Dancing with the Stars season 19 started with a bang, and promises to be full of life lessons, swag, and actually competent dancing! Welcome, fellow dancers, to another season of Dancing with the Stars.

We began with a two-hour premiere that felt far longer than your average DWTS episode, and the highlight was the opening number, because it featured the Queen of England! Grandma (or great-grandma) swag, indeed. It was also a lively way of introducing the stars, and the producers are so confident in the caliber of season 19’s celebrities, they didn’t even bother with last names. Because, really, what other Tommy could we be talking about?

Julianne Hough joined the judges panel, and fit right in. She is as sexually frustrated as Bruno and Carrie Ann (who both wasted no time in panting over the first male contestant). Julianne spent the evening hitting on every male contestant over forty because they remind her of her dad. If this Electra complex takes hold, it could be an awkward season. Other than that, her judging was pretty spot-on, and far better than Carrie Ann’s.

The producers must not have realized how much time having a fourth judge adds, so the whole show was running behind schedule. The judges were even sometimes skipped over for comments because the show was running behind. This was despite the fact that the rest of the process was streamlined. They don’t even introduce the couples and what dance they’re doing anymore, leaving me scratching my head 30 seconds in and wondering whether I’m watching a cha-cha or a foxtrot.

The unfortunate trend of score inflation appears to continue. Used to be, week 1 nines were reserved for the likes of Sabrina Bryan and Kristi Yamaguchi. And then in the last year, they became as commonplace as sequins on this show. Some are deserved and some aren’t, but this overall score inflation is an irksome trend. If a couple gets straight nines out of the gate, that means they are one step away from perfection. And the fun of the show is watching couples slowly achieve perfection.

If you’re like me, you’d already forgotten half the stars by the 9:30 mark. And for the first week, we get to vote the old-fashioned way, mull over who’ll be eliminated, and watch a dedicated results show. So to jog your memory, for the first time this season, let’s welcome our stars!

First Place, 36 points: Alfonso and Witney (Jive). Wow, Alfonso can dance! The producers try to save the best for last on the first few weeks, and it’s clear to see why Alfonso closed the show. He achieved what none of the other dancers could – good jive technique. Clear footwork, sharp kicks, excellent musicality… this is a routine I would expect a few weeks in. Looks like Witney has her shot at success this season, to cement her as a regular pro. Of the celebrities who achieved all nines in week 1, only Charlie White failed to win afterwards. Odds of elimination: 1 in 100.

Second Place, 34 points: Sadie and Mark (Cha-Cha). A true revelation here, the youngest competitor got eights and nines with a very crisp cha-cha. Whether it deserved nines is debatable, but it was impressive nonetheless. She seems quite likable, but I pray we won’t see quite as much of her family. Sorry to any Duck Dynasty fans out there. Odds of elimination: 1 in 100.

Third Place (tie), 32 points: Bethany and Derek (Jive). Yet again, Derek and his partner are the ones to beat! They emerged with a superb dance, and I’m placing my bets that they’ll make the finals. Between Derek’s choreography and fans, Bethany’s easily mobilized fanbase, and her now-evident dance skills, the other couples have their work cut out for them. Odds of elimination: 1 in 100.

Third Place (tie), 32 points: Lea and Artem (Foxtrot). This is an adorable couple, the cougar with the new pro! They delivered a surprisingly good foxtrot for the first week, and were rewarded with straight eights. Lea has an exceedingly bubbly personality, and she and Artem will be fun to watch. Shame they went early in the show, but there had to be someone decent in the first hour. During judging, Carrie Ann complained that Bruno and Julianne were being picky by actually commenting on dance technique. Really, what were they thinking? Odds of elimination: 1 in 100.

Fourth Place, 31 points: Randy and Karina (Foxtrot). The UFC fighter is perhaps the most elegant dancer of the lot! Randy surprised everyone with a lovely dance that was quickly overshadowed by judge shenanigans. When Julianne hit on Randy, Bruno added that, “She was practically lactating!” Julianne demanded, “Are you calling me a cow?” But the single funniest line of the judging: Carrie Ann saying she considers herself to be a professional. Ha! Odds of elimination: 1 in 50.

