“Just what I was looking for, a nice long shaft. Wait, that didn’t come out right.”

The opening quote to this article is spoken by Buffy very often when picking up a stake. It’s uncomfortable, hilarious, and sounds nothing like Sarah Michelle Gellar.

Every once in a blue moon, I decide to play an older game from the PS2/GameCube/Xbox era, and I am often not rewarded.

Oddly enough, the strange experience I had while playing through the opening levels of Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Chaos Bleeds was rewarding, if not for all of the wrong reasons.

The irony of this all is that I picked up Chaos Bleeds right before the new Buffy reboot was announced. So why not join me in this festive look back at one of the stranger corners of the Buffyverse to tide us all over while we wait to see what Buffy does next?

‘A medikit, alright! Time to find Anya and play naughty nurse.’

I’ve decided that we’re all going to suffer here together through all of the uncomfortable game quotes.

The gameplay for Chaos Bleeds is reminiscent of better beat-em-ups, never really feeling as intuitive as others. The closest relative I could place was the original Mirror’s Edge.

You input combos, and hope to God that something actually happens. During just the tutorial level, I died as Xander around 5 times in the Magic Box’s training room, simply from the controls not working.

Playing an older video game is a lot like getting into an older car. You can see its function for the time and place that it was made for, but it barely chugs along by today’s standards.

I try to give the controls in Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Chaos Bleeds a little bit of credit, seeing as it received decent scores when it released. I’ve played worse older games for sure, but there are others, such as platformer Mario Sunshine and shooter Resident Evil 4, that released in the same time period, but hold up a lot better than Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Chaos Bleeds.

Fighting physics and clunky button combos aside, it is fairly fun to play as Buffy, Willow, and Spike in the tutorial level (but never Xander). Willow seemed a bit OP with projectile spells and one hit K.O.’s, but everyone roughly had the same punching power otherwise.

‘My mom always said my natural charisma would open doors… just, not this one.’

I swear that the dialogue on the TV show was never this horrible.

The plot here is confusing, because Joyce is dead, but Dawn is nowhere to be seen. What’s more, this supposedly takes place during the Glory season. Isn’t Dawn meant to be pretty important in the plot at this point?

Ethan Rayne seems to be the continuous haunt and side plot character of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. This time, he’s fighting for the Scoobies, although I’m pretty sure that the last time we interacted with him, he made everyone turn into their Halloween costumes and/or made Giles wear the white t-shirt and be The Ripper.

What’s more, The First is the main villain of this game. I’ll try to put aside the fact that we’ve already established The First as an overall evil entity, not something we can super combo kick until their health bar depletes.

Perhaps the worst sin that this game commits in terms of Buffy canon is bringing Sid the Dummy back from the dead. Anyone who has listened to our 3 year run of Buffy the Vampire Slayer ReWatchable knows quite well how I feel about the OG evil puppet episode.

Still, I’m enthralled to learn more about Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Chaos Bleeds; that is, if I can ever get past this sprawling toxic waste sewer system dungeon.

‘A fuse box but no fuse — that takes care of the fuse. Let there be light! And… stuff.’

The game’s design simply does not lead you where you need to go. It tries to give you quick tutorial hints, such as “climb through windows, such as the one in front of you,” but those weren’t enough to get me through the sewer level.

Yes Buffy, I understand that you would like a fuse. I don’t have a fuse. And if I have to hear the “fuse box but no fuse” dialogue once more I might just rip my hair out.

By the point that I had gotten to said fuse scenario, I had wandered around a graveyard full of tombs and gravestones all painted the same bleak grey and green.

Often getting lost, I wandered every single inch of the graveyard, and was greeted by nary a monster or voiceover to help guide me.

Related: 5 reasons to be optimistic for the Buffy the Vampire Slayer reboot

Eventually, I found the last piece to the game’s first puzzle, much to the dispirit of Buffy (“That fits, but there’s still pieces missing. Did I mention that I’m not in the mood for puzzles?). Checkpoint reached, I felt the tiniest modicum of accomplishment, and cruised through to the next area.

60 minutes later, I forced Buffy to jump into the acid pit in the middle of the sewer dungeon.

I’d had enough. The dialogue, the combat, and the story were all wearing away at me. People once played this game for enjoyment?

And yet, I can’t seem to put Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Chaos Bleeds out of my mind. After all, was it really that bad to have to wander around abandoned graveyards and sewers for hours on end?