11:30 am EDT, July 21, 2017

Sorry, Harry! Hypable shares its deepest, darkest Potter confessions

We’re all friends here, right? This is a safe space? Good. Ten years after the release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Hypable’s staffers reveal their deepest, darkest Potter confessions.

It’s been 10 years since Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows hit shelves everywhere. Those years have been fraught with movie adaptations, a dubious play/8th book, and countless moderately disappointing Pottermore announcements (and a distinct lack of an encyclopedia). All that time, and all those Potter-related developments have brought about a few secret shames that we’ve all kept close to the vest. We decided it’s high time we let the cat out of the bag.

These are in no particular order, and names have not been changed because no one here is innocent. Enjoy!

Why does everyone love ‘Goblet of Fire?’ – Danielle Zimmerman

Everyone loves The Goblet of Fire (the book and even the movie) and I just don’t get it. Honestly, it’s probably one of my least favorite books.

While the other installments in the series build on the mythology and history of what came previously (both in the actual books and in wizarding history itself), The Goblet of Fire seems like it takes a huge detour for the sake of entertainment. Yes, Voldemort gets looped into it at the end, but we’re not introduced to many elements that matter later on into the series. Barty Crouch, Jr.? Not a major player. Mad Eye Moody? He’s cool, but we’re not even interacting with HIM most of the book. Fun spells and ways around obstacles? Okay fine. Cedric’s death? Positively tragic. But none of these things are important enough to the actual story that the series is telling. They’re like tangential “fluff” pieces. Inconsequential, even. The only part of consequence is the end.

As a Harry Potter reader, I’m greatly invested in the larger world and consequences of what’s going on (hence why Order of the Phoenix is, hands down, my favorite book in the series) and Goblet of Fire, though it exposes us to Irish and Bulgarian and French witches and wizards, just doesn’t do that.

I don’t know about this Andrew Sims character – Karen Rought

Despite finding Hypable through MuggleNet, I’ve never actually listened to MuggleCast ahead of working for Andrew. I didn’t even know who Andrew Sims was until quite a bit later when I realized he had a couple more followers than me on Twitter.

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To be honest, I’m still not sure I get the whole Andrew Sims thing, but I’ve met him a couple times and he seems like an okay guy. I think he needs people like me who don’t know who he is so his ego doesn’t get too big, you know? I’ve thought about listening to MuggleCast once or twice, just to get a better sense of him as a person, but then I find myself just…not doing that.

Dobby is nothing but annoying – Michal Schick

From the instant the weird, shriveled, talking doll known as Dobby the House Elf turned up on Harry’s bed, I have just really Not Been Into This Whole Dobby Thing. I guess we’re supposed to find his obsequious obsessiveness endearing, his creepy mannerisms cute, but I just… don’t.

Sure, in theory I know that he’s brave and loyal and whatever. But from his cringe-worthy speech patterns to his perpetual, desperate desire to serve Harry in literally any way possible, Dobby never gets more interesting to me than an overly-animated plot device. At least Winky and Kreacher have some pathos to them; all Dobby offers is the childish sugar-high of a cartoon… and then the inevitable crash.

Dramione is my OTP – Sonya Field

I was a little late to the Harry Potter fandom than some others. My teachers read it to me in elementary school but it wasn’t until middle school that I really got into it. And once I was in the fandom I was hooked on reading the books, listening to podcasts about it, and scouring websites about the fandom. That includes fanfiction! And you know what fanfiction loves? Bringing together unlikely pairs!

So let’s talk shipping! Everyone does it, and some ships are more popular than others. I loved reading fan fiction about Draco and Hermione pairings! Yes, I know everyone thinks that Hermione belongs with Ron and some even like to pair her with Harry – but what’s better than a bad boy?! You could argue that they hated each other, but all that means is tons of passion. Hatred can easily be turned into desire with a little pinch of teenage hormones. If you’re never imagined these two together before, you’re welcome, now you can come join the ranks of Dramione lovers.

Hagrid is just not my homeboy – Selina Wilken

We all have fond memories of reading the first Harry Potter book. Some of us were immediately swept up in the magic, while others (myself included) had to get a few chapters in before realizing the magnitude of the story we were experiencing. Once I was hooked, I was hooked, devouring every word, every minute detail about the Wizarding World and Harry’s time at Hogwarts. But there was one part of the story which I was never able to muster up excitement for: Hagrid.

I vividly recall my disappointment reading the first book, when Harry got an owl — who was it from? What part of this magical world was opening up for me next? — and it was from frickin Hagrid, inviting Harry for tea! We’re at a magical school full of magic and people who do magic! Who wants to read about tea?! As a narrative device, I felt like Hagrid was always used to slow the story down, introducing one totally unnecessary side-plot after another, and that was the opposite of what I wanted. I never truly got what J.K. Rowling was trying to say with this character (and I’m not sure we should dig too deep there, to be honest) either, so he always just… took up space, as it were, in a story that I otherwise loved.

