In no time at all, we’ve gotten to the quarterfinals! The stars are getting injured, hospitalized, waxed, kicked in the balls, emotional, and eliminated — all while delivering showstoppers.

This week marked Derek’s record-breaking 15th time in the quarterfinals, Mark’s ninth appearance (tied for third place behind Derek and Cheryl), Val’s seventh appearance (out of nine seasons, a conversion rate second only to Derek’s), Sharna’s and Witney’s third time, and Lindsay’s first time. Of note, every single one of those stars made it to the quarter-finals in at least half the seasons they participated in. Next week, which unfortunately we won’t be recapping due to other commitments, will see Derek’s record-breaking 14th semifinal, Val’s fifth, Sharna’s third, Witney’s second, and Lindsay’s first.

The couple eliminated this week, landing in sixth place, is… Alexa and Mark! This is an average finish for Mark, and one place better than last season. Naturally, the PenaVegas were the two stars in jeopardy. They treated it as a supremely cruel move by the producers; but let’s be honest, we all knew that’s how one of them would be eliminated, for maximum drama. Both PenaVegas were in tears, with Carlos fervently expressing the wish that he’d been eliminated instead of Alexa.

The great irony is that Alexa is being eliminated after her best week yet — two perfect scores, and a stunning routine that would have taken her straight to the finals if we were still allowed to vote. In one of the most brilliant routines this show has ever seen, Alexa and Mark did a contemporary representing her struggle with bulimia. Alexa opened up about a director telling her she was fat as a child, and six years of bulimia that followed. Mark dressed himself all in black, and crafted a jerky staccato contemporary that actually looked painful — it was uncomfortable to watch, and we mean that as a big compliment. Honestly, Mark should get an Emmy for this number, it was that good (Mark was nominated once, previously, for his routines with Chelsea Kane in Season 12).

Everyone responded to the routine, with even the judges joining the standing ovation. This is an issue that hits really close to home for many dancers, because of the pressure to be thin. This writer once saw an 11-year-old girl denied a second helping of dinner by her partner’s mother, because the girl couldn’t gain weight. We’re just glad Alexa and Mark got to perform this dance before leaving; look for it to join the pantheon of iconic DWTS routines.

In a really fun new gimmick, the couples were paired off and had to create group routines for four that included thirty seconds of the stars dancing with each other, sans pros. Less successful was the fact that these routines had to pay homage to “showstoppers,” a.k.a. routines from whoever paid DWTS for the promotion. Are we the only ones who are heartily sick of homages to things this season? We have thus far paid homage to the stars’ hometowns, pros’ hometowns, stars’ most memorable years, stars’ icons, famous dances, and now showstoppers. Why not let the stars create their own original showstoppers? Anyway…

The epic bromance of Carlos and Alek paid homage to We Will Rock U (specifically the production on cruise ship Anthem of the Seas), and for purely research purposes the two couples went on the cruise. Carlos and Alek ran amok as their beleaguered partners kept trying to get them to focus on dancing. Perhaps they should have tried harder, as the number itself was a touch underwhelming. They were out of sync, right at the judges’ table. Carlos and Alek danced together for thirty seconds in the routine, which was fun but not as exciting as it could’ve been. They received all eights. But we received glorious footage of Alek assuring Carlos, “I will be your hero.”

The dream team of Bindi and Alexa paid tribute to Broadway’s Chicago. The two girls love each other sooooooo much! They were practically vibrating with excitement. The routine was great, and really utilized Bindi and Alexa to maximum effect as Roxie and Velma.  Tens all around!

The only heterosexual matchup, Nick and Tamar, paid tribute to Cirque du Soleil and the Beatles and Las Vegas and umbrellas. Frankly, there was so much going on on the dance floor, we couldn’t tell you what Nick and Tamar did. But they got nines.

Now, let’s welcome our stars, in order of combined points!

First Place, 60 points (30+30): Bindi & Derek. Derek feels the pressure of choreographing for such an exquisite dancer as Bindi, but he is thankfully up to the challenge. When he was stressing out about it, Bindi proved herself to be the most supportive partner ever: “Please don’t feel you have to find the right [steps] for me, because they’re all extraordinary.” Derek crafted a beautiful Viennese waltz for Bindi — lots of content in it, but also a beautiful story. Bindi has always been spectacular, yet this week still felt like a breakthrough, as she brought so much emotion to the dance that everyone in the ballroom was shaking by the end.

Second Place, 55 points (28+27): Nick & Sharna. Nick did a Quickstep that was fine, but frankly involved too much messing about. Barely any of it was in hold! Nick’s hip has been bothering him; he worries that all the Backstreet Boys tours are catching up to him — but knowing Nick, if he is able to stand he will be dancing. Of the male pros, he is still our favorite to go furthest.

Third Place, 51 points (27+24): Carlos & Witney. Someone decided it would be a good idea to have an Argentine tango set to Justin Bieber’s “What Do You Mean?” Is it just me, or is the song really… rape-y? Witney was struggling with choreography, and didn’t really crack it… though she did crack Carlos in the balls! This is becoming a pattern with her, but she’s learned from her experience with Alfonso, and did not offer any snacks this time. There was a lot of side-by-side dancing around a door, whereas what’s wanted in an Argnetine tango is passionate dancing in hold. Carrie Ann and Julianne struggled to express that while the dance was fine — and Carlos did a good job at the dancing itself — the number did not exactly blow anyone away.

Fourth Place, 49 points (22+27): Tamar & Val. After a grueling week of trying to do too much, Tamar ended up in the hospital, and much of the show was spent wondering whether she would make it back in time. In a scene straight out of the movies, Tamar rushed in just before her showstopper dance so she wouldn’t be eliminated. However, for her individual round, we got footage of a tepid dress rehearsal — a contemporary that had potential. Val was very upset about the whole affair, and didn’t even want to hear the judges’ comments on the footage.

Last Place, 48 points (24+24): Alek & Lindsay. Alek, who evidently does not own a mirror, did not think his body was stage-ready for a shirtless salsa. Carlos, who passed on the knowledge he learned in his shirtless salsa with Val last week, urged Alek to strip — it’s clear the Magic Mike routine has bored its way into Carlos’s soul. Lindsay decided the best way to boost confidence was to get three of the girls Alek’s asked out during the season (seriously, can we hear more about Alek’s dating adventures here?!), and have a group waxing of Alek’s chest. The girls had a great time, Alek was utterly terrified, and in a split-second cutaway Derek looked traumatized. The salsa itself wasn’t very good. Alek was blocky, with barely any hip action. There were good lifts, but Alek didn’t do much otherwise. Lindsay’s really dropped the ball lately choreography-wise. But hey, maybe Alek’s smooth chest will get him additional votes!

Are you sad to see Alexa go? Who do you think will be sent home next week? And what are your views on chest hair?