Sure we’re already anticipating Fifty Shades of Grey with varying degrees of excitement/dread, but what’s the one thing that’ll definitely make it all better? Ellen DeGeneres.

Fifty Shades of Grey hits cinemas on February 13, 2015, just in time for Valentine’s Day.

We’ve got Jamie Dornan as Christian Grey, the billionaire with an… unusual hobby, and Dakota Johnson as the naive young thing that he sets out to seduce.

That casting’s okay. You know. Whatever. But Ellen DeGeneres had a pretty neat idea for a small alteration: what if she took over the role of Anastasia Steele?

Dakota Johnson who?

The parody aired last night on the The Ellen DeGeneres Show. When presenting it, Ellen acted like the casting was legit. “I am so happy and proud to say I got the lead role,” she told the whooping crowd, “and I am definitely going to be the lead in the movie. They’re acting like it’s Dakota Johnson. It’s not, it’s me. Because no one knows their way around a whip like me.”

Ellen does a pretty good job, distracting Christian with a rant about pears, and exclaiming “Oh hell no!” when she sees his Red Room of Pain.

There’s also a video of hilarious bloopers from the filming process. And don’t forget about that one time she did a live reading from the novel.

We don’t know about you, but we could watch a whole movie about Ellen misinterpreting Jamie Dornan’s suggestive remarks.

Fifty Shades of Grey is based on the book by E.L. James, and directed by Sam Taylor-Johnson.