Only five short years ago, I first heard the word “Twilight” in relation to a popular series of books instead of its more typical meaning of “that time just before it’s dark.”

My best friend and roommate at the time was completely absorbed in the books, was fully stoked for the then-upcoming film adaptation, and was very excited for me to match his enthusiasm as quickly as possible.

This was the guy that first introduced me to Marvel, Batman, and comic books in general, so I was genuinely interested in jumping on board the bandwagon with him. I was ready to start reading right then and there, but his books were loaned to another friend, so I agreed to wait.

That’s around the time that the internet decided to start hating Twilight as a collective group.

I was unsure if I wanted to begin my adventure only to be disappointed, and then my girlfriend (who I’m almost certain is capable of reading two books at the exact same time) blew through them in a few days and reported back that they were “okay.”

At that point, I was sure that I didn’t want to make the time commitment.

Five years later and I know completely nothing about the franchise, other than vampires and werewolves…and somehow baseball. So without further ado, my ignorance:

Everything I know about ‘Twilight’

It all takes place at high school

I’m pretty sure that Twilight was on at a party once, and there was a lot of high-school type scenery involved in the first couple of scenes. Lockers, desks, bunsen burners and the like.

I imagine that Bella is a typical girl going to a typical school, when one day, this pale sullen dude shows up and she’s all like “whaaaaat,” and he’s all like “I’m dark and mysterious,” and she’s like “I’m on board!” Then she probably fails all of her classes, but that doesn’t matter because she has a vampire boyfriend. Weeeeeeeeee!

Bella is a secret vampire

Here’s where I’ll try to explain the lore of Twilight without knowing anything about it. Some unfair comparisons have been made between Twilight and Harry Potter and I imagine it’s because Bella has some ancient vampire blood deep inside of her that Edward (yeah, I know his name) can recognize.

Hell, that’s probably why he was sent to the school in the first place. So in this version, Edward is hot-Hagrid and he comes to the school to tell Bella that her bloodline is part vampire. Or maybe that’s something that will be revealed in the last book and we don’t know why he came to get her initially.

Edward saves Bella from a car

This scene was in all the trailers, so I know that this is a big moment in the books. Plus, I used to subscribe to “Team ‘Guy who almost hit Bella with his car’” on Facebook before it all just became cheap wall advertising. So vampires are super strong, super fast, and drivers in the Twilight world don’t give a shit about body damage.


“Sorry, what was that? A car? Where?!”

Though if Bella was a vampire, would the car have hurt her? Do they have to brace for impact in order to stop a car mid-vehicular manslaughter? Is this the big part where Edward says “Yer a vampire?” Does she ask him to repeat it because she still has her trendy iPod headphones in her ears? By the way, these thousand-years-undead beings have hella good fashion sense.

And Edward is a special vampire

Not only is Bella special, but so is her new vampire boyfriend. He secretly takes her out to the woods to tell her his secret. Not only is he a vampire, but he’s THE vampire. I imagine that what makes him special is his ultra-bright luminescence, or in other words, his sparkliness. Is the Twilight vampire world like Pokemon cards? The shiny ones are the special ones?


No. 666 – Stalker Pokemon – Pokemon Power: Dies When Exposed to Sunlight

Either way, he’s like, the king of the vampires and it’s a really big deal. This may be when he tells her that she’s a vampire too. Then they totally bone and it’s super awesome middle-of-the-woods sex from there on out. The end.

Just kidding, we have three more books to cover!

How am I doing? Good? Not good? Why are you making that face?

More vampires show up

I work at Hypable, so naturally, I heard a lot of whispers about the franchise on our super secret Facebook page when the movies were still coming out. I remember a poster with a TON of vampires for Breaking Dawn Part 2, so I assume that Edward isn’t the only one. I’ve heard a word used in relation with the other vampires, and it begins with a V. Looking it up would be cheating, so I’m gonna call them the Voltarees.

Is this the word that they use for “vampire” in Twilight? Wait, DO THEY NOT EVEN CALL THEM VAMPIRES?


We are actually no longer called the Voltaree. We just say ni now.

So basically, in my “I’m seriously making this up as I go along” plot for the books, a Voltaree isn’t allowed to be in love with a human. Edward makes the case that she has secret vampire blood from way back, but the answer is still no because she’s been tainted with human blood.

I feel like this is what contributes to the whole “forbidden love” angle, because I know absolutely nothing about if Bella has friends or family to speak of. The decision for her must be pretty easy.

Then a pack of werewolves show up

The werewolves are the ultimate sworn enemy of the vampires. Obviously. I’ve seen enough werewolf/vampire action in the trailers to know that the two never mix well. One in particular is after Bella’s heart as well, but he has exactly one king Voltaree standing in his way. Right?

I don’t know much about these werewolves other than that they are vaguely tied to Native American culture (how much do they play that angle up in the books? It seems like it could be really very interesting), and that they talk to each-other via voice over.

Is this the one where there are were-panthers and stuff? I heard the phrase were-panther once and I’m not sure where it came from or what it was in reference to, but I’m pretty sure it was for Twilight. Do they fight the werewolves too? Is there some sort of bitter rivalry going on there that spans back to the earliest cats and dogs?

What were we talking about again?

Beastiality VS. Necrophilia: The Decision

This is the aspect that I feel most people are able to glean from the series without reading it. Vampire? Werewolf? Which one should Bella choose? Since she’s part vampire, I would assume that she eventually chooses Edward. The trailer for the last one seems to show them all fighting on the same side against a greater force of evil. Mermaids maybe?

Anyway, from the trailers and posters and t-shirts and websites, I can assume that Edward VS Jacob is the biggest struggle in the Twilightverse. I’m not necessarily sure what they’re fighting for, but if the phrase “love triangle” is to be believed, then I guess they’re fighting over Bella. Because they both super like her. The eternal struggle continues.

Okay, now let’s talk about Bella

Keep in mind, I’ve seen the majority of the trailers for the Twilight series and they stand as my only real connection with what happens in the series. So what does Bella do? Like, she’s a secret vampire and she gets pregnant and that’s all a big deal I’m sure, but does she pursue any kind of objective during the story? I mostly see the people around her doing things. Is this a consistent theme? Her kinda looking vaguely disinterested as the other characters do and say things? Okay. Just checking.


Okay, like this face. How many times does she make this face? Tell me. It’s important.

It’s just interesting to me that she’s the main character (I mean, she is, right?) and I feel like I know less about her character than anything else in the story. Does she have any motivations? Passions? Dreams? What is she doing when she’s not clinging to her vampire/werewolf? Is that all she does? I hate to be that kid at the toy store that sneers at the monkey with the cymbals with a bratty “Is that all it’ll do?” but I really hope that she’s just uninteresting as a character and not just a completely catatonic machine of vague emotion.

So, how did I do?

I’ll probably never actually get around to reading the books or watching the movies. Not because I’m a hater, but just because my time on this Earth is only limited to a couple thousand more days and I gotta spend that time doing things that I’m at least pretty sure that I’ll enjoy. That’s fair, right?

If I’m wrong and need my mind changed, please let me know in the comments section below!

More articles from the point of view of people who don’t know things about stuff:

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