8:45 am EDT, February 12, 2013

Valentine’s Day? Sod off!

Yesterday, I became the victim of a cold-blooded, vicious and insidious attack, perpetrated by none other than my Hypable colleagues. Allow me to fill you in.

From time to time, we change our logo on the top of the site to something that’s happening in the fandom universe. We’ve brought you great themes such as the Twilight, Warm Bodies and Hobbit premieres, the Super Bowl, and even national holidays such as Halloween and New Year to name but a few. Yesterday, however, unnamed people (namely Ben, Selina, Tariq, Michal, Kristina, Camden, Karen and Marama) took this too far by advocating a new logo … for Valentine’s Day.

There were all sorts of sickly, affectionate, heart-filled, cupid-ridden, vomit-inducing suggestions being put forward that you would aptly despise. However, fear not faithful readers. I put a blocker in it. With subtle tact and an uncharacteristic sense of fairness and tolerance, I politely advocated a continued full and frank discussion, followed by a cooling-off period allowing suitable time for reflection and culminating in a revisit at a later date. In the fullness of time. At the appropriate juncture. Actually, what I said was “take your happiness and fuck off.” The politeness was implied.

So, what did they do? They photoshopped my face onto the body of cupid. Not once, but twice. Then they suggested taking those pictures and imprinting them on tshirts, cards and other apparel. Once upon a time, I could command enough fear among the team that they wouldn’t dare besmirch my miserable face and situate it next to hearts and cupids. And pink?!? I HATE pink!

Revenge will be had, but first, some back-story.

I despise Valentine’s Day. Hate it, loathe it, grudge it, resent it, detest it, abominate it, forsake it, and wish it would disappear. One might be tempted to say that “words cannot describe my distaste towards it,” but I just provided eight ones that do the job nicely. Why the anger, you might ask?

It’s NOT the consumerism. Many people find contention over the fact that the holiday is an opportunity for retailers of every kind to monopolise and sell products at an increased price that’s thematically relevant to the notion of “love.” I’m fine with that. Retailers can do what they like, if people are stupid enough to buy it, then that’s their problem.

It’s NOT the obligation. Those in committed relationships who feel pressurised into buying their significant other with presents are weak-willed. If your girlfriend is one of those who say “let’s not exchange gifts this year,” while at the same time becoming furious when you took this statement literally, then find a better girlfriend. One that’s, you know, sane. And not a bitch.

Instead, it’s the revulsion that I have to experience. It’s the overflow of happiness that spews into my Facebook and Twitter feeds, the pictures in newspapers of so-called romance, the status updates stating how happy one is because one has found one’s true love. Well, guess what? You haven’t.

There are 7 billion people on this planet, roughly 3.5bn of them are the opposite sex. Regardless of your sexual preference, there are 3.5bn potential mates for you to choose from. Do you think you just happened to stumble upon the one person – ever – who is right for you? Have you taken into consideration that your “one true love” might have been born in the past and have since passed away? 35,000 years of humanity, and untold millennia of future humans. There’s statistically even less chance that your “soulmate” happened to be born in the same generation as you are. Instead, you found someone and went “eh, this’ll do I suppose.” And now you’re telling the world about it.

The world doesn’t care. Those people who “Like” your relationship status-change on Facebook are doing it out of obligation. Your friends already in a relationship are thinking “finally SOMEONE wanted her” and your friends who aren’t in a relationship are jealously thinking “that bitch…” The remaining people who follow you immediately hate you. We don’t need to be reminded about our pathetic lives.

The ultimate slap in the face is when people you went to school with (and thus the same age as you), update their status from “in a relationship” to “married.” They aren’t just taunting you with their happiness, they’re pressuring you into finding someone of your own that you can settle down with (settle being the keyword because after a while, the taunting becomes so bad that you propose to whichever walking-abortion messages you first on some dating website). Then you too can join the elitist ranks of matrimony.

I hate Valentine’s Day. Not only do I not care if you’re happy or in a relationship, but I would prefer not knowing. I’d especially prefer you not telling me about it. However, if you insist on doing so, then don’t scorn at me when I “Like” your status-update which will inevitably change from “married” to “single.”

As the old saying goes: “some cause happiness wherever they go. Others, whenever they go.”

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