10:00 am EST, April 22, 2016

‘I Drink And I Know Things’: 24 Tyrion Lannister quotes offering wise advice

It's not easy being a know-it-all.

By Katie Awad | Edited by Brandi Delhagen

He’s the Game of Thrones character with the most intellect and the wisest advice, most known for his iconic “I drink and I know things” line. Here are the best Tyrion Lannister quotes to get you through life.

There are many great lines on Game of Thrones, and many intelligent characters, but none compare to Tyrion Lannister. He has both great lines and intellect, with helpful advice for all kinds of occasions. Take a look at the best Tyrion Lannister quotes to help get you through a trying time.

“Let me give you some advice, bastard. Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.”

You don’t have to be a bastard for this one. You are what you are, never let anyone make you feel ashamed of it! Unless you’re the kind of bastard who’s a jerk, not the illegitimate child kind. You should definitely feel ashamed for being a jerk.

“Schemes and plots are the same thing.”
Putting that thesaurus to good use.

“Death is so final. Whereas life, ah, life is full of possibilities.”
The possibility of a Black Widow movie is what keeps me going.

“What sort of imbecile arms an assassin with his own blade?”


Helpful tip #1: When committing murder, do not use your own blade.

“I try to know as many people as I can. You never know which one you’ll need.”
It’s not using people, it’s just convenient friendships.

“It’s even better luck to suck a dwarf’s cock.”
But not without consent!

Shaggar: “How would you like to die, Tyrion, son of Tywin?”
Tyrion: “In my own bed, at the age of 80, with a belly full of wine and a girl’s mouth around my cock.”


“You can’t fuck your way out of everything.”


But if one has a mind to, one can try.

“Anyone named Desmond Crakehall must be a pervert.”
It’s an unsubstantiated fact, folks. Next time someone introduces themselves as Desmond Crakehall, vacate the area!

“Not this time. We’ll be staying at the finest castles and inns. No one turns away a Lannister.”
Helpful tip #2: Always use the name ‘Lannister’ and you’ll never be rejected from anything.

“I remember reading an old sailor’s proverb, ‘Piss on wildfire and your cock burns off.'”
Next time you go camping, pee careful.

“If you’re going to be a cripple, it’s better to be a rich cripple.”

tyrion lannister quotes

To be fair, a rich anything is always a better alternative.

“Everything’s better with some wine in the belly.”
Depends on your definition of better. Ever tried writing an essay with a belly full of wine? You may find the writing process is better, but you’ll also find the result is most certainly not better.

“It’s not easy being drunk all the time. Everyone would do it if it were easy.”
But if it’s better, isn’t it easier? Hmm…

“Listen to me. Sometimes possession is an abstract concept. When they captured me, they took my purse, but the gold is still mine.”
Does that mean Tyrion doesn’t believe in ‘finders keepers?’

“You love your children. It’s your one redeeming quality. That and your cheekbones.”


Remember kids, if you have good cheekbones, you can get away with anything.

“The Northerners will never forget.”
That’s right, Canadians have memories like dolphins. Not that Canadians can recognize various whistling sounds, just that they remember a lot.

“It’s hard to put a leash on a dog once you’ve put a crown on its head.”
But dogs look so cute with crowns!

“Turns out, far too much has been written about great men and not nearly enough about morons. Doesn’t seem right.”
That may not be entirely true. Just take a look at all the news coverage on a certain Republican Party primary candidate.

“And a mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone.”


Helpful tip #3: Always have a book with you. Picture books are acceptable.

“I think armies give you power.”
Guys, he might be on to something here.

Daenerys: “I will have a very large army and very large dragons.”
Tyrion: “Killing and politics aren’t always the same thing.”

So what is the truth?

“In my experience, eloquent men are right every bit as often as imbeciles.”
We all know someone who tries to look smart by using big words but uses them incorrectly.

“That’s what I do: I drink and I know things.”


What’s your favorite Tyrion Lannister quote?

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