What the ‘Scream Queens’ are thankful for this Thanksgiving

The truth probably won't surprise you.

2:00 pm EDT, November 28, 2015

Gather ’round the table ladies and gentlemen, it’s time the Scream Queens share what’s really in their hearts.

It’s the season of giving thanks, of taking a moment to appreciate the good that’s in your life, of spending time with those dearest to you, and eating until you can no longer button up your pants. It’s only natural that the characters in Scream Queens, who obviously all adore each other, would come together (except for Denise because nobody invited Denise), in the now surely haunted Kappa House, and share their feelings.

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Chanel Oberlin

scream queens chanel oberlin

First and foremost, I’m thankful to my boyfriend Chad for coming back to me. I knew he loved me more than his family.

Second, I’m thankful for my parents’ vast fortune, the couture dresses I can buy with it and wear on my hot bod, my presidency at Kappa Kappa Tau, and my moronic minions that loyally follow me and do as I say. I’m thankful that even though I’m co-president with Zayday, I’m still the head bitch in charge since she’s not around as much.

Oh, and I guess I’m thankful Chanel #6 isn’t actually dead and I don’t have another murder charge to avoid.

Chad Radwell

scream queens chad radwell

Yeah, okay, here’s the thing Chanel, I came back for the turkey. I’m super thankful you guys have turkey. Man, I love turkey…

Hester Ulrich

scream queens hester ulrich chad radwell

Thanks to Chanel, I’m the most popular I’ve ever been, and I get to share her clothes and hot ex-boyfriend. So thanks, Chanel, I love you! I should also thank you for pushing me down the stairs and trying to kill me, and laying me down in the meat locker. No, no guys, it’s okay! I think she cured my severe scoliosis.

Chanel #3

scream queens chanel 3

I guess I’m thankful the Red Devil hasn’t tried to kill me yet. I don’t know how I’d be able to run away in heels, so that’s good.

Also, thanks to all of you for coming here tonight so I didn’t have to not eat alone. That’s it, I’m done.

Chanel #5

scream queens chanel 5

I’m thankful Chanel hasn’t kicked me out of Kappa House yet and–

Dean Cathy Munsch

scream queens wes gardner cathy munsch

Okay, okay, it’s my turn!

As horrific as the sight of Gigi’s head is (especially when unattached from her body), I’m thankful she’s dead so now Wes is vulnerable and single. And I’m thankful you girls are stupid enough to want to spend your holiday here, because without students I’d be out of a job.

Wes Gardner

scream queens wes gardner

I’m thankful my life is finally like one of the horror movies I love, even though my daughter could be the reason for it. Maybe then I’m not so thankful I raised her on those films. It’s possible that affected her psyche somehow… But I am thankful I raised her well enough that she loves me and hasn’t killed me (at least not yet).

Zayday Williams

scream queens zayday williams grace gardner

Zayday Williams is so thankful for Oakland nachos. There is nothing on this earth better than Oakland nachos. I’m also thankful for having Grace in this crazy house to help keep me sane. But girl, if it turns out you’re the killer, I’m going to have some strong words for you.

Grace Gardner

scream queens grace gardner

I’m thankful to have finally found out the truth about my dead mother, no thanks to my dad. I’m also thankful that Zayday is here because without her I probably would have killed Chanel by now. Oh my gosh, guys, I don’t actually mean that. Ugh, never mind.

Pete Martinez

scream queens pete martinez

I’m thankful I finally have a girlfriend who won’t break up with me because of my Matthew McConaughey impression, and that she doesn’t think I’m the killer even though I have a Red Devil costume.

Gigi Caldwell

scream queens gigi caldwell

(Posthumously) I’m thankful my ‘children’ are so dedicated to my cause, and that I got to have a Thanksgiving with one of them (and an electric carving knife, how awesome is that?), if only for an hour, before I was killed. I also, at least, got to have one final dinner with Wes, even though it was only my head that attended.

Please be sure to bury me in my favorite turquoise leather jacket.

Denise Hemphill

scream queens denise hemphill

I take it as a personal offence that ya’ll did not invite your Kappa-House-Momma to Thanksgiving dinner with ya’ll. After everything I have done for you ladies, and you don’t think to give Denise a call? I have to find out from Zayday’s tweets? Ya’ll know Denise loves turkey!

Anyway, I’m thankful to have been hired by that woman who is need of a serious wardrobe renovation, but I do wish those girls I have sworn to protect were as sharp in their minds as that crazy Devil’s knife that stabbed Shondell in the throat. I am thankful that one Chanel girl is the same size as me, because those sexy clothes deserve to be paraded on someone that can do them justice, if you know what I’m saying.

Oh my god, is that a head!?

What about ‘Scream Queens’ are YOU thankful for?

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