Without question, The Expendables 2 is quite simply the most satisfying film you will see all year, perhaps ever.

I have a strong affinity for action movies; I can remember earnestly flicking through the pages of the TV guide each week when I was a child, hoping to catch an Arnold Schwarzenegger title, or if nothing else, at least a good Van Damme flick (if such a thing existed). I love the violence, the shooting, the fighting, the cheese, the explosions, the general lack of any coherent plot, the fact that guns never seem to run out of bullets and the clichéd signature lines that would feature in every film. I love it all.

The first Expendables originally offered quite an ensemble cast and featured a scene with the three icons of action: Stallone, Willis and Schwarzenegger; the big three. The film provided the best bits of all classic action movies but if it could be faulted for anything (in fairness, it could be faulted for a lot), it was perhaps that it took itself a little bit too seriously. Nonetheless, I claim it to be a victory in the name of action. So much so that when the sequel was announced, I actually threatened our movie critics here at Hypable with punishment should they even consider reviewing it badly. Leaving them torn, they were facing a dilemma: forsake their critical dignity (not that they would need to since the movie was obviously going to be spectacular), or forsake their jobs. Neither side could win, so I’m having to write my first movie review, as a result as everybody else refused. I suspect Jeremy just didn’t want to spend the money on a film he was destined to hate. We will not forget this; he will suffer.

Anyway, The Expendables 2 is more of a movie that the average mind can possibly comprehend. You might have seen it and thought you didn’t enjoy it but this is your subconscious playing tricks on you. You DID enjoy it, you just might not realise it yet.

More seriously, The Expendables 2 is all I could ever hope for in an action movie. The pace is often relentless at times, the shooting is aplenty and Stallone managed to bring out all of the big names this time and for a satisfying length of time too. Willis and Schwarzenegger are given significant roles, not to mention the inclusion of Chuck Norris (Internet Legend) brings the cheesiness level to a new high. So much so that he actually told a Chuck Norris Internet joke himself.

The Expendables 2 does not take itself seriously in any way, shape or form and a good thing too. It is so riddled with clichés and once again lacks anything that even resembles a plot. Make no mistake about it, The Expendables 2 is not a good movie or even close to it. But it is not supposed to be. It is supposed to be an all-out action movie with aging stars. It is supposed to be about almost parodying the glory days of the ’80s when those big named individuals shot aliens, massacred people with machetes in the jungle or defeated terrorists on top of skyscrapers. It is supposed to be bad.

However, if a film has you sitting forward in your seat in the cinema, grinning and cheering like a child once again as you hear your favorite one-liners delivered, then that film has achieved what it set out to do and you can ask no more of it. The Expendables 2 was worse than most movies I’ve seen this year, but my God, it was more enjoyable than all of them put together.

Grade: A