After the world wind of emotions that came from BTS’ Artist of the Year win at 2018 MAMA in Hong Kong, this ARMY had to take some time to work through it all.

Honestly, I wasn’t originally planning on even writing about what happened because it’s so heartbreaking to think about all of the pain the members of BTS have had to go through, and continue to go through for us. But since my brain just wouldn’t let me stop thinking about it, here we are.

As usual, BTS’ performance at 2018 MAMA in Hong Kong was held off until toward the end of the show, so ARMYS got hyped on up on their amazing performances of “Airplane pt. 2,” “O!RUL82? LY Remix,” and “Idol.” I don’t think I will ever get over that intro to “Airplane pt. 2” to be quite honest.

There were still awards to be given away after that, and the biggest one of all Artist of the Year went to BTS. Since this was their third year in a row winning, I’m sure that many of us weren’t getting to hit with such an emotional speech.

Jung Hoseok (J-Hope) took to the microphone first and started off by discussing something the group has said before, how they struggle with always wanting to show their fans the best parts of themselves.

Really, before we came up on stage, I worried a lot. We’re always wanting to show you our best sides, and the sides of us that don’t make mistakes. So every time, before coming up on stage, I clench my heart and prepare for the performance. This award is really…”

That’s where Hoseok couldn’t hold it in anymore and started to cry during his speech. He had to take a moment to collect himself and keep on going with the message that he wanted to get across with help from his members who gave him strength with their affections.

I really…think I would have cried if I received this award and even if I didn’t this year. Because we went through so much, and because we received so much love, we really wanted to give back with this award. Thank you so much, and to our members here together in this moment, I want to say thank you so much. Thank you, I love you.

Hoseok was able to finish out, through the tears and hinted at some of the struggles that they’d dealt with that year. His speech also showed how the members care more about getting awards to give the love back to ARMY than anything else. They want to make their fans proud, despite the turmoil it might cause them.

Part of what made Hoseok’s speech so heartbreaking was that fans don’t often get to see this side of him. He’s the bubbly angel that’s always there to be the ray of sunshine in ARMY’s lives. Since he so rarely shows his own hardships, it makes it that much of a blow to see the pain that he’s been hiding.

Park Jimin’s (Jimin) speech was next, and it also hinted at some of their issues through the year, though he remained more optimistic in his speech.

ARMY! Thank you. As we went through this year, you know how there could be tough times too, and as we went through those events I think there were times that we gathered together to talk, and times to reflect back. Through that, what we felt was that there really are so many people behind us, and next to us. We wondered when so many people appeared by us. As we had these thoughts, even if we had struggles, we were always able to gain strength again and I think that we are happy. To all those people, I really wanted to deliver a message of gratitude. And, we really wanted to receive this award in this place once again. The pride that you have in us, is because you are our pride. So next year, we’ll show you even better sides of us, and return it all back to you with this award once again.

It wasn’t until later on that I came to realize that Jimin was once again trying to act as the strength for his other members as well as the ARMY. He confirmed that yes they had hardships, but that they’ll able to pull through it and are having happier days thanks to it.

Throughout the other member’s speeches, you can see how Jimin comforts each one of them that cries and continues to try and be there for them. It’s part of what makes Jimin so special to ARMY, if it wasn’t for his love and support for the others they might have struggled even more.

Kim Taehyung’s (V) speech came after Jimin, and although his speech was short and sweet, it had a similar theme.

Firstly, to our mothers and fathers watching this broadcast in this moment, thank you for raising us. This award…I really can’t believe that it is an award that we can receive. We’ll become artists who will work hard to live up to this award’s name. And ever award season, we are given such great awards. Even if I die and come back to life, ARMYs are truly irreplaceable gifts to us. Thank you.

Taehyung was also tearing up during his speech, and I think that’s why he didn’t go much deeper into his feelings. He expressed his gratitude to their families and to their fans, showing his humility that makes him so lovable. It’s not easy for Taehyung to talk about his emotions, and he was already upset, so it’s completely understandable that he didn’t discuss them too much.

