A night that began very promisingly went out with a whimper, as we began to see who really is a contender and who was a fluke with beginner’s luck.

Dancing With the Stars continued their obsession with themes, starting them a bit early this season. It was “My Jam Monday,” where the stars picked their jams, the producers picked the dance that would go worst with that song, and the couples choreographed routines that felt about twenty seconds long to these songs. The opening was fun, as it revealed what the judges’ jams were, with the judges actually dancing! Len’s jam was “Come Dance with Me,” Carrie Ann’s was “Only Girl in the World,” Bruno’s was “Born This Way,” and Julianne’s was “Sky Full of Stars.” Talk of which, let’s welcome our stars!

First Place, 35 points: Lea and Artem. Lea’s jive was far and away the best one of the night! She was dancing like a natural, and not using her partner as a crutch at all. I was very impressed, and continue to be happy with Artem’s choreography, as he is packing it full of actual content. I’m also enjoying Artem’s roving accent, which switches between Russian, British, and American every sentence. But he’s now an American citizen, yay! Carrie Ann was so impressed by Lea, she fell out of her chair (again), and kicked Len in the mirrorballs in the process. Tom, who was having a very good night, quipped that “it must be nice to get some feeling there!” Elimination odds: 1 in 100.

Second Place, 34 points: Janel and Val. Whose bright idea was it to make “Call Me Maybe” a foxtrot, when it’s clearly meant to be a Latin number? Val and Janel did the most with what they had, and made a rather odd creative decision to stage their “Call Me Maybe” number as a masquerade ball. Eh, why not? Janel is enabling Bruno, agreeing to call him in response to the first of several “call me maybe” puns. Oh, dear. Elimination odds: 1 in 50.

Third Place, 33 points: Bethany and Derek. No really, who decided to make “All That Bass” a foxtrot? It was a good foxtrot, considering, but rather bizarre. Even more bizarre is that Len was the generous judge and gave it a nine. Derek made the most of the song and had Bethany posing on a giant bass guitar. Bethany is having problems with her ankle, which seems like foreshadowing. But Derek is used to having injured partners – Jennifer Grey was literally falling apart by the finals. Taylor Swift re-tweeted a video of Bethany’s Week 1 jive, and that seems to have been the highlight of Bethany’s life. The fangirling was sweet. Elimination odds: 1 in 100.

Fourth Place, 32 points: Alfonso and Witney. There’s a lot of pressure as the early frontrunner, and this couple didn’t handle it well. Alfonso is a great performer, but his samba was so-so. The judges gave eights and Alfonso acted as if it were a terrible result and condemnation of his dance… while still being one of the highest scores. He better not get too cocky, that never ends well. Elimination odds: 1 in 100.

Fifth Place (tie), 31 points: Antonio and Cheryl. Antonio got the rhumba this week, and surprisingly, neither the model nor his butterfly-fearing partner was that enthused. It was too soon for the Dance of Love. But although Antonio did not do much in his rhumba, the number looked very good, and was certainly an improvement over last week. Bruno tried doing his creepy demonstrating on Julianne instead of Len, but Julianne didn’t mind, and the whole point of the shtick was Len’s discomfort. They need to rethink the seating arrangement. Elimination odds: 1 in 100.

Fifth Place (tie), 31 points: Sadie and Mark. Sadie attempted a country/jazz hybrid that didn’t really work. We were treated to her father rejecting all her outfits as the rehearsal package. I’m sorry, but when did I sign up to watch Duck Dynasty? Much as the costuming department had nothing to work with, this dance couldn’t really highlight any of Sadie’s abilities. But she’s still one to keep an eye on. Elimination odds: 1 in 50.

Sixth Place, 30 points: Jonathan and Allison. I call such total BS here! The judges let all kinds of crap fly, but come down on this couple for not enough cha-cha? The judging was absurd. That said, Allison needs to realize this is not So You Think You Can Dance, and the dance styles are not for experimenting but for adhering to. Drama aside, this week we got to see the fun and sexy side of Jonathan that was sorely missing last week. Though I did crack up when Jonathan told Allison she was like his best friend after only three weeks, and she waited a few awkward beats before reciprocating the sentiment. Elimination odds: 1 in 50.

Seventh Place (tie), 28 points: Randy and Karina. After pleasantly surprising viewers last week, Randy danced an underwhelming cha-cha. Dreadful technique all around – footwork, posture, etc. He tried to get a head start on Personal Story Week by making “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction” about the troops and his time in the army. I’m failing to see the connection. Elimination odds: 1 in 20.

Seventh Place (tie), 28 points: Tavis and Sharna. Tavis is not up for DWTS if he’s having meltdowns already. He had a tantrum and told Sharna their cha-cha had too many moves that he won’t get. Um, the routines are barely a minute long and half of that is messing about. Spare me the excuses; he needs to actually commit to the show and work a lot harder. Elimination odds: 1 in 10.

Seventh Place (tie), 28 points: Tommy and Peta. This is appalling. Tommy barely moves, just struts around like a creepy old man, and gets adulation for it. He’s one of the worst contestants to ever be on DWTS. I’m done with this – if, heaven forbid, he is still here next week, I’ll just take his numbers as dance breaks. Elimination odds: 1 in 3.

Seventh Place (tie) 28 points: Betsey and Tony. Betsey got a makeover this week after being really bummed out by last week’s Boa Incident. She got through a rather reserved foxtrot with Tony. Though her shapes were not particularly good, everyone was just happy she got through it. I’ve never seen that much joy at sevens. Elimination odds: 1 in 4.

Last Place, 24 point: Michael and Emma. Michael’s favorite song is “Girls in Bikinis,” and he’s more willing to wear one than Emma! He did not do much other than roll his hips every which way while surrounded by three hot girls in bikinis… but it sure was fun! Bruno excused his lack of focus because he had Pussy Galore beside him, and Tom quipped that Bruno’s been waiting to say that name for eighteen seasons. That’s probably true. Sixes were appropriate, but I hope to see Michael return; he’s too much fun. Elimination odds: 1 in 6.

Who’s going home? Who will win it all? And what if you jam this Monday?