As the author of a zombie book, people are always asking me what to do in the event of a zombie attack. Maybe it’s because they think I’m an expert, or maybe it’s because my shirt says, “Ask me what to do in case of zombie attack.” Hey, I didn’t think anyone would actually READ it.

Either way, people ask me, and I’m happy to oblige with some useful zombocalypse survival tips, but I think the reality is that most people already know basic survival techniques. Once you’ve watched a few Walking Dead commercials, you kind of get the gist, right? I think what gets people killed in zombie apocalypses (because, you know, they happen so often) is the opposite side of the coin. Maybe instead of talking about what you SHOULD do when the dead rise, we should talk a little about what you SHOULDN’T do if you want to live.

So, without further ado, here are five things you SHOULDN’T do when zombies attack unless you want to be eliminated from the gene pool in which case please bring a camera so we can see what happens.

1. The Thriller dance is fun. I know it is. But I don’t care if your red leather jacket with all the zippers is made out of freaking Kevlar; it’s still not going to protect all your gnawable bits, unless you got the red leather full body jacket that zips all the way up over your head. Frankly, I’d pay good money to watch somebody do the Thriller dance with real zombies while wearing a red Kevlar body condom…with zippers. Somebody please tell me that I’m not alone in that?

2. Please PLEASE take a minute to think about your weapons. If you can’t shoot a gun, get a steel baseball bat. Don’t walk out there thinking you can automatically shoot from the hip like Dirty Harry just because you play first person shooters on the PS3. Conversely, walking out into the streets with nothing but a grocery bag full of marshmallows and Twinkies doesn’t do you much good unless you plan to build a wall out of them. Actually, no. That wouldn’t really work either.

3. Please repeat after me. I AM NOT A NINJA. Because you aren’t. Unless you really are, in which case you might as well repeat it anyway because it will confuse your enemies. But really, taking one kung fu class doesn’t make you a ninja. And neither does repeatedly screaming, “Ki-YAH!” as you leap toward the zombies with a pair of plastic nunchucks from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles action set. Because dude, ninjas don’t scream Ki-YAH. They’re silent. Because they’re NINJAS.

4. Pretending you’re dead and lurching across the street never works in the movies, and this is one case in which I think the movies actually have it right…unless you’re a thespian. (And if you’re a thespian ninja, I REALLY WANT TO HANG OUT WITH YOU.) Think of it this way. If you can’t even fool your best friend into thinking you’re super angry when you’re secretly amused, do you really want to trust your continued survival to your acting chops? I thought not.

5. Zombies are not sexy. Not even when they’re covered in sparkly makeup and sneak into your bedroom to watch you sleep. DON’T GO THERE, FRIEND. THIS IS ONE TIME WHEN YOU WANT SOMEONE WHO ISN’T INTERESTED IN YOUR BRAINS.

I also have lots of other advice, like “Lawn flamingos don’t make good stabby weapons” and “Tactical bacon isn’t as good as regular bacon, but it’s better than nothing,” but those are the basic survival things you need to know. What other advice do you have?

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Senior year is positively hair-raising.