Ah, Latin Night – the oldest theme DWTS has, full of slaps and showers and SATs.

Pitbull was a guest judge, and was about as useless as guest judges usually are. He acted as if he were 10 sheets to the wind from the get-go, seemed to think he was hilarious, and occasionally mumbled in Spanish to keep up with the theme. Frankly, the mirrorball piñata would have been as effective a guest judge. How has it taken 22 seasons to get a mirrorball piñata on this show, and why don’t we have one every week? Spoiler alert: Megatron demolished it, leaving the place slightly glitterier than normal.

ABC’s fall schedule has unfortunately swung into full gear, so instead of results shows we get to eliminate couples as we go along. So the couple landing in eighth place is…

Amber and Maks! Oh, happy days are here again! On a season that contains a little person and Ryan Lochte, somehow the drama has always been about Amber. In this week’s dose, Maks started snapping at her during rehearsal, so she walked out. Never have we had such a perfect couple of tantrum-prone people. For her exit, Amber did a meh cha-cha that scored straight sevens, landing her in a solitary last place on the leaderboard before being eliminated. Half of the cha-cha was messing about – Len would’ve had a fit! The judges spent their last critique telling Amber to smack Maks like she means it.

This is Maks’ worst finish since landing in 12th place with Debi Mazar in season 9. And no redemption is forthcoming, because Maks told Us Weekly that he will definitely not be back next season, preferring to be a stay-at-home dad. And now, let’s welcome our stars!

First Place, 40 points: Jana & Gleb. Jana had to do an Argentine tango to Selena Gomez’s “Can’t Keep My Hands To Myself,” which is apparently the sexiest song she and Gleb have ever heard. (Sorry, but really?!)

To that end, Gleb promised the sexiest Argentine tango the ballroom’s ever seen, achieved through the use of a shower that would drench them with water for the latter half of the dance. That shower had better water pressure than any we’ve seen – it was a solid wall of water.

The effect on TV proved more comedic than sexy, between the bizarre music and the couple all-but-swimming on the dance floor. But it sure got everyone in the ballroom going on about how it was the sexiest dance ever. (Nope, that title belongs to James Maslow and Peta’s samba!)  The irony is that underneath all the sex, they did a really good Argentine tango. But hey, whatever gets perfect scores! Also worth mentioning: Jana said she’d never done an Argentine tango in the shower, but Gleb has. Is anyone surprised?

Second Place, 38 points: James & Sharna. James apparently has multiple personalities, and used to rely on “Ricardo” to bring the sexy in Latin dances. This week, he defeated Ricardo and owned his sexiness in a sultry rhumba that was “pitch perfect” according to Bruno. He keeps excelling week after week – given how difficult the technique is in rhumba, this week was even more impressive than usual. Julianne said that James is the best male dancer they’ve ever had. Hmm… thoughts? Corbin Bleu and Gilles Marini come to mind, but a case could be made.

Third Place (tie), 37 points: Laurie & Val. Laurie was struggling with the sexiness that the salsa requires. Lucky for her, she’s on tour with lots of former DWTS contestants, and Nastia Liukin and Shawn Johnsnon sat her down for a pep talk. Shawn related how she ran away crying from the salsa – and that’s coming from the most successful contestant ever on this show (she is the only contestant to make the Top Two twice).

We would totally watch a talk show of Nastia, Shawn, and the Final Five chatting about ballroom dance! As to the salsa, Laurie delivered with panache – a few minor “oops” happened, but the overall dance was great, especially compared o the other salsa of the night.

Third Place (tie), 37 points: Calvin & Lindsay. Calvin finally had his breakthrough this week – and, given he was last to be called safe, it was not a moment too soon. In a refreshing change from his usual party dances, he and Lindsay did a spectacular Argentine tango with zero frills – no props, no showers, nothing but the two of them commanding the floor.

It was glorious, as Calvin became serious for a change, and did some of the coolest lifts we’ve ever seen on this show. (Seriously, it must be like going to Six Flags every week for Lindsay). Lindsay was smart – she knew she wouldn’t out-sexy Gleb and Jana, so she just went for good dancing. And she still found time to teach Calvin how to take selfies!

Fourth Place, 34 points: Marilu & Derek. Marilu kept up the momentum from last week in this cha-cha, where Derek made liberal use of her gorgeous legs. It was a good routine, if a bit more salsa-like than most cha-chas. Marilu attributes her new breakthrough to dropping a few IQ points – hey, whatever works! In a weaker season, a contestant like Marilu would be coasting, but she needs to keep bringing her A-game to stay competitive.

Fifth Place, 31 points: Maureen & Artem. Artem is down to his last nerve with Maureen, who not only struggles to get steps, but quivers with emotion every second of every day. Still, Maureen does deliver solid dances. Underneath all the kerfuffle of feathers and extra dancers, Maureen did a good samba with a lot of content. Artem seemed downright shocked to get eights, but they were deserved. With Amber gone, perhaps there is room for all of Maureen’s feelings, but it’s also possible we’re culling all the overemotional ones.

Last Place (tie), 30 points: Terra & Sasha. Terra can’t summon any anger, no matter how hard Sasha tried to piss her off. At one point, he was yelling “Slap me!” Terra finally obliged, but still couldn’t summon the fierceness required for the paso doble.

Sasha choreographed a really fantastic routine, even taking the opportunity to spend half of it on his knees so as to be eye-to-eye with Terra.  We liked watching it, even if Terra didn’t do so great. Terra did take the post-dance opportunity to sing “I Know You Want Me” to Pitbull, while Sasha seemed hopped up on more sugar than usual, so this was more of a fun week for them after the emotion of last week.

Last Place (tie), 30 points: Ryan & Cheryl. The wonders of Latin Night never cease – Ryan actually came across as goofy and likable during his video package! Everyone look up, and make sure the pigs are flying carefully. It’s not a moment too soon, since our guess is that it’s him and Maureen on the chopping block next.

He likened the salsa to taking the SAT again, because it’s difficult (fast with lots of steps). But our favorite line of the night belonged to Ryan: “Do I think I’m sexy? I think I have a nice smile.” Unfortunately, all goodwill evaporated once he started dancing. His salsa was excruciating – he barely moved in the first half, and the rare movements he did were supremely ungainly. The music seemingly wasn’t even part of the equation.

Cheryl attempted to mask Ryan’s failings with skimpy neon shorts and dancing in the dark, but nothing could save this number. Even Pitbull was flustered – per Tom, “This must be one of the only times Pitbull’s had difficulty scoring!”

Who do you think will head home next week? Was Jana’s and Gleb’s shower-dance the sexiest you’ve seen? Who’s the best male celeb ever to compete? So many questions!