What character descriptions?! – Jimmy Bean

For reasons that I have yet to fully understand, I have always imagined key characters from the Harry Potter series very differently from the way they are described in the books. This goes far beyond your average “my Snape doesn’t have facial hair” or “I just imagine Dan Radcliffe as Harry now.” No, no, no.

The visage I’ve given these characters are completely of my own design, not aided by any sort of logic created by the books, the films, or anything in between. In fact, one could go as far as to say that my versions of the characters are “dead wrong,” but I don’t have the heart to fire the imaginary actors in my head, so Dumbledore will always be a bald Tibetan monk.

On top of that, Lupin will always be fat with an absurd mustache. Slughorn will always be former President George W. Bush. There are hundreds of named characters in the Harry Potter books, and I’m pretty sure that the only character that comes close to their actual description is Mrs. Weasley, who is played by my actual mother. She’s Native American, by the way.

‘Prisoner of Azkaban’ is my favorite Harry Potter movie *ducks to avoid tomatoes* – Brandi Delhagen

I’ve always been able to separate book-to-film or TV adaptations from their original source. And while I did cringe throughout most of the film adaptation of Stephenie Meyer’s The Host, I was surprisingly still able to enjoy the movie as its own.

However, the Harry Potter series was a bit different. I was more invested in the series and read each book countless times. I felt like I knew these characters personally. So when the movies started coming out it was a little harder at first to separate the two.

Once Goblet of Fire was released in theaters I think I was finally able to enjoy the movies without criticizing the differences from the books to their respective films. Although, a little more Lee Jordan in Goblet of Fire would have made a significant difference.

This leads me to Prisoner of Azkaban. It may possibly be the worst adapted Harry Potter film, but it’s the only one that I can watch on repeat. Of course, I’m always game for Freeform’s Harry Potter weekend, but Prisoner of Azkaban is the only one I still have saved on my DVR for repeat watching.

I get crap from other fans about this being my go-to HP movie but I don’t care. Alfonso Cuaron did an amazing job with this film. It’s a huge leap forward from the first two films — I find myself unable to even watch the first two anymore. The cinematography is stunning and I even enjoy the shrunken heads that have nothing to do with plot! I wish everyone would just chill out and enjoy the movie for what it is; entertainment.

I will ‘Always’ love Severus Snape – Brittany Lovely

Bold, and terrifying, confession time — Severus Snape is my favorite character in the Harry Potter series. It’s an unpopular opinion, and one that I’ve kept tucked away at conventions, Potter related meet ups, and even from most friends who enjoy the series.

He serves the series well as a villain. And that is exactly why I love him. Snape exists in the grey. Rowling sets him on a journey towards redemption and, I believe, by the time of his death, he falls short of redemption.

Let’s tally up some of his unforgivable actions – taking out all his pent up aggression on Harry, calling Lily a “filthy Mudblood,” hanging out with Voldemort. That’s quite a few missteps and all ones that are rightfully used as fuel for the wizard-burning fire. But at 21, when he held his only friend, lifeless in his arms, a noticeable shift occurred in his angsty persona.

The final chapter of Snape’s life, though clumsily navigated, serves as penance. And while Snape is tormented by Lily’s eyes and James’ smug expressions every time he looks at Harry, it does not excuse his behavior.

It’s not perfect. But neither is Snape. So keep walking around with your “Always” memorabilia and tattoos spewing Snape hate. He is one of my favorite complicated literary characters to rediscover every few years. *runs and hides*

I will always (not so) secretly ship Harry & Draco – Tariq Kyle

Growing up and reading Harry Potter as a gay kid definitely affected my shipping preferences, obviously. I wanted my two crushes to get together and as a kid it was never apparent why that was so unlikely. Of course Harry was gay, why couldn’t he have been?

Or so I thought. It took an embarrassingly long time to realize that this ship was never going to set sail, but I will always think they could have balanced each other out just like Scorpius and Albus. In fact, Albus and Scorpius’ relationship helped confirm my head canon of how perfect great a Harry/Draco ship could have been… Even if just in my head.

Don’t look too closely at my Harry Potter shelf – Kristen Kranz

Okay, so my secret shame is decidedly less flashy, and definitely doesn’t include any rare ships or character hatred. I, Kristen Kranz, do not own all the Harry Potter books. *braces for impact*

At one point, I think I did own them all. I have definitely read them all (more than a few times), but through packing up my dorm rooms and apartments over the years, I have lost a few copies. I do, however, still have my treasured copy of Goblet of Fire in which Harry’s parents come out of Voldemort’s wand in the wrong order. It’s too bad I read it so many times that they binding broke into 6 or 7 pieces. Oh, and I have my deluxe edition of Deathly Hallow that has a full illustration of a dragon on it’s dust jacket, rather than the golden cover we all know and love.

I guess I just know that if I really need to do a re-read, the Harry Potter books are waiting at my local library, or are just a click or two away on my kindle if the situation is dire. I would love to someday have a classy, matching set of the hardcovers to display proudly, but I’ll take my time getting there.

What are your deepest, darkest Harry Potter confessions?

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