It was not a good night on Dancing with the Stars’ 2013 season 17, full of mediocre routines, with the wrong contestant heading home.

While things picked up somewhat in the second half of the show, most of the individual routines were underwhelming. That didn’t bother the judges though, who proceeded to give out nines to everyone except Bill and Emma. Len’s critiques were quite good tonight, but Carrie Ann drank an espresso before the show, so she was ten times loopier than usual (I know, I didn’t think it possible either). Apparently next week, instead of Len we’ll have Cher as a guest judge. She is qualified to judge a ballroom dance competition… how? I’m just curious whether she’s forgiven the judges (specifically Bruno) for “picking on” her son Chaz Bono in Season 13. Corbin is excited for her costume changes, expecting at least seven throughout the show (so, basically every commercial break).

The couple unfortunately going home is… Snooki and Sasha! I was incredibly disappointed to see them get eliminated, because Snooki has really grown on me the last few weeks. She’s funny, she’s charismatic, and she worked really hard and was really invested in the competition. In short, she was a perfect DwtS contestant. We also saw how she cares for her son and that she can actually act like a human being, unlike her Jersey Shore reputation suggests. At least she outlasted her former costar The Situation (he came in ninth place, Snooki came in eighth).

In a moment very true to her character, Snooki lamented leaving the show as a zombie. It really looked dreadful, watching her crying heavily with all the zombie makeup on – but it was classic DwtS! I think this experience was really good for Snooki’s image – even if we still call her Snooki, I now see her more as Nicole. I also really hope to see Sasha back as a pro; he was fun.

With Snooki gone, the other contestants fall into a very clear hierarchy. The top three will be, barring an upset, Amber, Elizabeth, and Corbin. Brant will likely come in fourth now that Snooki is out of the picture, with Jack in fifth. We’ll see if any more surprises are in store.
Tonight saw the return of team dances, with Team Foxing Awesome facing off against Team Spooky Bom Bom. In the end, Derek stays undefeated in team dances (an astounding feat, since he’s participated in them ten times now). Really, though, the deck was not stacked evenly. All of the young, attractive, high-scoring couples were on Team Foxing Awesome. With the best pros – Derek and Karina – working together with able dancers, Team Bom Bom didn’t stand a chance.

Team Spooky Bom Bom went first – Elizabeth, Snooki, Bill, and Leah. Leah was the last one picked, and appropriately, she was the weakest link. She didn’t do anything in her solo. Bill was in his element, embracing the comedy of the routine. But the only good dancers were Elizabeth and Snooki. Snooki in particular really came alive (despite being undead) and delivered. Although I’m biased in favor of this team because of their awesome ghoulish theme, truth is that they were good but not great, and got a 27.

Team Foxing Awesome, on the other hand, was stupendous! If memory serves, this is the first team dance to ever receive a perfect score. Closest we came was Team Call Me Maybe in All-Stars getting 29.5. Although that was the best team dance ever, this came in a close second. Carrie Ann put it nicely, saying it was like the best acid trip ever. The choreography was phenomenal, really making the most of every beat and accent in the music, and all the couples were fantastic. I expected a disaster a la Gangnam Style, but it was perfect in a completely bizarre and goofy way. They wore fox costumes, for heaven’s sake!

Tonight’s scores were combined with last week’s because of the voting snafu. So I’ll give the scores for the individual dance, then the team dance, then last week’s total score (Switch-Up factored in). Let’s welcome our stars!

First Place, 91 points: Amber and Derek (Paso Doble, 29 + 30 + 32). According to Len, “This girl is full of talent, and I won’t tell you what Bruno’s full of.” My sentiments exactly – Bruno awarded a nine to what was the best dance of the season. Amber’s paso doble was insane – every line was sensually extended, every step delivered crisply with power, the skirts swooshing at hyper speed. It’s good to see Len is finally over his grudge at Derek (as I predicted he would be).

Second Place, 88 points: Brant and Peta (Jive, 27 + 30 + 31). I’m not impressed. For all Bruno’s raving about “content,” I’m not sure I spied a single triple-step. They embraced the goofiness of the jive really well, but there was an awful lot of messing about. I do give Brant props for working very hard this week – as evidenced by his tank top being utterly soaked with sweat – I just wish the routine had highlighted more of him, since jive is the dance to highlight the guy. At the end, Brant and Peta threw cream into each other’s faces before a very sloppy kiss, and Brant’s face emerging from that was adorable. Meanwhile, his smirk in rehearsal when demanding Peta’s approbation was very Noel Kahn-ish – anyone else catch it?