Min Yoongi (Suga) went after Taehyung, and like Jimin, he seemed to want to try and bring comfort with his speech.

Thank you ARMY. We’re so happy to receive the Artist of the Year award. To the ARMY who are always watching us, you have us this award and with you in mind, we’ll work harder. And to our families who gave birth to us 7 brothers, I want to say thank you. 2018 was a year that I was so happy I wondered if I could be this happy. For 2019, we’ll make it even happier and more amazing year. Thank you

Yoongi is one of the members who has struggled a lot with his mental health thanks to the surmounting difficulties and pressures they faced throughout their years together. To see him talking about their happiness in 2018, it really speaks to how far they’ve come.

Despite everything, he wants their families and fans to know they are happy. He doesn’t just want fans to remember the pain they’ve been through, but all the happiness that they’ve felt because of the things they overcame. There’s always hope, and that’s the message that Yoongi is always trying to give to ARMY.

Kim Seokjin (Jin), the eldest member of BTS, went last but delivered the biggest blow of the night. It was the topics that he brought up that made the other members and ARMY the most emotional, perhaps in part because he also tends to be a jokester in their group.

ARMY. The beginning of this year really comes to mind. Early this year, we were quite tired mentally. So as we talked together, we even considered disbanding.

Behind Seokjin you could see the others breaking down and crying more, it’s not clear if they knew he’d reveal their truth in that moment or not. Since they were already being emotional it’s really hard to tell. But that moment that their truth came out, it seemed like something of a relief as well.

But we really got a hold of ourselves again, and to have been able to achieve such great results, I think it’s such a relief. To our members once again who got a grasp of their hearts, thank you so much, and to our members who are always loving us – no to the ARMYs who are always love us, thank you so much.

BTS is always walking the fine line of having to decide how much they want to share with their fans. Their willingness to be open about their personal struggles, and issues with mental health is part of what draws fans to them. There’s a special connection there that has been built with their trust in ARMYs that is hard to find elsewhere.

It’s always important to remember that BTS doesn’t owe fans anything. They may have never shared their discussions about disbanding with us, and that would have been fine.

Yet by opening up about it, BTS really shows their true selves. Remember, that this is a band as the height of their success. They’re breaking down barriers internationally and reaching goals that they never would have imagined years ago.

But they were ready to walk away from all of that in order to put their mental health first. With such great success comes even greater struggles. Their bodies, minds, and souls are constantly being put to the test as they try to stay on top of all the demands being thrown their way.

This shows just how much they go through that we don’t see and it also shows that they’re really not in this for the money. Above everything, they just want to be happy and do what they love which is creating music and entertaining.

Part of their speeches was to assure ARMYs that they really are happy where they are now. In some ways, it does seem they’ve been enjoying all of their successes in 2018. But in other ways, it’s easy to see that they’re not over their struggles either and nor will they ever be.

It’s also important to note that the shocking news that Jin delivered in his speech also allowed ARMY and BTS to show their love and support for one another again. ARMY’s reaction filled social media with #ThankYouBTS as they poured out everything the band had done for them with the hopes to give some of that back.

In turn, BTS jumped on their own social media to send the love right back to ARMY.

As we each struggle in our own and different ways, it’s always a comfort to see the special connection between BTS and their fanbase.

As someone that wants to see them continue to enjoy their passions and not have to come to a point where they’re ready to walk away again, I hope they’ll learn that what ARMY wants most of all is for them to take care of themselves first.

Music and their fans aside, we just want them to be truly happy. Hopefully 2019 will bring more joys and less pain for Kim Namjoon, Kim Seokjin, Min Yoongi, Jung Hoseok, Park Jimin, Kim Taehyung, and Jeon Jeongguk.

Editors note: Translations credit Cafe Army.