Can’t wait for the Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. season 5 premiere? Our rhyming recap recounts everything you need to remember from season 4!
‘Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.’ season 4: The rhyming recap
As has become an infernal tradition
I’m recapping S.H.I.E.L.D. in a rhyming rendition!
So buckle up kids, let’s get into these pods
(It’s quite a job, but never tell me the odds.)
We knew things had changed when we closed season 3
But couldn’t have guessed just how crazy they’d be!
Phantoms and robots, a soul-sucking book
Right up to THAT ENDING that left us all shook.
In Pod One, a Rider who’s first name was Ghost
Torched up LA, turning bad guys to toast
He ran into Daisy, depressed and alone
For Lincoln’s death, oh, how she tried to atone.
And though she was stuck in her Hot Topic phase
She still tried to hunt down the source of the blaze
She met Robbie Reyes, connected the dots
(But certainly not ‘cuz he gave her the hots!)
Meanwhile, changes were churning through S.H.I.E.L.D.
As a new hierarchy was slowly revealed
New agents, no levels (!) and in Coulson’s place
A so-called “Inhuman” director named Mace.
It wasn’t all bad! At least Ward was still dead
We’d NEVER AGAIN see that hot smirking head!
FitzSimmons were dating, which warmed every heart
(T-minus five seconds till they’re torn apart!)
But other new threats had begun to appear
Like a weird ghostly lady who killed folks with fear
Affected, poor May had her brain scanned by Aida
An LMD who — you know what? That’s for late-ah.
Robbie discovered that, much to his sorrow
The baddie was none but his nice Uncle Morrow
Obsessed with the Darkhold, he caught S.H.I.E.L.D.’s attentions
By pilfering matter from other dimensions
The hunt for the Darkhold, that volume most evil
Turned out to be worth all the work of retrieval
When nasty ol’ Eli turned on his machine
Fitz, Coulson, and Reyes were naught to be seen
Luckily Aida agreed to peruse
The Darkhold in search of some dude-saving clues
She whipped up an inter-dimensional gate
(Not — I should note — all she’d learn to create)
The guys were all saved, but in terms of the Ghost
The spirit had tried to obtain a new host
Back now with Robbie, he’d done some Mack-riding —
What kind of pain could the big guy be hiding?
Shortly thereafter, the audience learned
The awful occasion that left Robbie burned
The crash that had caused him such heartache and pain
Was carefully managed for Morrow’s own gain.
Flung from his vehicle, Robbie had died
While his poor brother Gabe cried for help from inside
A passing Samaritan came to their aid
And offered dead-Robbie a very strange trade
In exchange for his life, he was asked in return
To come down with a permanent case of skull-burn
And so from the afterlife, Robbie was torn
And that was how Ghost Rider Reyes was born
This brought the team into Act I’s conclusion
Resolved with dimensional trans-maguf-fusion
As Aida pulled open a portal to hell
We bid Eli, Robbie, and Rider farewell.
With Daisy’s identity fully revealed
Mace brought her publicly her back into S.H.I.E.L.D.
And ordered more robots be built for the base
What could go wrong? THAT’S A GREAT IDEA, MACE!
I’ll point your attention to Exhibit A:
Aida had already stolen our May!
But, both unaware of her LMD state
Coulson and “May” had a wine-drinking date.
With Ghost Rider now on the previous page
It was time for the robots to take center stage
Aida went after the book she had read
A problem soon solved when Mack chopped off her head
Unfortunately, all was not quite as it seemed
As Radcliffe of owning the Darkhold now dreamed
He built Aida Beta and furthered his plans
To access the book through poor Robo-May’s hands
Fitz soon discovered the scientist’s scam
But Radcliffe took off and was now on the lam
Coulson found Agnes, the doc’s special friend
But she chose the Framework, not S.H.I.E.L.D., in the end.
There was also some business with Ellen Nadeer
But it’s all a bit messy to tell you right here
Suffice it to say that the Watchdogs were bad
And now they’re all dead, and frankly, I’m glad.
We also met up with a guy called The Russian
A big fan of murder, and vodka discussion
He held a few grudges, some prejudice too
But know that he’s vastly “Superior” to you!
The Koenigs returned, and then in the melee
Radcliffe got hold of the Darkhold through “May”
Her robot identity now became clear
Which made Coulson feel like the fool of the year.
Romance was also at risk for a minute
For Mack and Elena, who finally did it!
Mack had a secret — he helped his ex cope
With the long-ago loss of their baby girl, Hope.
