Week 2 of DWTS was themed around “Hometown Glory,” and while we got to see everyone’s hometown, few contestants achieved any sort of glory.

The quick, no-nonsense first elimination was… Chaka and Keo! The entire elimination took about three minutes, mostly because time was running out, but also because we suspect the producers know no one is especially invested in the couples just yet. The show didn’t bother with having couples in jeopardy or anything, just narrowing it down immediately to two couples who might go home (the other was Garey and Anna).

Chaka wanted to be on an “upward gradient” dancing wise… so she sat while Keo danced around her, then stood while Keo danced around her, then forgot her steps when she actually started dancing. Her scores improved to a 15, so there’s that, but she still landed at the bottom of the leaderboard. This is bad news for Keo, who can’t catch a break – all three seasons, he is either eliminated first or second. The only other pro with an equal number of last or second-to-last place finishes is Jonathan Roberts, and his third such placement was also his last season on the show. Have we seen the last of Keo?

So, let’s welcome our stars and their hometowns! Because we’ve lost all track of which night’s scores count for what elimination, ranks are based on only this Monday night.

First Place, 25 points: Bindi & Derek. Surprising no one, Bindi keeps topping the leaderboard. We don’t see her relinquishing the position anytime soon. (For the record, the most weeks topped by the same contestant is eight, in Seasons 6 and 7 by Kristi Yamaguchi and Brooke Burke respectively.) What was a surprise: Bindi’s fondness for heavy metal. Thus, Bindi honored Australia, heavy metal, and her dad all in one go by tangoing to “You Shook Me All Night Long.” She did a great job, and saw the first nine of the season from Carrie Ann.

Second Place (tie), 24 points: Alexa & Mark. Alexa’s homage to “the salsa-dancing leopards of her hometown” was “wild and wonderful,” per Bruno. Mark is maintaining his bonkers high-concept dances from last season, and Alexa was up to the challenge of a high-octane salsa dressed as a leopard, which combined to be one of the standout numbers of the night.

Second Place (tie), 24 points: Carlos & Witney. Showing a different side this week, Carlos did an excellent and classy Foxtrot, and managed to tie his wife. Both he and Witney are very easily distracted, but that does not seem to be impeding them. We’re surprised he didn’t ask to take Alexa’s leopard costume home as well.

Second Place (tie), 24 points: Tamar & Val. Tamar is a fierce performer, and that was on display in her cha-cha. She and Val disagreed about thrusting this week. She was dancing to “We Are Family,” and did not feel comfortable thrusting her hips on “family.” The judges commented that her eyes glaze over whenever she’s in hold. Frankly, there seem to be a disconnect between her and Val in general, which will either be fixed or will send them home prematurely.

Third Place, 23 points: Alek & Lindsay. We learned two things here: “Don’t Stop Believin’” does not work when truncated to a minute, nor does it work for a jazz routine. The jazz routine just does not have the sharp moments needed to accompany Journey’s crescendos. Regardless, Alek continued to do a great job in the second week. Our favorite moment was his response after getting the scores: “Okay, thank you.” A contestant for whom a score is not a matter of life and death? That’s new!

Fourth Place, 22 points: Hayes & Emma. Despite a superfluous motorbike at the beginning of the routine (seriously, why?), Hayes delivered a good Foxtrot with a surprisingly good quality of movement. He also delivered the first feels of the season when he and his mom teared up over how much they love each other (and Carrie Ann started crying too, because that’s what she does). Could Hayes surprise us all and be the youngest finalist ever?

Fifth Place (tie), 21 points: Nick & Sharna. Nick’s jive was foiled by a pair of slippery shoes, resulting in very messy footwork. Nick’s energy throughout the routine was good, and he handled the slip-up far more gracefully than his younger brother (no tears, just shoes thrown off in anger). Bruno poses the question: does Nick sleep in pajamas or not? Discuss.

Fifth Place (tie), 21 points: Andy & Allison. Andy’s energy as a performer is excellent (as is his rapport with Erin), but as the judges said, his jive was a mess. The timing was off, and the feet were not pointed at all. Also, while it’s Allison’s fault and not his, there was not a single triple-step anywhere in their dance (the triple-step is the basic step of jive). This dance didn’t deserve 21, but maybe the judges agree with Andy – “Dancing is hard.”

Sixth Place (tie), 19 points: Kim & Tony. Well, well, well… perhaps it’s not time to write off Kim just yet! Despite being a “frazzled mess” and texting her multitude of children during rehearsal, Kim delivered a competent quickstep with Tony, and got a score seven points higher than last week’s (one of the biggest such increases ever). Perhaps we’ll be seeing Kim for a few more weeks yet.

Sixth Place (tie), 19 points: Paula & Louis. Erin assured Paula the audience was booing her scores, not Paula herself. We’d say that’s up for debate. A big step up from last week, there were a few moments in Paula’s rhumba that looked halfway-decent – a swivel here, a cucaracha there. It doesn’t quite make up for her feet lifting, her staccato movements, and that unscheduled stop at the end… but it’s a start. Also, we’ve found a use for her should she be eliminated: mixing drinks for the cast!

Seventh Place, 18 points: Garey & Anna. According to Bruno, this “looked like a foxtrot.” I suppose if one closes one eye, tilts his head, and squints, it may have a resemblance to a foxtrot. Otherwise, the dance is a mess, we still have no idea what Garey is talking about, and are more than ready to send him home.

Last Place, 17 points: Victor & Karina. Victor gave his “La Bamba” jive an awful lot of enthusiasm, which did not completely outweigh the lack of technique. He also managed to completely derail the judging by placing a sombrero on his crotch. If that’s all it takes, expect a lot of sombreros next week! We can see Victor sticking around a few weeks as the fun contestant.

Do you share a hometown with any of the stars? Who do you think will be eliminated Tuesday night? And is asking the stars to do two dances in Week 2 of DWTS too much? (Yes)