitude that she would have a lot of trouble getting out of. This imbalance of power is kind of icky, as is the fact that Tyrion is basically buying the woman he loves. And you know, you can’t buy me love.
Then there’s that whole thing where Tyrion’s married now, so more inappropriateness, though it is seriously doubtful that Sansa gives a shiz with whom Tyrion gets his groove on, but mostly the reason this relationship is so inappropriate is because the Pops expressly forbade whores in King’s Landing. And making Daddy Tywin angry? That’s just about the stupidest thing anyone can do. Like ever. Have you heard “The Rains of Castamere,” Tyrion? It’s a lovely little number that gets played to people who piss Tywin Lannister off, right before he goes and destroys their world.
Taboo: infidelity, prostitution, class problemz :’(, Daddy Tywin said NO WHORES
Inappropriateness Scale: 7 ½/10
6) Robb/his Wife
Robb broke an oath and everyone died. That sux. And I hate to be THATGIRL, but at least in the books there’s a real sense that Robb understands the gravity of his mistake, and that he acted out of mourning for his “dead” brothers and in an attempt to preserve an innocent girl’s honor. Also, he didn’t have his momma around to be like NO ROBB, so poor choices are more understandable, if still incredibly stupid. In the show though, he’s just like LOVE LOVE LOVE, like he basically forgot for a minute there that you know, he’s fighting a giantass war to avenge his father’s death and there are thousands upon thousands of lives at stake.
In truth, they are really not that terrible of a couple. The Nurse is fine, even if she thinks it’s funny that she’s Queen of the North and doesn’t know where Winterfell is. (Jeyne Westerling would never pull that shiz.) And they would have made a great long-term couple with trust and love and stuff, except it’s tough to ignore the HORRIBLE TRUTH that Robb broke his oath when he was totes betrothed, and though his reasons may have been noble, his behavior was stupid. And so while I realize that they are not that terrible of a couple, I still hold a lot of resentment towards their stupidity. I’m sure I will get over it eventually. But not yet, because the Greatjon, and Greywind, and Dacey Mormont are dead, and they were total bamfs #whatisdeadmayneverdie.
Taboo: oath-breaking, infidelity, stupidity
Inappropriateness Scale: Jeyne Westerling: 8/10, The Nurse: 8 ½/10 (I just like Jeyne Westerling better, okay?)
5) Jaime/Cersei
I know! Amazing! But twincest only comes in at Numbah 5 on our countdown to the most unfortunate relationships on Game of Thrones. That’s because twincest, while totally gross, does not, in “theory,” hurt either party when they are two consenting adults. The Targaryens did it for years and they were fine, except for the occasional fire-obsessed mad-man lunatic king. Which is kind of the point. Putting aside the oath-breaking, infidelity, and small children thrown out of windows in the name of this taboo love, the worst thing to come from this relationship was that they produced a totally crazy-insane kid that gets his kicks by cutting out people’s tongues and harpooning whores.
Taboo: incest, oath-breaking, infidelity, defenestrating children
Inappropriateness Scale: 9½/10
4) Sansa/Joffrey
Joffrey is the worst. He’s just so gross. So, he kills his fiance’s dad, cool, then forces her to go stare at his decapitated head on a spike. Charming. For the majority of their relationship, Joffrey gets a twisted pleasure out of putting Sansa through hell by physically, emotionally, and sexually abusing her. In one of his most dreamboat moments, he strips her naked at court and publicly has her flogged.
Taboo: physical abuse, emotional abuse, killing all her family
Inappropriateness Scale: 10/10
3) Tyrion/Sansa
Tyrion is so cool, but unfortunately, marrying a minor against their consent is not. This relationship could definitely have gone a lot worse, but the premise itself of a young girl being trafficked into a marriage to an older man by the people who killed her entire family is squirm-inducing enough to earn one of the top spots on this list. Ironically enough, under different circumstances, these two could definitely become the power couple of Westeros with his brains, her charm, and both their families’ influence, but until Sansa becomes an adult, we’re filing this under the deeply inappropriate category.
Taboo: pedophilia, killing all her family
Inappropriateness Scale: 12/10 while Sansa’s a minor (4/10 when she’s not anymore)
2) Sansa/The Hound
Can we all just agree that Sansa’s life sucks? The Hound definitely has some hero-worthy moments when he saves her in King’s Landing, but #controversialfandomopinions time, his obsession with his tween-dream Little Bird is definitely creepy. Thank goodness his personality as a whole was toned down in the television show, because it makes him more sympathetic and watchable, but during the Battle of Blackwater in A Clash of Kings, Sandor comes to the brink of raping Sansa himself before she sings him her song. So, no, this isn’t exactly WUVTWUEWUV at its most idyllic. What we would have here with a SanSan union would be an incredibly inappropriate relationship between a grownass killing machine and a disillusioned little girl who doesn’t know where to place her trust anymore.
Taboo: pedophilia, sexual assault
Inappropriateness Scale: 57/10
1) Dany/Khal Drogo
Oh wow! Look at the beautiful sunset! So romantic! Oh wait, this was right before Drogo pretty much forced himself onto his new wife, right? And no, the fact that he added in some foreplay in the books does not really detract from the fact that it is super inappropriate (and just plain wrong) to sell someone into sex slavery. But they fell in love! the Internet cries. Truth is, Dany is a survivor, and she did what she had to, both consciously and unconsciously, to make it out alive. She’s a tough cookie and a smart girl, so she used her wits to basically trick Drogo into falling in love with her so that she would be treated better. But she was also young and naive (only 13 in the books) and having rarely experienced what genuine love from any human being felt like, it was easy for her to fall in love with her captor (like in Stockholm syndrome) as a means of keeping herself sane. And did we already mention slavery? Because that’s never okay.
Taboo: pedophilia, sexual assault, slavery
Inappropriateness Scale: 432/10
Season 4 of Game of Thrones returns to HBO on April 6th to bring us more delightfully inappropriate relationships!