The magic of Disney had worn off this week, and the stars took a spring break from delivering good routines. As in academics, so in ballroom, the halfway point of a season is celebrated by spring break!

Spring Break, as a theme, did not work. It was mostly incorporated in the following manner: a couple starts out the dance sitting around, about to start spring break. They then dance instead, all thought of the vacation forgotten. Bonus points if they remember to slip in a reference to spring break during the post-dance interviews. It’s small wonder Len was far grumpier than usual, shouting “well done!” at couples like a malediction. Julianne celebrated spring break by dying her hair a pink that’d make Umbridge proud. Bruno must have thought he was young again, creepily calling Willow “hot” — somebody please volunteer as Tribute and save her!

This week also featured what is usually this writer’s favorite gimmick on the show: team dances. The teams were so hilariously mismatched, it was sad. Team YOLO had Nastia, Willow, Noah, and Robert, with a weak link conspicuously absent. More importantly, the pros on that team won a combined nine Mirrorballs and participated in a combined 50 seasons… and had the undefeated Derek on their team. Team Trouble had Rumer, Riker, Patti, and Chris. Among their pros, only one Mirrorball and 15 seasons of experience.

Team YOLO went first, and for once, having Derek on the team was not an advantage. Due to commitments in NYC, Team Captain Nastia was absent for most of the week, while team dance superstar Derek was MIA the entire week. Mark, as Derek’s best friend, included Derek via FaceTime. Kym was too sweet to say anything, but Sharna was evidently not pleased at the situation. There’s really nothing that could have been done, but it’s a shame because with this team they should have had a spectacular team dance. Instead, their dance was… fine. It was good, with clean solos from everyone, and a nice bit of beachball-ography thrown in. But considering some of the spectacular team dances we’ve seen in the past, this one wasn’t memorable.

Team Trouble followed, and at least in rehearsal, they had it together. We’d also like to point out that Bachelor Chris was the very last pick for teams… picked after a fourteen-year-old, a man missing two limbs, and a seventy-year-old who barely moves. That says volumes about how he’s viewed by the cast… about the same as we view him. The dance would have been good, if not for Patti wobbling about separately from everyone else, and the camera focusing on her. But when Patti moves, the judges are euphoric, so both teams got a 39 out of 40. We think they just missed their 10 paddles throughout the night.

Talk of Patti, she is finally gone, being eliminated in eighth place. For her final dance, she ambled about with one shoe on, netting sevens and eights. Hard to imagine the scores she’d get for actually dancing. Artem finished two spots lower than he did last season. Now, before you pack your bags, let’s welcome our stars!

Note: points are for individual dances, everyone gets +39 for the team round.

First Place, 37 points: Riker and Allison. The couple was in crisis because Allison wouldn’t do a sexually explicit song with Riker. There’s a missed opportunity for a sexual awakening storyline here — or is that reserved for women? Apparently, no song means no practice… though Allison could have devoted those days to teaching Riker actual samba technique. About half the final dance was impeccable samba, and half was Riker’s own shimmying dance style. But all of it was done with a frenetic energy that delivered a good number.

Second Place (tie), 34 points: Nastia and Derek. Nastia delivered a tango at maximum power level all the way through. The judges came down hard on her, demanding slower tango, more connection, and different mindsets. It mostly came across as nitpicking for the sake of nitpicking, struggling to find imperfections in Nastia and Derek. In anything, the judges should have nitpicked last week’s “Love Is an Open Door,” which wasn’t particularly impressive.

Second Place (tie), 34 points: Willow and Mark. Willow delivered a good salsa, even if the transitions were not quite there. For the first time all season, the concept of the dance didn’t work. All of their dances thus far had been high concept and totally awesome, but “Whiplash meets spring break” consisted of trumpet-players being distracting behind Willow. Then again, Willow is 14, and inexperienced in the world of spring break.

Third Place, 32 points: Rumer and Val. Poor unfortunate souls Rumer and Val were stuck doing a jazz routine to “Bootylicious,” and no one was happy about it. After asking the DWTS cast what “bootylicious” means to them, Rumer and Val created a routine that consisted mostly of strutting and booty-popping. Val and Rumer didn’t like it. The judges (aside from Bruno) didn’t like it. This writer really didn’t like it. As Len, the lonely cup of tea, said, “It’s a ballroom, not a bedroom.” Has he been watching the last few seasons?

Fourth Place, 31 points: Chris and Witney. Chris went from zero to hero this week, finally dancing to the music, which was all anybody asked of him. Except for Len, that is, who got greedy and demanded dance technique from his Viennese waltz. The best part of the segment was the “Let’s Hear It for the Boy” training montage. Between lack of dance ability and likability, we expect him to be sent packing in next week’s double elimination.

Fifth Place, 29 points: Noah and Sharna. Noah’s rhumba was exceedingly impressive — his hip movement was better than most male celebrities. There was good rhumba content in that routine, including some very nice sliding doors. In the rehearsal package, the emphasis was on an argument between Noah and Sharna. It was quickly and amicably resolved, but Noah (ever the consummate gentleman) was angry on Sharna’s behalf, claiming that the video painted her in a bad light. We hope the “don’t argue with me!” bachelor was paying attention. It’s surprising Noah’s scores are so low, when his dancing is up to par with most of the others.

Last Place, 28 points: Robert and Kym. Evidently, fast dances are not Robert’s forte, and he had the very bad luck to get the quickstep and jive back-to-back. Kym is pushing him, choreographing excellent routines full of content, and that’s worth applauding. Robert is capable of all the dance moves, but can’t do them on time… perhaps a “Let’s Hear It for the Boy” montage is in order? Robert was in Not Necessarily the Bottom Two this week, and while we would like to see him stay, this season is filled with surprisingly strong dancers. It will all depend on whether Robert can get a dance more in his comfort zone and survive next week’s double elimination.

We are now back with weekly recaps of DWTS! So, are you Team YOLO or Team Trouble? Did you do anything fun for spring break? And what does “bootylicious” mean to you?