Anyway, here’s where the shit hits the fan
The Russian nabbed Mace in a dastardly plan
Attempting a rescue, the team was split up
And that was when Aida said, “Wreck this shit up!”
For here was a victory only in name
It turned out to just a part of her game
Mace and most others had not quite been freed
But stuck in the Framework and then LMD’d!
Simmons thought Daisy had also been taken
But she was just ever so slightly mistaken
The LMD scanner was not on the fritz
Her final robotisized teammate was Fitz!
And now we confirmed that the showrunner Jed
Is a very bad man with ideas in his head
Directing and writing, that Whendony troll
Brought us all to the brink of our frayed self-control.
With tensions by now at a serious high
Simmons and Daisy just tried not to die
Stabbing and screaming and hugging and stress
How would they ever get out of this mess?
That’s when the B-Squad turned out to be clutch
Piper and Davis, I love you so much!
They handled the Zephyr while, in the insanity
Robo-May finally found her humanity
Let’s raise a glass for that brave LMD
Who blew up the base so her friends could be free
She may have been plastic and wires and parts
But LMD May has a place in our hearts
Now up in the atmosphere, Simmons and Daisy
Hit on a plan that — let’s face it — was crazy
Into the Framework they also would go
Again reinventing the terms of this show!
Unfortunately, there was one little hitch
The world of the Framework was, frankly, a bitch
Remember: It’s FICTION! There is NO CONNECTION
To any result of our real-world election.
And one other rule that you shouldn’t forget
And then for Pod 3 we’ll be ready and set
If anyone dies in the Framework… well, boo!
They’re totally dead in reality too.
And so we awoke in a world brave and new
With Hydra triumphant and S.H.I.E.L.D. — uh, S.H.I.E.L.D. who?
The Madam ruled all, with a cold, evil fist
Leaving just Patriot Mace to resist.
Aida, of course, had a reason to linger
She liked wearing Fitz around her little finger
Now called the Doctor, our Leo had died
The new guy was kind of… well… Nazi-ified.
Coulson was teaching and Mack was a dad
While May worked at Hydra, still sad and still mad
Daisy found (who else?) but Ward in her bed!
And Simmons? Oh, LOL. Simmons was dead.
At least in this version, Ward wasn’t a dunce
The traitor abandoned the bad guys for once!
And Mack’s daughter Hope was so cute, it’s insane
And a very good way to cause viewers much pain.
Luckily, Simmons climbed out of her grave
She did, after all, have a boyfriend to save
She tried every trick to shake Coulson awake
But that was a job for the erstwhile Quake.
As always, this show follows good news with poor
As if we were able to take any more!
Mack also joined the Resistance’s fray
After — oops — selling out Daisy to May
Despite Radcliffe’s begging and Simmons’s cries
Fitz murdered Agnes in front of their eyes.
Radcliffe was taken and put in a cell
Near an ex-agent he knew rather well.
Soon a new mission demanded attention
To rescue some allies from Hydra’s detention
Trip was the target — oh man, how I missed you!
And oh! How I also wish Simmons had kissed you!
(This is a tangent! I’m sorry, but not
Together, those two were just all kinds of hot.)
Anyway, back to the story at hand
Coulson saw kids he’d let Hydra remand
Determined to wash out the stain of his sin
Coulson’s delay let the Cavalry in.
Fitz gave the order and May, vaguely troubled
Called for the place to be totally rubbled
Mace stood his ground, and he held it, and died
And the class full of digital children survived.
I haven’t said much about poor Jeffrey Mace
That un-powered shmuck with the puppy dog face
Undeniably, he had the heart of a hero
Though the lives that he saved really numbered at zero.
Moved by the sacrifice made by her foe
May was like, “Know what? It’s so time to go.”
Offering Daisy the dust of her power
Daisy quaked Aida right out of the tower!
This lit a fire beneath Fitz’s ass
To rapidly finish “Project Looking Glass”
He did up the scanner and faxed Aida through
Incoming message: Dear humans, you’re screwed.
Inside the Framework’s receding defenses
Simmons abandoned her grip on her senses
She darkened her shadow on Fitz’s dad’s door
And left with him bleeding and dead on the floor.
And so it came time to get out of this… heck
But before the return, a reality check
Aida had hidden the exit so well
The escape would require a dive into hell.
This was the first of a couple false starts
Thanks to those messy affairs of the heart
Hydra came calling as Phil stood in line
He fell shot and bleeding, but woke up just fine.
May followed next and the agents locked eyes
Was it relief? Or romance in disguise?
No time to wonder, for back in the dream
Fitz had his mind on a terrible scheme.