Fifth Place, 30 points: Jonathan and Allison (Jive). Jonathan got a jump start on Personal Story Week by talking about his recently deceased father out of the gate. I’m betting we’ll revisit this issue in two weeks, where it’ll have more impact than the 10 seconds we saw of him tearing up. As for his dance – it was ambitious, but it was not very good, technically. However, it was an excellent routine. That’s what I love about new pros – they have something to prove, and actually work hard to include proper choreography. Jonathan is a superb performer. His smile is so infectious, it almost distracted me from the appalling footwork. Odds of elimination: 1 in 50.

Sixth Place (tie), 29 points: Janel and Val (Jive). It was revealed in the eleventh hour of this routine that it was, in fact, meant to be a jive. But for one lonely triple-step, I would’ve never known. But Janel sure as hell performed whatever it was she was dancing. Val complimented her by saying she has swag like his grandma – and as Tom said, this was the night grandma swag became a good thing. Janel and Val have absolutely great banter, and when Erin joins in, it practically becomes a sitcom. Hopefully people other than Pretty Little Liars fans vote for her, but she was so early in the show that I worry. Odds of elimination: 1 in 25.

Sixth Place (tie), 29 points: Tavis and Sharna (Foxtrot). Oy vey, the guy started waxing philosophic on his very first week at DWTS. Something about “some” and “sum” and Tom craving dim sum. Anyway, he delivered a fairly nimble foxtrot, if not a particularly memorable one. Odds of elimination: 1 in 20.

Seventh Place, 27 points: Tommy and Peta (Cha-Cha). What ghastly abomination was this?! More importantly, why are the judges humoring it? A 76 year-old man who can barely move, gyrating to some rap song that is a quarter the speed of any actual dance music, and reiterating ceaselessly that he’s a stoner. This should have gotten threes, or fours if feeling generous. If he’s not the first one out tomorrow, we are going to have a problem this season. Odds of elimination: 1 in 3.

Eighth Place (tie), 25 points: Michael and Emma (Cha-Cha). Michael’s a funny “Southern cheeky gentleman” who’s proud of his ass. His dance was abysmal – he was perfectly good standing there and spinning Emma every which way, but the little cha-cha he attempted was a disaster. However, he is hilarious! There was a running joke about his wedgie that had everyone in stitches. While he will never be a champion, I hope he sticks around for a while to lighten things up. Odds of elimination: 1 in 12.

Eighth Place (tie), 25 points: Antonio and Cheryl (Cha-Cha). Is this the showmance of season 19? Looks like it. Cheryl wanted a heartthrob this season, and got her wish. She was looking hot during their show-opening routine. It was a passable routine – poor footwork and stiff arms, but good fun. The question is, who remembers them two hours later? Odds of elimination: 1 in 12.

Ninth Place, 24 points: Lolo and Keo (Cha-Cha). Lolo opened by telling Keo she’s a virgin and waiting until marriage, which means she’s not cool with pressing her body up against his (is she aware that does not impinge on her chastity?). She got thrown off at the beginning of the dance, and didn’t manage to bounce back, leading to a disastrous routine, and to Tom expounding on the well-known dangers of texting and dancing. She didn’t even let the judges rip her a new one; she did it herself. Lolo expected ones. Is she aware that a one paddle has never been seen in 18 seasons? Good on Keo for choreographing a routine with a lot of content out of the gate – yay for new pros who try! Odds of elimination: 1 in 6.

Last Place, 20 points: Betsey and Tony (Cha-Cha). Two derailed routines in a row! Betsey is completely nuts – Tony says there’s a circus in her head. She moves amazingly for a septuagenarian, and her routine was going well until a disaster involving a boa at the end. Whereas Lolo was furious with herself, Betsey looked to be on the verge of tears. The judges came down hard on her and gave her fives across the board, even though Carrie Ann did it with a lot of enthusiasm. Betsey was far better than Tommy, though, and I hope to see more of her unique fashion sense this season. Odds of elimination: 1 in 6.

What did you think of season 19’s premiere? Who do you think will suffer the indignity of the first elimination? And who do you think might be the eventual victor?