Third Place (tie), 86 points: Corbin and Karina (Cha-Cha, 29 + 30 + 27). Karina struggled with the choreography this week, and ended with a disaster. There were three or four cha-cha moves here, that were repeated about five times each, and the rest was hip-hop and gyrating BS. Corbin is so much better than this. I agree with Len 100% when he said, “Gyrating is somewhere between rap music and a baby crying – I just want it to be over.” Carrie Ann and Bruno were enamored with the gyrating and gave tens, but when you compare this hot mess to Amber’s sensational dance, it’s an outrage that they got the same score.

Third Place (tie), 86 points: Elizabeth and Val (Quickstep, 27 + 27 + 32). Elizabeth had a bit of a comedown from last week. After a lengthy intro about an alien invasion, this quickstep just had bad form (Captain Hook would be ashamed!). There was shoddy posture, not enough body contact… a lot about the picture looked wonky (including Val’s hideous sneakers… sneakers in a quickstep are disgraceful!). On the upside, Elizabeth has to be commended for keeping her cool in rehearsal when Val started getting stressed out. It seems like whenever the pros lose their cool, all the celebrities start whining, “I’m not a pro!” and thereby increase the frustration in the room. But Elizabeth just calmly took it in stride, so well done to her.

Fourth Place (tie), 84 points: Jack and Cheryl (Jive, 27 + 30 + 27). Jack is “built for comfort, not speed.” The poor fellow is even more exhausted than the other celebrities from the combination of the jive and his MS. But that is no reason to give him a ten, as Carrie Ann did. This jive was one of his worst dances, with dreadful technique in his feet and arms. Props to Cheryl for not pulling any punches with the routine, but Jack just didn’t do as well this week. But he’s still a joy to have on the show. I love his frankness – when Carrie Ann tried to compare him and Brant, Jack just said, “He’s better looking.” According to Jack, the inspiration for the name “Foxing Awesome” came from a tattoo on his chest that’s only a few letters off. I am still rooting for him, but he needs to pull it together in these coming weeks.

Fourth Place (tie), 84 points: Snooki and Sasha (Samba, 27 + 27 + 30). Snooki is apparently channeling Beyonce, a Chihuahua, a squirrell monkey, and a turtle when on the dance floor…but Carrie Ann wants her to be a Great Dane. Okay, then. Snooki worked hard, and this samba was one of the highest-energy ones I’ve seen. The start wasn’t the most auspicious, but things really kicked into high gear after twenty seconds. The technique wasn’t perfect – a few more hips and better foot placement would’ve helped – but it looked really good. And unlike half the routines, there was a lot of content here, so good on Sasha – it’s very easy to make the samba into nothing more than a shimmy-fest, so bravo for not taking the easy way out.

Fifth Place, 81 points: Leah and Tony (Salsa, 26 + 27 + 28). I’m liking Leah’s attitude much better this week, but this was the most poorly constructed routine I’ve seen in a while. None of the lifts hit the accents in the song; every single one had another beat or two after it ended where Leah and Tony just stood around. What gives, Tony? Leah did look good dancing (though some credit belongs to her ruffled skirt). She’s injured, but neglected to say so until questioned, since she didn’t want to be “obvious” when fishing for sympathy votes. Savvy, indeed!

Last Place, 74 points: Bill and Emma (Quickstep, 23 + 27 + 24). This dance actually went far better than I thought it would. Incredibly, Bill didn’t miss a single step. Everything else going on, like his frame, wasn’t that good… but not missing any steps in the quickstep is quite an accomplishment in and of itself. Bill claimed that anyone who didn’t give Elvis a nine shouldn’t be able to sleep at night… so apparently the judges are in for a sleepless night, since his scores are the only ones they’ve not inflated into the nines-range (fair? unfair? discuss.). While his dance was fun, I preferred the judges rocking out to ‘’Viva Las Vegas’’ going into the commercial break – they got so into it! Emma is also the last new pro standing, so good luck to her.

Are you sad to see Snooki go home? Which animal do you think she resembles on the dance floor? And have you figured out what the fox says yet?