Not knowing Jemma, this meet number one
Took place at the business end of Fitz’s gun
Trembling and sad, she refused to agree
With his terrible cry — “You mean nothing to me.”
But luckily Radcliffe arrived, and instead
Of shooting the woman he loved in the head
Leo awakened with no such milk spilt
But quite a bit more than his share of the guilt.
Finally, Mack was compelled to decide
Should he enter the world where his daughter had died?
He couldn’t let go, and he just couldn’t cope
With the thought of continuing on without Hope.
As Simmons and Daisy sought help in the skies
Aida was printing her body of lies
Packed full of power and pretty death-proof
Aida’s first trick was to make Fitz go POOF!
Shocked by his actions while stuck in the sim
Fitz couldn’t tell if that Fitz was still him
Still in a nightmare, off-balance and reeling
Fitz offered Aida a crash-course in feeling
Putting on empathy like a new gown
Aida saved Mack just before he could drown
She thought she and Fitz were like, totes OTP —
Clearly, this girl hasn’t seen season three.
Fitz offered Aida the truth in his soul:
That life without Simmons would never be whole
Aida, however, had not quite expected
To be by the love of her (short) life rejected
Hell hath no fury like LMDs scored
I guess we can’t say that we weren’t, like, warned
With her abilities, Aida went crushin’
And joined up again with that idiot Russian.
Oh! I neglected to tell you the whole
The Superior’s head now resides in a bowl
In spite of his wishes — he’d rather be dead
The Russian is now several Russians instead.
Speaking of hell, with impeccable timing
Robbie returned! (And I’m SO SICK OF RHYMING.)
Working with S.H.I.E.L.D., he had less than an hour
To take down an Aida just lousy with power.
Her plan was to leverage the Darkhold’s advice
And reboot the world as a fool’s paradise
Reality into the Framework, consumed!
Downloading file: “We’re Totally Doomed”
Luckily, Daisy and Robbie were able
To pilfer the Darkhold from some conference table
While Talbot, poor fellow, was shot in the head
(I really don’t get how that guy isn’t dead!)
Meanwhile Elena, determined on trying
Dove into the Framework just as it was dying
She thought saving Mack would be simple, but no —
Stubborn as ever, he just wouldn’t go.
Sadly, there’s no way to argue with fate
Hope and her dad could do nothing but wait
The arc of that terrible loss was repeated
Clutched in Mack’s arms, little Hope was deleted.
Radcliffe as well, at long last dissipated
Into the void of the thing he created
Let’s raise another one — scotch, with no ice
To the doctor who nearly destroyed the world twice.
Mack and Elena then gave us a fright
How could they possibly now be all right?
But back in reality, even through tears
Mack chose to be grateful for those extra years.
So anyway, Aida invaded the base
And things got quite messy for one paper chase
She murdered poor Simmons! Oh, how could it be???
Psych, everyone! That’s our last LMD.
With Aida distracted, the Ghost Rider pounced
And finally, Aida was thoroughly trounced.
Burned by the Rider to cinders and crust
Her long evolution concluded in dust.
But there was still one more surprise to be seen
(Well… two or three, if you know what I mean)
The ghostly avenger with flames on his head
Was no longer Robbie, but Coulson instead!
Coulson released the infernal pretension
And Robbie returned to another dimension
But Vengeance had settled on Phil for a reason
Let’s hope that they actually tell us this season.
Left in the wake of the violence and flame
Fitz tried to step up and take all the blame
“Like hell!” said the team; they would all take the fall
All for one, they decided, and one, then, for all.
With little to do except wait for arrest
The team tried to get just a tad decompressed
They went to a diner and chowed down on pie
When in walked this super weird bald solider-guy
Clearly intent on the team’s apprehension
His true motivation escaped comprehension
He froze the whole crew in a blank, silent pose —
“Take them,” he said, for the “window” would close.
The next we saw Coulson was in a new place
A dark metal room with a nice view OF SPACE
No answers or clues, cuz this show is berserk!
All Coulson said was, “Phil, get back to work.”
And so we concluded our wild fourth year
Of romance and robots and near-constant fear
In retrospect, not all that much of a fuss
Compared to what S.H.I.E.L.D. must have waiting for us.
It all starts again on the first of December
A new date and time, so make sure you remember!
Our agents will grapple with cosmic creation!
In the two-part premiere, titled “Orientation.”
Check out our review and teaser for the Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. season 5 premiere, and watch the first 17 minutes of “Orientation” here. The two-part premiere begins on Friday, Dec. 1 at 8:00 p.m. on ABC.