We were promised a hot Latin night on DWTS, but got a rather lukewarm one. Some routines were as smooth as Val’s freshly waxed chest, some could not even be saved by divine Cloris Leachman intervention, and one underdog stepped up to give it everything tonight.

To faithful readers, I apologize for my absence, and what a shame that I missed two very good weeks, only to return to this mess. The guest irritant, I mean judge, of the week was Pitbull, who apparently has more names than modern royals. I could not decide which was worse, his “judging” or his “singing” live. And that was just during the moments when he actually deigned to speak English. Making a bad night worse was season 17’s sour grape Leah Remini, co-hosting instead of Erin and still obnoxiously kvetching about judges scores. The two of them made for a bad night on DWTS (and yes, I’m aware that this is sounding like a broken record… where are the good nights?)

Halfway through the season and we’re still eliminating the chaff. The couple eliminated in ninth place is… Jonathan and Allison! Based on the scores and votes from the past two weeks (sixes across the board), the limit does exist, and fetch just isn’t going to happen on this show.

Honestly, the fault here lies squarely with Allison. She refused to play by the rules, expecting to just get voted through. But her arrogance shone through, and not even Jonathan’s bugging eyes and wide smile were enough to counteract that. This week, she told Jonathan to stop trying to be funny… on a reality TV show! On a show where he needs votes to compensate for abysmal scores! She really does not get how this whole thing works, does she?

Jonathan delivered a competent jazz routine (competent because there are no rules to break in jazz), so at least he went out on a high note (all eights, matching his best score and landing in fifth place). This has probably done wonders for his career, as it’s the first time anyone has thought about him since about 2005. Allison, on the other hand, will almost certainly never grace the ballroom again. Pros who fail miserably in their first outing are rarely given a second chance (the only ones who were are Witney, Peta, Val, and Dmitry; none of them showed such contempt for the judges). Farewell, Allison, and let’s welcome our stars!

First Place, 39 points: Alfonso and Witney. I suppose, if one squinted through the strobe lights, one could imagine this dance as a salsa. All the judges except Julianne did just that and gave Alfonso undeserved tens. We really need Len back. Witney got really upset last week over getting fives with Michael – sometimes these pros seem so much more collected than the stars, that we forget how young they are. Witney just turned 21; she’s allowed a good cry. Alfonso did not cry, even though he has a severely injured groin that led to as many dirty jokes as ABC will allow at 9:30.

Second Place, 36 points: Bethany and Derek. They had about a day of rehearsal because Bethany had a YouTube thing to go to in California. Even aside from the fifteen-hour flights, I can’t imagine how horribly jet-lagged they must have been. They had precious little of their tango ready during dress rehearsal on Sunday, yet when it came time to perform, it looked like they’d been doing run-throughs for weeks. Julianne said it reminded her of the tangos of yesteryear, when she was on the show and they weren’t allowed so much as a chair as a prop (because they couldn’t afford one, according to Tom). I miss those days too – when stars had to do legitimate dance routines instead of focusing on spectacle. Bravo to Bethany and Derek for a proper tango!

Third Place, 35 points: Sadie and Mark. Anyone else scream at their TV during this segment? Their rhumba was choreographed by committee – the women of Duck Dynasty – because Sadie was convinced that a minute-and-a-half dance would change who she is, since she has Christian values and stuff. Poor Mark – I’m not his biggest fan, but I have to admire him for dealing with this crap. The judges must have felt similarly, since every one of them singled Mark out for praise. As for me, I’ll just skip Sadie’s rehearsal segments from now on, they’re just too irritating. Hmm… at this rate, soon my DWTS episode-viewing will only last half an hour.

Fourth Place, 33 points: Janel and Val. Seeing a vacancy for season 19 Showmance, Val and Janel have decided to fill it. This led to a rehearsal package entirely devoted to “feelings” – how they have so many feelings, why this causes Val to storm out of rehearsal, blah blah blah. It all seemed so entirely fake, and unnecessary. Val must like showmances (remember Kelly Monaco), but they’re usually much more organic. Anyway, Janel and a freshly waxed Val did a Samba that, though fine, seemed utterly frantic and hectic to me.

Fifth Place, 32 points: Lea and Artem. Julianne finally said it – Lea is the girl to beat. She’s been the saving grace of this season thus far, and I am now unapologetically rooting for her. This was not her best week – she and Artem butted heads a bit. I thought Lea was doing really well in her salsa up until her solo bit at the end, which just did not flow very well. As Bruno said, there was some great arm-ography going on. Artem partook in a Lea sandwich, and Leah Remini then told him to put on a turtleneck. Has she forgotten what show she’s on?

Sixth Place, 30 points: Michael and Emma. Oh, WOW. This Argentine Tango was, without a doubt, one of the best numbers of the night. Emma came up with some absolutely incredibly choreography to match a newly orchestrated version of Pitbull’s “Give Me Everything,” which made the song slow and somewhat melancholy. Michael did away with gimmicks, and earnestly gave the Argentine Tango his all. He did proper tango steps and assisted Emma in utterly defying gravity. Especially in such a weak season, Michael’s dedication, humor, and some latent dance skill could take him quite far.

Last Place (tie), 28 points: Antonio and Cheryl. Antonio performed a fun salsa with the Troupe by his side. It wasn’t particularly good; Antonio had some of the worst posture I’ve ever seen. Something about him just isn’t clicking; I find myself barely remembering him by night’s end. Cheryl’s dad is in the hospital, and at one point she considered the possibility of flying to Thailand before her dad encouraged her to stay. Let’s all show support to our most steadfast female pro, and hope her dad makes a speedy recovery!

Last Place (tie), 28 points: Tommy and Peta. Poor Peta was dragged to a sweat lodge by Tommy, and seemed to be begging for freedom with her wide and fearful eyes. Also, we got Cloris Leachman in the sky providing guidance to all septuagenarian dancers. As usual, the dance itself provided a snack break. Can’t believe half the season is done and he’s still here.

Did Jonathan’s exit make you feel personally victimized, have a lot of feelings, or shout “Boo, you whore!”? Will you now eagerly await old age, because Cloris Leachman may Skype you from above? And most importantly, how excited are you to finally have Len Goodman back next week?