In the premiere of DWTS season 21, a lot of things were back: four paddles, Anna Trebunskaya, Louis van Amstel, and Backstreet… but unfortunately Len was not back, robbing the ballroom of much of its class and good sense.

The most exciting thing about the interminable premiere was the return of the elusive four paddles! While always a rarity (and usually wielded by Len), the score inflation of the last couple years has made them all but disappear. Tonight, we saw our first four paddle in four seasons, since the disastrous debut of Bill Nye in season 17. The last time we saw multiple four paddles was the DL Hughley debacle of season 16, where he debuted with triple fours.

But tonight, we saw not one but two cases of multiple four paddles! There has not been an instance of multiple contestants receiving fours in a night in twelve entire seasons, since the premiere of season 9 when Michael Irvin and Ashley Hamilton got two and one four paddles, respectively. Whereas having two contestants receive multiple four paddles, as happened tonight, has only happened once before in the show’s entire illustrious history: way back in Season 2’s premiere, when Master P received three fours and Kenny Mayne received two.

For those interested: Bruno has given a four thirteen times before tonight, a three twice, and a two once. These were Julianne’s first fours. Carrie Ann has never, in 21 seasons, given below a four; tonight was her ninth four in the show’s run.

Now that we’ve welcomed back the fours, let’s welcome our new stars!

First Place (tie), 24 points: Bindi & Derek. Now that Derek has added another Emmy to his collection, he’s ready for another Mirrorball. Bindi is a ringer, and in what’s shaping up to be a weak season, she is certainly the one to beat. She delivered a jive of the caliber usually seen in the last few weeks. Bindi is a delightful ball of energy (with an awesome accent to boot).

First Place (tie) 24 points: Nick & Sharna. Both Sharna and Juianne were fangirling because they had Nick all over their walls as kids. Nick is unconvincingly emulating Lance Bass’s strategy: “I’m the boy band member who can’t dance!” Not buying. He allegedly did a cha-cha with Sharna, liberally sprinkled with some Backstreet moves… which would make sense in the inevitable Backstreet Boys tribute, but not so much here. He’s more likable than his younger brother (who whined his way to the quarterfinals), so expect Nick in the finals. We just hope he earns it.

Second Place (tie), 23 points: Tamar & Val. Since winning, Val no longer cares about hair product or staying in shape. Gee, it really shows! Tamar did a decent Quickstep, but her personality is something akin to nails on a chalkboard. On, how we hope we don’t have to listen to her for too many weeks more.

Second Place (tie), 23 points: Carlos & Witney. + Third Place (tie), 22 points: Alexa & Mark. The married couple is being treated like one unit, so we will recap as such. They are both adorable, and finally gave the show a pulse. They’re having lots of fun, and are both good dancers to boot. Both danced the jive, and both did routines filled with content. Carlos’s performance was more forgiving, since he wore pants instead of tights, whereas all of Alexa’s footwork was prominently displayed for scrutiny. Favorite moment of the night was Carlos saying he’ll ask the wardrobe department to borrow Alexa’s skimpy dress for home, to which Alexa replied with a mortified shriek, “Carlos PenaVega!”

Third Place (tie), 22 points: Alek & Lindsay. A classy and elegant foxtrot, no frills, good choreography – Alek is off to a very good start. There’s also something very endearing about him as the everyman thrust into the bizarre world of DWTS. We peg him as the dark horse to make the finals alongside Bindi and Nick, as there’s a good chance he’ll muscle out the PenaVegas.

Fourth Place (tie), 21 points: Andy & Allison. Andy delivered an elegant foxtrot, though as Julianne insightfully said, his posture needs major work. He also played his emotional card a bit early – he’s doing the show for his dead mother (as is half the cast, it seems). He has good banter with Erin, and seems the designated heartthrob of the season (though he’s also the “sensitive guy,” and may be upstaged by Alek). He could go far, mostly depending on Allison’s choreography (we’re not optimistic).

Fourth Place (tie), 21 points: Hayes & Emma. Hayes was the first halfway-promising contestant to dance tonight, which earned him a lot of accidental goodwill. After three seasons with old men (and one with RedFoo), Emma is now the old one in the partnership, and way out of touch with the kids at the ripe old age of 26. Her disconnect with Hayes and “kids these days” is hilarious, and there could be a lot of fun had in the partnership. Hayes even has a signature move – the T-rex! His dancing is decent, though I thought he was dancing a contemporary until the judges said “cha-cha.“ He keeps harping on about the ladies, but allowances must be made for fifteen-year-olds. Carrie Ann has realized that were she thirty years younger, she’d still be a cougar for pursuing Hayes. This is going to get real uncomfortable real fast…

Fifth Place (tie), 15 points: Victor & Karina. We now reach the lower echelon of talent. Even Carrie Ann called this number out for having zero salsa content – the first number in a post-Len ballroom was a raunchy mess full of messing about. The judges did work hard to include every possible “riding” double entendre, perhaps fearing Victor would be eliminated before they got to their best material. Bonus round: Victor’s short! The show’s milking the visual gag for all it’s worth – look, he’s eye-level with Karina’s chest! In most other seasons, Victor would be sent packing right away, especially (as the first to dance) since he is long-forgotten by the show’s end. But there’s so many bad dancers this time around, he may be safe for weeks to come.

Fifth Place (tie), 15 points: Paula & Louis. Paula Deen is quite the big personality, with a revolting baby voice omnipresent in her verbal diarrhea.  After being bodily dragged around the dance floor by Louis, she decided to share that she wet her pants. Ugh, poor Louis. (This did lead to fun sharing from Nick about when his pants split open onstage revealing underwear. He should’ve told Lenny Kravitz that.)

Fifth Place (tie), 15 points: Gary & Anna. Someone explain to us who this incoherent walking trainwreck is? We’re not quite sure what happened here, but it wasn’t pretty. Not even having the fiery Anna Trebunskaya dancing around him could salvage this.

Sixth Place, 13 points: Chaka & Keo. Oh dear, we’re getting déjà vu of Patti LaBelle – a very respectable music diva who barely moves, but stays on because everyone is “thrilled” and “honored” by her presence. Having no idea who she is, this writer actually watched the dancing… or an attempt at dancing, anyway.

Last Place, 12 points: Kim & Tony. While definitely winning for Best Costumes (from Tony’s “casual line,” quipped Tom), the couple’s salsa was performed in slow motion.  Not only is Kim bursting into tears at any given opportunity, she’s also doing the whole “OMG, dancing with a man not my husband is weeeeird!” Oy vey. To illustrate how bad a score this is: this is only the seventh 12 ever awarded in the show’s history, with only one instance of a lower score (Master P receiving an 8). Kim’s in the illustrious company of DL Hughley, Buzz Aldrin, Jeffrey Ross, Tucker Carlson, Master P, and Michael Bolton, making this the lowest score for a female contestant EVER.

Who are your early favorites? Who do you want to go home early? And whose man-bun is better, Carlos’s or Mark’s?